I have recently been exposed to a yoga teacher and meditation instructor named Rod Stryker. I am reading a book by him called "The Four Desires" and I think many of the ideas in his book are relevant to a person experiencing anxiety, depression, depersonalization, and derealization. In no way do I take credit for the ideas in his book, nor do I want to infringe on anyone's copyrighted ideas. I just want to share some reflections on the ideas I was exposed to in Mr. Stryker's book. I also want to preface this post by saying that I began reading this book after my symptoms have improved, but I do think the ideas in his book are accesible to people at any stage in their recoevry because it offers a plan for people to accomplish any of their goals. He does not spend too much time musing on existential questions, but rather focuses on how people can live a more fulfilled and happy life in which they live out his or her personal purpose. In the most recent chapter I read in "The Four Desires" Mr. Stryker talks about different levels or types of desire. He lists four levels starting with something as simple as "it's hot, I need a cold drink," to being infatuated with another person, to being completely committed to an idea or cause to finally embodying the desire that you have.
Mr. Stryker seems to draw a link between the level of one's desire to the ability to accomplish a goal. I think this insight is brilliant. I think that many of us get jaded in assessing our own and other's ability to accomplish their goals. We often think in terms of luck, politics, natural ability, and other external circumstances that we believe control our destiny. Hard work has progressively gone out of style. Many scholarly circles dismiss the notion of "The American Dream" and the relevance of hard work to one's life outcome. How terribly depressing this must be to people who believe this to be true!
I take another view however. If you want something strongly enough, you can accomplish it. This is not to say that external circumstances are negligible, but rather that we have much more control than we think we do. We can not control an earthquake, or being laid off, or a loved one passing away. But we can control how we respond to any of these things. Think of Hurrican Katrina or any of the recent natural disasters in the United States. Thanks to television we witnessed stories of people looting New Orleans stores for goods, but we also witnessed extraordinary acts of compassion and selflessness. Both groups of people experienced the natural disaster and both controlled their responses. Mr. Stryker suggests that our ability to accomplish our goals exists in our ability to overcome resistance to the accomplishment of the goals. He shares that our attitude or level of desire from the outset dictates our ability to overcome the resistance.
I know how awful the symptoms feel. I know how the sense of hopelessness permeates much of your existence. I know how confusing and uncomfortable the thoughts and experiences of DP/DR can be and are. I also know that I have devoted the better part of my last five months to ridding myself of these symptoms. My partner, my therapist, my family and my friends have all witnessed a marked improvement not just in my outlook, but in other aspects of my life as well. I have been very clear and committed to my goals and have done almost everything in my power to be happy and live in peace. By remaining committed to healing I have also allowed myself to weather the setbacks and work towards my goals every day. Resistance will come. However, if we have a plan and more importantly a strong desire to live in peace than we can accomplishment. I would recommend reflecting on how committed you are to overcoming your symptoms. What proof do you have of this commitment? What is your plan of attack? Do you need to recommit yourself? How strong is your desire? How have you faced resistance? I remain committed to my belief that these symptoms are manageable and that we can overcome our discomfort and unease. Commitment and desire to achieve are major factors in accomplishing these goals.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Summary of My Recovery Steps
I continue to witness steps towards being fully healed from my DP/DR experience. It is an odd experience through which to go, however it has unearthed many underlying emotions and feelings that I had not previously worked through. Below is a list of tips that I have recently shared with a friend who is experiencing DP/DR. I am sharing them because they have helped me get to a point where I have hope for a brighter future and expectations for happiness. The list of what helped me is as follows:
1. Start seeing a therapist as soon as possible. Having someone to talk through my problems and feelings has really helped. Therapists also help hold you accountable for sticking to your program/plan for recovery
2. I would recommend reaching out to a psychiatrist. Ask about Zoloft. I can't say it will help your DP/DR, but it definitely helped my anxiety lessen significantly and once the anxiety left I could start working on DP/DR. If Zoloft is not what the doctor gives you ask what your options may be.
3. Get a planner and plan out every part of your day. Don't give yourself any time to think about how bad your symptoms are. If you want tips on things to include just ask and I will give you mine. It's important to write it out because it will hold you accountable and will also allow you to see all that you do every day.
4. Force yourself to get out of the house and socialize. Being around other people is very humanizing and will help integrate you into the world that doesn't have these symptoms.
5. Write in a journal every day.
6. Find something non-symptoms related and immerse yourself in it (I have done this with yoga and meditation)
7. Meditate. I can't stress to you enough how much this helps with anxiety, depression, and clarity. Find a class or a teacher because this will help hold you accountable and help you get the most out of it. Meditation has literally changed my life.
8. Find some physical activity to do every day. Walking, running, tennis, yoga, etc.
9. Say or listen to your affirmations every day (I do mine twice per day)
10. Start your day with a prayer and end your day with a prayer. Pray to whatever your higher power may be.
11. Make a list of all of the things you are grateful for. If you can't think of anything tell me and I will help.
12. Find pictures of yourself with loved ones having a good time.
13. YOU CANNOT DO ANY MORE RESEARCH ABOUT YOUR SYMPTOMS. Research only makes it worse. I PROMISE YOU. Any info you get from now on should come from a face to face meeting with a professional.
14. Find an advocate to check in with every day. This can be a family member, friend, fellow person with DP/DR
15. Find someone else to help. Reach out to someone on a self help website and give that person tips or comfort. Make this connection and you will feel better.
16. Establish a routine for each day.
Like I said these helped me and I think can help anyone improve his or her life just in general. These tips are things I should have been doing even before I had DP/DR. These are normal healthy things to do in order to live a happy and fulfilled life (at least in my opinion).
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Journal Entries May 18-21
Saturday May 18, 2013Feeling more integrated today than in a while. The best part is that I'm also able to appreciate the moment while being integrated. Today has been my best day since I started feeling bad. I've been able to appreciate life and remain free of worry. I've been able to have sustained deep thought and conversation. I'm more convinced than ever that the net result of these odd feelings is good or positive. Some of my symptoms remain. I still have a dual sense of self. I'm still not sure what drives my experience or what I am. But I'm proud of where I am and I'm grateful for the chance to discover a life of meaning. It is much easier to give thanks when feeling better but I can only control the here and now. Slowly I am working toward a positive outcome and I am witnessing further success. The human mind is powerful and that power works in both directions. The thing is that in all this thought about what I am and in what existence is comes the fact that I have always been me. These thoughts about what I am come from me. I may not be able to identify my essence but I can identify plenty of other things. I can converse with others. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel good and loved. I may not know what I is but I can write this journal entry. I can deliberately stop and count to five and start writing again. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy cake and watching sports. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy how cute kids and animals are. The power of appreciation is profound. Love does not conquer. Love does not endure. Love infuses itself into every aspect of existence and being. There is no pain or hate, only the inability or unwillingness to recognize the love that is all around us. The most comfort I've felt in months of feeling detached from reality and myself came from thinking of love in this way. I have such little control of what comes into my life, but is that really true? I can devote myself to others. I can recognize not only the love I'm giving but what I'm receiving. I can allow myself to love and find opportunities to be loved. Recognize it. Immerse yourself in it. There are good stories abound we just have to live them and recognize them.
Sunday May 19, 2013I'm really excited about how good I felt today. It's really amazing the variety of experiences the human mind and humans can go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could experience what I did during the last few months. I am so grateful for what I've learned and the position I'm now in to grow even further.
Monday May 20, 2013Today has gone pretty well thus far. I'm feeling much more natural and integrated. I'm comfortable with thinking about my existence, at least more so than in the past. I've learned to allow myself to experience life as a human. Whatever human means. I'm allowing myself to appreciate all of my senses. Today looks to be a positive one. What a journey its been. What a journey it continues to be. Lets try to enjoy it!
I continue to enjoy the day. I'm more reflective and conscious of my thoughts and actions but this is a good thing. I have some fear and discomfort surrounding my existence and realizing who and what I am but it isn't as bothersome. I find myself more at ease and able to enjoy the day.
I have felt pretty good today. I've had many periods of comfort and normalcy. I would like to get to a point where I feel like my mind and body are as one. Or at least to the point where I think of myself as one and to be able to just live and think and react without detrimental thoughts. I commit myself to the experience though. There is something to be learned and gained. I look forward to growing from this and being able to take this experience and help other people.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
Today has been pretty good. Those thoughts about what I am and my autonomy are creeping in on me. I think I'm handling them ok though. This inward look at my emotions and thoughts does force me to have to have both comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful to be productive and the ability to help others. I'm happy to have gotten up and gone to a meeting today. The sunshine is nice and helps my mood. I'm proud of how far I've come and my commitment to move on and go further.
Today continues to go pretty well. There is some mild discomfort around what I am but I'm mostly getting by just fine. It's so nice to be better off than I was. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy life again.
I'm not doing that bad today. I've mostly felt comfortable. At times throughout the day I've felt detached from myself and my environment but it isn't as bothersome. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I need to also remember how many years I lived without these thoughts and perspective. History is on my side. My steady improvement is on my side. I felt just awful a couple months ago and now I get through my days without seeing it as such. I get up early. I go to meetings. I go out in public. I don't get anxious at work. I'm feeling more comfortable when alone. My environment doesn't seem as strange, foreign, or separate. I'm eating healthily and maintaining a routine and schedule. I'm reading and internalizing more information. I'm enjoying be out doors more. I'm not as uncomfortable when walking the dog. I'm finding small joys in my day. I've found better ways or more productive ways to handle discomfort. I'm introspective. I'm still capable and willing to go off for hours on end about things I'm passionate about. I'm now a better partner. I know myself better, or at least think about myself more. I know how little I know about myself now. I'm forming a true and clear identity about which I can be entirely proud. I accept myself. I am getting better at judging myself less harshly. I'm eating more mindfully. I'm trying to do many more things mindfully. I'm thinking about the concept of mindfulness. I get excited and eager about new knowledge. I'm trying to appreciate more of my senses. I'm living life with more equanimity. I'm becoming closer to God. I am more calm. I am thinking about being more kind. I care about easing other's pain. I want to learn as much as possible about spreading love. I want to validate my partner. I'm learning things that make my partner happy and I'm trying to do them. I'm learning things that make my partner unhappy and stopping myself before I do them. I'm excited to start a graduate program at a place I want to be. I'm excited to have some roots. I'm excited that I get to marry someone who loves me. I'm excited and unspeakably grateful to be given such a clean bill of health. I care more about being a better friend and family member. I want to commit as strongly to my family and friends as strongly as I have to improving my relationship with my partner. I'm excited that thinking about existential questions isn't as uncomfortable. Every day, every moment is a blessing. I'm finally starting to get a glimpse as to what this means.
Sunday May 19, 2013I'm really excited about how good I felt today. It's really amazing the variety of experiences the human mind and humans can go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could experience what I did during the last few months. I am so grateful for what I've learned and the position I'm now in to grow even further.
Monday May 20, 2013Today has gone pretty well thus far. I'm feeling much more natural and integrated. I'm comfortable with thinking about my existence, at least more so than in the past. I've learned to allow myself to experience life as a human. Whatever human means. I'm allowing myself to appreciate all of my senses. Today looks to be a positive one. What a journey its been. What a journey it continues to be. Lets try to enjoy it!
I continue to enjoy the day. I'm more reflective and conscious of my thoughts and actions but this is a good thing. I have some fear and discomfort surrounding my existence and realizing who and what I am but it isn't as bothersome. I find myself more at ease and able to enjoy the day.
I have felt pretty good today. I've had many periods of comfort and normalcy. I would like to get to a point where I feel like my mind and body are as one. Or at least to the point where I think of myself as one and to be able to just live and think and react without detrimental thoughts. I commit myself to the experience though. There is something to be learned and gained. I look forward to growing from this and being able to take this experience and help other people.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
Today has been pretty good. Those thoughts about what I am and my autonomy are creeping in on me. I think I'm handling them ok though. This inward look at my emotions and thoughts does force me to have to have both comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful to be productive and the ability to help others. I'm happy to have gotten up and gone to a meeting today. The sunshine is nice and helps my mood. I'm proud of how far I've come and my commitment to move on and go further.
Today continues to go pretty well. There is some mild discomfort around what I am but I'm mostly getting by just fine. It's so nice to be better off than I was. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy life again.
I'm not doing that bad today. I've mostly felt comfortable. At times throughout the day I've felt detached from myself and my environment but it isn't as bothersome. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I need to also remember how many years I lived without these thoughts and perspective. History is on my side. My steady improvement is on my side. I felt just awful a couple months ago and now I get through my days without seeing it as such. I get up early. I go to meetings. I go out in public. I don't get anxious at work. I'm feeling more comfortable when alone. My environment doesn't seem as strange, foreign, or separate. I'm eating healthily and maintaining a routine and schedule. I'm reading and internalizing more information. I'm enjoying be out doors more. I'm not as uncomfortable when walking the dog. I'm finding small joys in my day. I've found better ways or more productive ways to handle discomfort. I'm introspective. I'm still capable and willing to go off for hours on end about things I'm passionate about. I'm now a better partner. I know myself better, or at least think about myself more. I know how little I know about myself now. I'm forming a true and clear identity about which I can be entirely proud. I accept myself. I am getting better at judging myself less harshly. I'm eating more mindfully. I'm trying to do many more things mindfully. I'm thinking about the concept of mindfulness. I get excited and eager about new knowledge. I'm trying to appreciate more of my senses. I'm living life with more equanimity. I'm becoming closer to God. I am more calm. I am thinking about being more kind. I care about easing other's pain. I want to learn as much as possible about spreading love. I want to validate my partner. I'm learning things that make my partner happy and I'm trying to do them. I'm learning things that make my partner unhappy and stopping myself before I do them. I'm excited to start a graduate program at a place I want to be. I'm excited to have some roots. I'm excited that I get to marry someone who loves me. I'm excited and unspeakably grateful to be given such a clean bill of health. I care more about being a better friend and family member. I want to commit as strongly to my family and friends as strongly as I have to improving my relationship with my partner. I'm excited that thinking about existential questions isn't as uncomfortable. Every day, every moment is a blessing. I'm finally starting to get a glimpse as to what this means.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Get Comfortable With Not Knowing
One of the major problems I have encountered since experiencing the symptoms related to DP/DR has been a feeling of detachment to myself and my environment. When I say detachment I usually mean that I have difficulty conceptualizing what exactly it is that I am. I wonder if I am just the matter of which I'm made. When I feel detached from myself I feel disconnected from my memories and the person that I was several months ago. As far the feeling of detachment from my environment I think it can be best characterized by obsessive thoughts about the nature of the matter that is around me. I get very caught up in the visual experience and wonder what makes something something. At times objects and people seem like props in a play. At times I wonder what makes others human. I start to wonder what we should actually concern ourselves as. In addition, I see my existence as nothing more than shuffling from the kitchen to eat, then to the bathroom, and then to work and back.
However, thanks to the work I have done these feelings are significantly less pronounced and I am bothered less by the feelings that I do have. I am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate life more and more each day. I don't obsess over the existential thoughts that filled my life since January 2013.
From this position of relative clarity and feelings of hope, I have come to notice something about myself and the symptoms of DP/DR. Absolutely nothing has changed. All of the laws of the universe remain the same. I can rely on the building I work at to be there tomorrow. My partner will have the same voice, the same smile, and the same gait tomorrow than she did when we met several years ago. As I have said in past posts, the only thing that has changed has been the way I view, think of, and experience reality. Thinking of reality in the way that I did since January has been incredibly painful at times and mostly uncomfortable. I have struggled with ways to manage my symptoms and have lost hope at times. Yet, here I am today. Not only am I here to write this post, but I am writing it from a much better place than I was even a week ago. I am fully convinced that DP/DR is a necessary part of my life journey whether or not I recognize it as such or like it. The important thing to remember is that our discomfort is proof that we exist. Our discomfort proves that we are who we always were. We could not think and feel without being who we were before the onset of the symptoms. We can read and write and think because everything in our past was real and happened to us. Perhaps even more important than this is to accept the fact that we can not know the answer to these existential questions. I often said to my therapist during the past months that in the past I would have said who gives a sh*% about what the nature of my existence is? In the past I would have said to let some scholar think about who am I and what am I. My journey is leading me back toward that mindset however I will have the bonus of having contemplated these questions. The point is that all of this obsession on questions I could not possibly answer took away from my quality of life. Yes, the observable world is fascinating. Yes, the whole thought of existence can be perplexing and at times scary, but we don't have to let it ruin our lives. Think of it this way: if you don't like horror movies you probably won't go see the next Saw movie. Why because you know you won't enjoy it and it will only be unsettling. We can do the same thing with our thoughts. Obsessing over the new way you or I see the world with DP/DR is not enjoyable and definitely does not serve us. And the best thing about our thoughts is that we control them. This is scientifically true. We control our thoughts and as a result our experiences. The problem for most people with or without DP/DR manifests itself in the fact that we spend our whole lives being pessimistic and feeding negative thoughts. We literally make ourselves miserable. I doubt that practiced optimists experience symptoms of DP/DR and if they do the symptoms likely don't bother these people as much.
We cannot understand every little detail of our existence. But we can enjoy it and we can certainly learn from the often unbearable pain and discomfort of DP/DR. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. We have to get comfortable with our fear and vulnerability. Fear feeds this condition and in essence these symptoms are fear. DP/DR is the manifestation of fight or flight mechanisms all of the time. We exacerbate the symptoms by the thought processes that feed fear. The symptoms may stay the same for a while, but we have total control of how we deal with them. We are in the driver's seat. We are in control. And we can heal and live a life of happiness and appreciation of all of these things that we don't understand. I don't know how to make lasagna the way my aunt does, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it. Even if I searched the internet for years I would never be able to find the recipe that was lost in a fire. This is exactly what the case is with DP/DR. Maybe we can't understand how we got to be who we are. Maybe we have no clue what we are. Maybe the world and our environment seems strange and foreign. But just like my aunt's lasagna, all of our not knowing about life does not have to stop us from enjoying it. Get comfortable with not knowing. Try moving towards acceptance and away from resistance because this commitment has certainly helped me.
However, thanks to the work I have done these feelings are significantly less pronounced and I am bothered less by the feelings that I do have. I am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate life more and more each day. I don't obsess over the existential thoughts that filled my life since January 2013.
From this position of relative clarity and feelings of hope, I have come to notice something about myself and the symptoms of DP/DR. Absolutely nothing has changed. All of the laws of the universe remain the same. I can rely on the building I work at to be there tomorrow. My partner will have the same voice, the same smile, and the same gait tomorrow than she did when we met several years ago. As I have said in past posts, the only thing that has changed has been the way I view, think of, and experience reality. Thinking of reality in the way that I did since January has been incredibly painful at times and mostly uncomfortable. I have struggled with ways to manage my symptoms and have lost hope at times. Yet, here I am today. Not only am I here to write this post, but I am writing it from a much better place than I was even a week ago. I am fully convinced that DP/DR is a necessary part of my life journey whether or not I recognize it as such or like it. The important thing to remember is that our discomfort is proof that we exist. Our discomfort proves that we are who we always were. We could not think and feel without being who we were before the onset of the symptoms. We can read and write and think because everything in our past was real and happened to us. Perhaps even more important than this is to accept the fact that we can not know the answer to these existential questions. I often said to my therapist during the past months that in the past I would have said who gives a sh*% about what the nature of my existence is? In the past I would have said to let some scholar think about who am I and what am I. My journey is leading me back toward that mindset however I will have the bonus of having contemplated these questions. The point is that all of this obsession on questions I could not possibly answer took away from my quality of life. Yes, the observable world is fascinating. Yes, the whole thought of existence can be perplexing and at times scary, but we don't have to let it ruin our lives. Think of it this way: if you don't like horror movies you probably won't go see the next Saw movie. Why because you know you won't enjoy it and it will only be unsettling. We can do the same thing with our thoughts. Obsessing over the new way you or I see the world with DP/DR is not enjoyable and definitely does not serve us. And the best thing about our thoughts is that we control them. This is scientifically true. We control our thoughts and as a result our experiences. The problem for most people with or without DP/DR manifests itself in the fact that we spend our whole lives being pessimistic and feeding negative thoughts. We literally make ourselves miserable. I doubt that practiced optimists experience symptoms of DP/DR and if they do the symptoms likely don't bother these people as much.
We cannot understand every little detail of our existence. But we can enjoy it and we can certainly learn from the often unbearable pain and discomfort of DP/DR. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. We have to get comfortable with our fear and vulnerability. Fear feeds this condition and in essence these symptoms are fear. DP/DR is the manifestation of fight or flight mechanisms all of the time. We exacerbate the symptoms by the thought processes that feed fear. The symptoms may stay the same for a while, but we have total control of how we deal with them. We are in the driver's seat. We are in control. And we can heal and live a life of happiness and appreciation of all of these things that we don't understand. I don't know how to make lasagna the way my aunt does, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it. Even if I searched the internet for years I would never be able to find the recipe that was lost in a fire. This is exactly what the case is with DP/DR. Maybe we can't understand how we got to be who we are. Maybe we have no clue what we are. Maybe the world and our environment seems strange and foreign. But just like my aunt's lasagna, all of our not knowing about life does not have to stop us from enjoying it. Get comfortable with not knowing. Try moving towards acceptance and away from resistance because this commitment has certainly helped me.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Journal Entries May 13-17
Monday May 13, 2013
10:34 am
There have been many good things about today this far. I am have to have added another element to my recovery process by going to a meeting. I found that hearing about other people's suffering, particularly after they stopped drinking makes me feel less alone. It's good to know that my symptoms are likely a result of not drinking anymore and having to accept life on life's terms. Going to the meeting also helped me connect with others on a human level because people there are very open and honest about what got them to this point. Hearing the woman talk about spending so much energy trying to please her husband made me feel connected to my partner. It must be a difficult burden trying to please others and focusing so much on the other person that you forget about yourself. This gave me a greater appreciation for my partner and what she has done for me. I also felt for the guy who drank to fit in when he didn't belong anywhere. Part of my journey has been trying to accept myself on my terms and not on someone else's. One of my biggest fears of not drinking was feeling like I wouldn't belong anymore. But belonging isn't the point, living healthily is. And while stopping drinking may have onset a difficult experience for me, I can objectively say the net result has been good. The discomfort sucks but its necessary. Most things in life we earn or bring on ourselves. Even if we were naive or didn't know what we were doing, our crisis begins within. No one made me cope the way I chose to cope, or not cope for that matter. No one is free from suffering. So while I have had to live with my own suffering ultimately no one can escape it at some point in there lives. This is important because the type of suffering is only a name: depersonalization, a broken leg, cancer, losing a loved one, disappointment, failed dreams. The list goes on, but we all experience it at one time or another. What we can control is how we respond. So while this experience has been tough I have controlled my response and have been better off for it. There is something to learn here even if I don't recognize it.
4:35 pm
Today has mostly gone well. I haven't really felt that fearful or anxious. My thoughts are a bit odd at times though but my rational mind tells me that these are maladaptive responses and not a truth or reality. Just like any disease, problem, or disorder that doesn't lead to death I will fully heal and not worry about these things anymore. I suppose my impatience comes more from the not knowing than some timeframe I have in my mind to be fully healed. I mean what is the timeframe? Does it matter? Isn't it more important to focus on all of the positive changes I have made and continue to make? Shouldn't I get excited about the new life I'm leading? About the new knowledge I'm acquiring? About the health I'm enjoying? About the connections I'm forming with my partner? About my desire to help and make the world a better place? About my future? About the opportunity to do something that I want to do with my life? Shouldn't all of that be the focus of my attention? I can think about those things in lieu of the negative unhelpful thoughts that don't serve me. I cannot argue with the fact that I'm here. And even if I don't know what I means or what I am there is something that is going on. I have lived a while thinking about other things for a whole day. One can logically conclude that if you can think negative things all day than you can think less and less every day. I have evidence of this being true.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
7:17 pm
Today has gone pretty well. I'm definitely functioning really well and not getting too caught up in negativity. One thing I would like to improve is being comfortable being human. When I think about the miracle of it all I get overwhelmed just thinking about existence. We take for granted that thoughts happen and that we formulate ideas and have desires and needs. It's the most natural thing in the world that we don't think anything of it. While I know I'm not the first to think of these things is it possible that I am having unique thoughts? Also, how unique it is that we experience so much through our eyes. Why does it make me uncomfortable to think about existence and consciousness? I am incredibly grateful for my improvement today and I really liked the meeting and what I learned from other people. From time to time I've had this sensation of being conscious for the first time and detachment from myself or what I used to believe my self to be. When I say detached I feel like I'm just something and that is all. I'm not in control like I used to think I was. I'm not even sure what I means. If I'm just matter than maybe I'm just matter. How can I go back to feeling completely human again? How can I start to feel and experience again without wondering about my existence. I'm starting to recognize the negative thoughts better and find myself dismissing them instead of hiding from them. I can see them coming better and have found ways to deal with them more productively. I have felt excited at many points today about my future. Perhaps the scariest thing I experience is that I have always been who I am (whatever that means) but I'm not sure I have ever been aware of myself. I don't think I've allowed myself to feel and get to know myself that much in the past. Is that what this is about? Me finally getting to know myself a bit better? What prevented me from looking within? What prevented me from not having a relationship with myself? Perhaps I don't feel connected to myself because I've never known exactly and entirely what I am. Perhaps I have never been able to answer the question of what am I. How can I continue to learn who and what I am?
Wednesday May 15, 2013
1:46 pm
Symptoms wise today has gone pretty well. I haven't focused much of my energy on my symptoms or thinking about existence. I've had periods of time where I've felt totally comfortable. I think it's helps to accept these symptoms as a process of getting to know myself.
Thursday May 16, 2013
1:53 pm
Today has been a pretty good day. I'm starting to blend the new qualities of my efforts in with my old feelings of relative comfort. I've had many periods of the day in which I've gotten lost in the moment ie feeling organic. Definite step in the right direction today.
Friday May 17, 2013
1:57 pm
Today has been a really good day. Part of my problems have been learning how to live in the moment, how to be present without fear of being present. I'm finding myself more able to do this now. I'm so grateful to feel relief. Relative to my discomfort in past months, relief is a blessing. A true blessing.
7:58 pm
Mostly positive reviews for today. Feeling comfortable being me. Starting to realize that I am me. My feelings have changed. Not the world.
10:34 am
There have been many good things about today this far. I am have to have added another element to my recovery process by going to a meeting. I found that hearing about other people's suffering, particularly after they stopped drinking makes me feel less alone. It's good to know that my symptoms are likely a result of not drinking anymore and having to accept life on life's terms. Going to the meeting also helped me connect with others on a human level because people there are very open and honest about what got them to this point. Hearing the woman talk about spending so much energy trying to please her husband made me feel connected to my partner. It must be a difficult burden trying to please others and focusing so much on the other person that you forget about yourself. This gave me a greater appreciation for my partner and what she has done for me. I also felt for the guy who drank to fit in when he didn't belong anywhere. Part of my journey has been trying to accept myself on my terms and not on someone else's. One of my biggest fears of not drinking was feeling like I wouldn't belong anymore. But belonging isn't the point, living healthily is. And while stopping drinking may have onset a difficult experience for me, I can objectively say the net result has been good. The discomfort sucks but its necessary. Most things in life we earn or bring on ourselves. Even if we were naive or didn't know what we were doing, our crisis begins within. No one made me cope the way I chose to cope, or not cope for that matter. No one is free from suffering. So while I have had to live with my own suffering ultimately no one can escape it at some point in there lives. This is important because the type of suffering is only a name: depersonalization, a broken leg, cancer, losing a loved one, disappointment, failed dreams. The list goes on, but we all experience it at one time or another. What we can control is how we respond. So while this experience has been tough I have controlled my response and have been better off for it. There is something to learn here even if I don't recognize it.
4:35 pm
Today has mostly gone well. I haven't really felt that fearful or anxious. My thoughts are a bit odd at times though but my rational mind tells me that these are maladaptive responses and not a truth or reality. Just like any disease, problem, or disorder that doesn't lead to death I will fully heal and not worry about these things anymore. I suppose my impatience comes more from the not knowing than some timeframe I have in my mind to be fully healed. I mean what is the timeframe? Does it matter? Isn't it more important to focus on all of the positive changes I have made and continue to make? Shouldn't I get excited about the new life I'm leading? About the new knowledge I'm acquiring? About the health I'm enjoying? About the connections I'm forming with my partner? About my desire to help and make the world a better place? About my future? About the opportunity to do something that I want to do with my life? Shouldn't all of that be the focus of my attention? I can think about those things in lieu of the negative unhelpful thoughts that don't serve me. I cannot argue with the fact that I'm here. And even if I don't know what I means or what I am there is something that is going on. I have lived a while thinking about other things for a whole day. One can logically conclude that if you can think negative things all day than you can think less and less every day. I have evidence of this being true.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
7:17 pm
Today has gone pretty well. I'm definitely functioning really well and not getting too caught up in negativity. One thing I would like to improve is being comfortable being human. When I think about the miracle of it all I get overwhelmed just thinking about existence. We take for granted that thoughts happen and that we formulate ideas and have desires and needs. It's the most natural thing in the world that we don't think anything of it. While I know I'm not the first to think of these things is it possible that I am having unique thoughts? Also, how unique it is that we experience so much through our eyes. Why does it make me uncomfortable to think about existence and consciousness? I am incredibly grateful for my improvement today and I really liked the meeting and what I learned from other people. From time to time I've had this sensation of being conscious for the first time and detachment from myself or what I used to believe my self to be. When I say detached I feel like I'm just something and that is all. I'm not in control like I used to think I was. I'm not even sure what I means. If I'm just matter than maybe I'm just matter. How can I go back to feeling completely human again? How can I start to feel and experience again without wondering about my existence. I'm starting to recognize the negative thoughts better and find myself dismissing them instead of hiding from them. I can see them coming better and have found ways to deal with them more productively. I have felt excited at many points today about my future. Perhaps the scariest thing I experience is that I have always been who I am (whatever that means) but I'm not sure I have ever been aware of myself. I don't think I've allowed myself to feel and get to know myself that much in the past. Is that what this is about? Me finally getting to know myself a bit better? What prevented me from looking within? What prevented me from not having a relationship with myself? Perhaps I don't feel connected to myself because I've never known exactly and entirely what I am. Perhaps I have never been able to answer the question of what am I. How can I continue to learn who and what I am?
Wednesday May 15, 2013
1:46 pm
Symptoms wise today has gone pretty well. I haven't focused much of my energy on my symptoms or thinking about existence. I've had periods of time where I've felt totally comfortable. I think it's helps to accept these symptoms as a process of getting to know myself.
Thursday May 16, 2013
1:53 pm
Today has been a pretty good day. I'm starting to blend the new qualities of my efforts in with my old feelings of relative comfort. I've had many periods of the day in which I've gotten lost in the moment ie feeling organic. Definite step in the right direction today.
Friday May 17, 2013
1:57 pm
Today has been a really good day. Part of my problems have been learning how to live in the moment, how to be present without fear of being present. I'm finding myself more able to do this now. I'm so grateful to feel relief. Relative to my discomfort in past months, relief is a blessing. A true blessing.
7:58 pm
Mostly positive reviews for today. Feeling comfortable being me. Starting to realize that I am me. My feelings have changed. Not the world.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Reflections on My Sustained Recovery
I am happy to share that today has been an awesome day as far as my symptoms of DP/DR. When I first started this blog, I existed in a considerable amount of pain and discomfort. Although I verbalized a cheery outlook, I still had doubts as to where my path would lead me. I simply could not fathom feeling better or feeling normal again. I obsessed over my symptoms and spent too much time researching what was wrong with me. I am fortunate to have had a great support group and the will to live happily again.
Although this may be particularly difficult for people who experience tremendous discomfort surrounding their symptoms and the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with DP/DR, I firmly believe that my experience with DP/DR needed to happen in my life and appears to have been for my own good. There were many changes that I needed to make before I could start growing into the kind of person I want to be and nothing would have compelled me to change my lifestyle more than DP/DR.
As I begin to feel myself coming even further out of the haze that is DP/DR I am further convinced that this is an entirely treatable and manageable condition. Much of my improvement has resulted from my therapists' treatment of my anxiety. Although I am a highly functional and independent adult who has accomplished quite a bit before the age of 30, I have recently realized that I never learned how to care for myself. Sure, I can pay rent and afford groceries. I shower every day and try to eat healthily. But I have spent almost none of my adult life taking care of myself. I abused alcohol for six years. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in years. I have never had a massage. I have spent years without any outlet for stress or anxiety. I almost never go to the doctor. I have always tried to sleep as little as possible. I am very hard on myself. Even my workout regimen of heavy weight lifting caused injury. These are just a few examples of ways that I have not preserved my mental or physical well-being. This leads me to believe that my DP/DR and anxiety issues were bound to happen. In fact something would have been wrong with me if I didn't reach this breaking point. Because of the fact that I have succeeded in spite of myself, there was never an impetus for me to change. Why stop drinking if I go to work every day? Why exercise if I never get sick? Why spend time relaxing if I seem happy? Why go to the dentist if I don't have a toothache? All of these things seem obvious on paper, but I never prioritized them. Therefore, my treatment plan for anxiety has helped remove a huge burden in my life and allowed me the room to focus on DP/DR. I can't say if everyone who has DP/DR also experiences anxiety, but I think that anything that lessens anxiety in your life must help on some level.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery has been getting over this mental hump of reality and my place in it. For months I obsessed over what I am and if I'm autonomous. I have felt detached from my environment and curious about my existence. I have constantly wondered about what drives my thoughts and what is the nature of existence. I still consider these things. However, I obsess over them less and I try to focus on other things. A major breakthrough in my recovery came when I began to dismiss my negative thoughts. I might think, "what am I?" and respond "what does it really matter and how is this serving me?" I have committed to not caring anymore about these existential questions. I say to myself that these questions only hurt me and I don't want to live in pain anymore. I still have some difficulty with appreciating the moment and enjoying my environment, but I'm getting better. I don't think I'm back to normal yet, but I do think that my path to "normalcy" will ultimately lead me to happiness. Happiness was not a priority for me before DP/DR. I was content with complacency and being spiritually static. One of the positive aspects of rumination and obsession is that it gives you a great opportunity to look within and to analyze what isn't working. My life and my experience with reality wasn't working for me. Now that I've realized this I have a chance to build myself up to be better than ever, better than new as my best friend would say.
I implore anyone who is in pain, or anyone who is uncomfortable, to be proactive and have hope. Help other people as well. It gives you purpose. Remember everyone suffers, even people who don't have DP/DR. Help alleviate other peoples' suffering as well as your own. Stay strong. Your life is important and you can experience relief and happiness.
Although this may be particularly difficult for people who experience tremendous discomfort surrounding their symptoms and the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with DP/DR, I firmly believe that my experience with DP/DR needed to happen in my life and appears to have been for my own good. There were many changes that I needed to make before I could start growing into the kind of person I want to be and nothing would have compelled me to change my lifestyle more than DP/DR.
As I begin to feel myself coming even further out of the haze that is DP/DR I am further convinced that this is an entirely treatable and manageable condition. Much of my improvement has resulted from my therapists' treatment of my anxiety. Although I am a highly functional and independent adult who has accomplished quite a bit before the age of 30, I have recently realized that I never learned how to care for myself. Sure, I can pay rent and afford groceries. I shower every day and try to eat healthily. But I have spent almost none of my adult life taking care of myself. I abused alcohol for six years. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in years. I have never had a massage. I have spent years without any outlet for stress or anxiety. I almost never go to the doctor. I have always tried to sleep as little as possible. I am very hard on myself. Even my workout regimen of heavy weight lifting caused injury. These are just a few examples of ways that I have not preserved my mental or physical well-being. This leads me to believe that my DP/DR and anxiety issues were bound to happen. In fact something would have been wrong with me if I didn't reach this breaking point. Because of the fact that I have succeeded in spite of myself, there was never an impetus for me to change. Why stop drinking if I go to work every day? Why exercise if I never get sick? Why spend time relaxing if I seem happy? Why go to the dentist if I don't have a toothache? All of these things seem obvious on paper, but I never prioritized them. Therefore, my treatment plan for anxiety has helped remove a huge burden in my life and allowed me the room to focus on DP/DR. I can't say if everyone who has DP/DR also experiences anxiety, but I think that anything that lessens anxiety in your life must help on some level.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery has been getting over this mental hump of reality and my place in it. For months I obsessed over what I am and if I'm autonomous. I have felt detached from my environment and curious about my existence. I have constantly wondered about what drives my thoughts and what is the nature of existence. I still consider these things. However, I obsess over them less and I try to focus on other things. A major breakthrough in my recovery came when I began to dismiss my negative thoughts. I might think, "what am I?" and respond "what does it really matter and how is this serving me?" I have committed to not caring anymore about these existential questions. I say to myself that these questions only hurt me and I don't want to live in pain anymore. I still have some difficulty with appreciating the moment and enjoying my environment, but I'm getting better. I don't think I'm back to normal yet, but I do think that my path to "normalcy" will ultimately lead me to happiness. Happiness was not a priority for me before DP/DR. I was content with complacency and being spiritually static. One of the positive aspects of rumination and obsession is that it gives you a great opportunity to look within and to analyze what isn't working. My life and my experience with reality wasn't working for me. Now that I've realized this I have a chance to build myself up to be better than ever, better than new as my best friend would say.
I implore anyone who is in pain, or anyone who is uncomfortable, to be proactive and have hope. Help other people as well. It gives you purpose. Remember everyone suffers, even people who don't have DP/DR. Help alleviate other peoples' suffering as well as your own. Stay strong. Your life is important and you can experience relief and happiness.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Journal Entries May 8-May 12
Wednesday May 8, 2013
Symptoms wise today has actually been ok. I think the ceremony at the river for my mom was really special and meaningful. I appreciated hearing those words from my partner and I enjoyed the opportunity to share those feelings and connect with her in that way. I haven't spent really anytime ruminating or thinking about existence. I've felt a bit odd at times but overall today has been manageable and productive. I don't feel as bad about my history with the symptoms. I'm going to be ok! I'm going to be better than ok, I'm going to be happy!
Thursday May 9, 2013
Feeling pretty good today. I have not felt anxious and I have been able to accomplish many of my tasks without thinking about my existence. I have still thought about it some though. I wonder how I can stop thinking about my existence and just be all the time. I'm encouraged by my progress though and will remain committed to the process and have faith that this is an opportunity to learn about myself and how to help in the world.
Felt pretty good for most of the day. I'm still having a persistent fear or amazement about what I am. What is the essence of me? Body? Mind? Something else? Why don't many other people worry about this? How do others successfully conceive of themselves? What will my comfort look like? Peace is on the horizon. I have much to be grateful for. I have been much more adept at enjoying my time and my days. I've done quite a bit to improve my life and my existence. One thing I want to address or improve is the feeling I get from time to time that I'm alive or conscious or aware for the first time. It's kind of like whoa I'm here. What is all this? I have lived a whole life without considering these things so it is not unreasonable to think I can again. I know this is true because I have had destructive and obsessive thoughts my whole life that I haven't effectively managed or addressed. I am at a great advantage these days as I now have the tools to succeed.
Friday May 10, 2013
Today has gone well. Little anxiety. Very little ruminations about what I am. I had a peaceful and effective yoga and meditation practice. Overall I've been productive and I think productivity definitely eases my discomfort.
Today has been mostly manageable. At times I feel a disconnect or the what am I feeling but mostly I'm feeling ok. There is still a duality I feel of being lost in thought then being in the outer world or the world outside of myself and my mind. I'd like them both to flow and exist as one.
Saturday May 11, 20139:58 pm
Today was actually a really good day. No anxiety to speak of. I didn't spend much time thinking about my existence and when I was at the talk the speaker's thoughts on reality and humanity didn't bother me. I get a bit confused by what I am but mostly I'm comfortable today. That meditation during the talk was very powerful.
Sunday May 12, 20137:40 am
Woke up thinking about the nature of my existence. I'm wondering if I am an entity unto myself or if I am just a part of nature, just more matter in the universe. Usually it seems that getting in to the day distracts me from these thoughts and more importantly the impact they have on me. Today will be another day of improvement!
I had some ups and downs today anxiety wise and comfort wise. It was really nice to talk with my brother and see how good he is doing. Its quite inspiring to see how much his experience is helping him grow and how much good he is doing. It was a terrific opportunity to see him. At times during church today I felt very inspired and full of love and life. Although there may have been some disconnect I felt good. The service ran a bit long though and I started to feel anxious and antsy. I felt a bit better after meditation. I felt a bit better at lunch but still a bit uneasy. I didn't really feel relaxed today until yoga and my second meditation. Time really seems to be going faster than normal and I feel a disconnect from myself in the past. The past seems like it is comprised of separate entities that didn't happen to me. I still what it means to be me. I realize that these thoughts reflect an ability to think and experience and grow, but something is making me uncomfortable with my being. What is my road block? Is there an ETA? There are many benefits to going through this experience, and I look forward to what I can continue to learn and benefit from all of this. I am grateful for my mental and physical health.
Symptoms wise today has actually been ok. I think the ceremony at the river for my mom was really special and meaningful. I appreciated hearing those words from my partner and I enjoyed the opportunity to share those feelings and connect with her in that way. I haven't spent really anytime ruminating or thinking about existence. I've felt a bit odd at times but overall today has been manageable and productive. I don't feel as bad about my history with the symptoms. I'm going to be ok! I'm going to be better than ok, I'm going to be happy!
Thursday May 9, 2013
Feeling pretty good today. I have not felt anxious and I have been able to accomplish many of my tasks without thinking about my existence. I have still thought about it some though. I wonder how I can stop thinking about my existence and just be all the time. I'm encouraged by my progress though and will remain committed to the process and have faith that this is an opportunity to learn about myself and how to help in the world.
Felt pretty good for most of the day. I'm still having a persistent fear or amazement about what I am. What is the essence of me? Body? Mind? Something else? Why don't many other people worry about this? How do others successfully conceive of themselves? What will my comfort look like? Peace is on the horizon. I have much to be grateful for. I have been much more adept at enjoying my time and my days. I've done quite a bit to improve my life and my existence. One thing I want to address or improve is the feeling I get from time to time that I'm alive or conscious or aware for the first time. It's kind of like whoa I'm here. What is all this? I have lived a whole life without considering these things so it is not unreasonable to think I can again. I know this is true because I have had destructive and obsessive thoughts my whole life that I haven't effectively managed or addressed. I am at a great advantage these days as I now have the tools to succeed.
Friday May 10, 2013
Today has gone well. Little anxiety. Very little ruminations about what I am. I had a peaceful and effective yoga and meditation practice. Overall I've been productive and I think productivity definitely eases my discomfort.
Today has been mostly manageable. At times I feel a disconnect or the what am I feeling but mostly I'm feeling ok. There is still a duality I feel of being lost in thought then being in the outer world or the world outside of myself and my mind. I'd like them both to flow and exist as one.
Saturday May 11, 20139:58 pm
Today was actually a really good day. No anxiety to speak of. I didn't spend much time thinking about my existence and when I was at the talk the speaker's thoughts on reality and humanity didn't bother me. I get a bit confused by what I am but mostly I'm comfortable today. That meditation during the talk was very powerful.
Sunday May 12, 20137:40 am
Woke up thinking about the nature of my existence. I'm wondering if I am an entity unto myself or if I am just a part of nature, just more matter in the universe. Usually it seems that getting in to the day distracts me from these thoughts and more importantly the impact they have on me. Today will be another day of improvement!
I had some ups and downs today anxiety wise and comfort wise. It was really nice to talk with my brother and see how good he is doing. Its quite inspiring to see how much his experience is helping him grow and how much good he is doing. It was a terrific opportunity to see him. At times during church today I felt very inspired and full of love and life. Although there may have been some disconnect I felt good. The service ran a bit long though and I started to feel anxious and antsy. I felt a bit better after meditation. I felt a bit better at lunch but still a bit uneasy. I didn't really feel relaxed today until yoga and my second meditation. Time really seems to be going faster than normal and I feel a disconnect from myself in the past. The past seems like it is comprised of separate entities that didn't happen to me. I still what it means to be me. I realize that these thoughts reflect an ability to think and experience and grow, but something is making me uncomfortable with my being. What is my road block? Is there an ETA? There are many benefits to going through this experience, and I look forward to what I can continue to learn and benefit from all of this. I am grateful for my mental and physical health.
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