Although I am continuing to experience discomfort as it relates to depersonalization and derealization, I wanted to take some time to focus on the positive. Part of the symptoms associated with this experience have to do with ruminating about existential questions as well concerning ourselves with worst case scenarios. The condition is inherently negative in that everything that we once considered normal and natural don't seem as such any more. Even the most difficult times of my life pale in comparison to the confusion, dread, hopelessness, discomfort and fear that I have felt during these past couple of months. I feel like I lack power and that my true self resides somewhere I am not able to find at the present moment. My most intense desire is to be able to exist without any thoughts or anxiety associated with existence. Despite my feelings and despite the continued daily struggle, it could not be any more clear to me that there are many things to celebrate about me at this very moment as it pertains to depersonalization and derealization.
As stated above this is undoubtedly the most difficult part of my life to this point. Even when I have had heartbreak, loss, disappointment, and anxiety in the past, it all still felt real and more importantly the thought of whether or not it was real never crossed my mind. However, I am here today to write about it. Let's put aside these existential questions of what "today" is or what "I" am and realize how powerful it is to make it through each day with these feelings. Many of my ruminations have had to do with the nature of things and a search for some evidence that lends credence to even the most basic assumptions. But as it pertains to the struggle I face daily along with many others we can not ignore the fact that no matter what has happened or how bad it has felt at times, I am here to write about it. Maybe I don't know what "I" am, but on some level I am confident that I have made it through yet another day. What's funny is in the mornings I often think to myself "how in the heck am I going to make it through today?" Yet here I am on a Friday night having completed another one. Every day is an accomplishment and in some sense one step closer to recovery.
This leads me to my next point, which is that there isn't a single form of discomfort that lasts forever. Just as a cut heals, or an organ can recover with surgery, or person can eventually live with the grief of losing a loved one, so too can and will people with depersonalization/derealization heal. Now this isn't to say that all will be perfect one day. Nor is it to say things will be as they once were (ask anyone who has had ACL surgery about this). But what it does mean is that everything in our realm of consciousness is always changing, particularly as it pertains to the human mind and body. If you would've asked me when I was 17 years old if I would ever get over the heartbreak of being dumped, I would say "no way." But as we all know time, perspective, and life heals many wounds. There's no way that the person I was with when I was 17 could possibly work with me now. The same could be said for my sense of reality. It wasn't working for me as I was and if it was working than wouldn't I be ok with it? The point is that we can reframe depersonalization and derealization in a more positive light. We can allow the old way we saw the world and reality to move and we have the power and tremendous opportunity to recreate a better self. Undoubtedly, something has chance (ie. the way we used to feel didn't last forever). Great! Now is a chance to get better. Just think of the worst you have felt as it pertains to anxiety, DP or DR. There were times when it was worse than others. Even if you feel bad all of the time some times are worse than others. Just as the worst of the worst feelings don't last forever, the feelings of DP/DR don't have to last forever. Healing takes time, healing takes patience, and healing takes the help of people who know how to help you recover. As we aim toward recovery we should keep in mind that given the intensity and prevalence of our discomfort that we need to look for examples of the discomfort lessening or quieting so that we have proof that life and our feelings do get better.
Furthermore, we can use this concept of celebrating the small victories to help us set goals for recovery. Overcoming DP/DR is a large task, so start with small goals. If you feel awful every moment of the day set the goal to smile a certain number of times. Perhaps you can write a schedule of things you would like to do (just write it out, you wouldn't have to do anything). Start to journal your thoughts or text message yourself things you're feeling during the day. Then use these small goals as opportunities to celebrate yourself. Congratulate yourself for accomplishing a task. Say out loud how amazing you are for getting the task done despite every feeling in your body telling you that you couldn't. We spend so much time focusing on the negative aspects of DP/DR, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to think of some of the positive things.
I couldn't possibly write a novel in a few days. Nor could the pyramids have been built in a few months. Beethoven didn't just sit at the piano and bang out chords and all of a sudden there's beautiful music. In any task or any accomplishment of note we must take small steps. Some days we will make great progress. And other days we will witness setbacks. But the point is that whatever this is that we're going through (as I'm still struggling with reality myself) it will not last forever and we have small victories every single day. The only thing we need to do is recognize them.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Journal Insight
To gain a better grasp of what exactly my symptoms are and how I am responding and reacting to them, I have decided to share some of my journal entries regarding the topic. Below you will see some excerpts from my journaling over the past couple months:
Sunday February 28 10:45 am The pain is intense. Feel extreme hopelessness and alienation. At one point as I'm turning I feel completely afraid of my consciousness. Almost as if I'm conscious for the first time. My waking hours feel like a dream. Thinking about things that happened yesterday feels like a distant memory. As I'm writing this the pain is less intense but still around.
Sunday March 3 Felt foggy before and after 10:00 am basketball game. Still having this feeling as if I'm in a dream. Still have this dissociated from my actions and my being. Still having difficulty overcoming sensation of being curious about my consciousness. My mood is ok now but I find myself able to get through day by not focusing on that scary feeling. I've noticed that I feel a lot better when it's dark outside. During the evening with friends I don't feel connected to the moment. More like I'm coexisting but find myself wondering about others and my own humanity. Having a difficult time remembering what it felt like to see the world before. I feel as if I'm seeing things as they are for the first time and that I lived my life before with a veil over my eyes. Like I was never connected to the moment. I don't remember my mind being as active as it is now with this constant wondering about what am I. I miss the feeling of just reacting and living.
Sunday February 28 10:45 am The pain is intense. Feel extreme hopelessness and alienation. At one point as I'm turning I feel completely afraid of my consciousness. Almost as if I'm conscious for the first time. My waking hours feel like a dream. Thinking about things that happened yesterday feels like a distant memory. As I'm writing this the pain is less intense but still around.
Sunday March 3 Felt foggy before and after 10:00 am basketball game. Still having this feeling as if I'm in a dream. Still have this dissociated from my actions and my being. Still having difficulty overcoming sensation of being curious about my consciousness. My mood is ok now but I find myself able to get through day by not focusing on that scary feeling. I've noticed that I feel a lot better when it's dark outside. During the evening with friends I don't feel connected to the moment. More like I'm coexisting but find myself wondering about others and my own humanity. Having a difficult time remembering what it felt like to see the world before. I feel as if I'm seeing things as they are for the first time and that I lived my life before with a veil over my eyes. Like I was never connected to the moment. I don't remember my mind being as active as it is now with this constant wondering about what am I. I miss the feeling of just reacting and living.
Monday March 4 Woke up feeling just awful. It was overwhelming and for a moment I thought I would lose control of myself. Felt better after I got up to use the restroom but still had residual anxiety. I went to the gym but it was closed so I did errands. Felt a little bit better after. I find myself wanting that physical hugging comfort from my mom. I've been having a difficult time concentrating long on books and even basketball games. It's 12:30 pm and I feel better than when I woke up.
Tuesday March 5 Have felt uncomfortable for a good portion of the morning. Have this sense of being in a dream/being an automated. Having a hard time living in the moment. The most helpful thing is becoming preoccupied with other things, but when I return to the moment and my environment I feel disconnected from myself and the environment again. If I had to set a goal it would be able to get through the day (or at least portions of the day to start with) where I'm just able to perceive and react with no thought attached to it. Another goal would be to feel connected to the environment and not having this sense of me being something different or unattached. When I feel like this it gives me the impression that life is an illusion and that its all just happening to me. It makes me feel that others and places are a creation of my mind. Intellectually I know this to likely be untrue. However there's also no way to prove that. If I am unable to overcome these thoughts in the immediate future I would like to at least have a zombie like feeling where I'm not attached to the anxiety of this dissociated state. Ultimately I just want to feel comfortable just being and I want my mind and body to feel connected. I often feel that I am many separate entities and my goal is to be just one person who is composed of a mind and body and spirit. It's hard when I go from focused on a task to not because I immediately become aware of my plight again. I've also been feeling detached from things in the immediate past. Yesterday feels like a distant dream. If there's one meaning in all this I'm hoping that it will allow me to connect with others better than before and I'm hoping that there's something to do with anxiety that is preventing me from connecting at this point. I generally prefer dark/dim environments recently. It gives me a small amount of calm.
10:36 pm. Took dog out and had strong sense of detachment from my body. Almost the sensation of watching myself let the dog out. This lead to the feeling of going through the motions and not controlling my actions. I keep going back and forth between thinking my thoughts organically and then being uncomfortable with having thoughts in the first place. The scope and miracle of it all is overwhelming.
Wednesday March 6 10:44 am. Been feeling the disconnect from body for most of the morning. Have the sensation of being programmed to do all my actions. Afraid of my own existence in the sense that I wonder what makes me me. Having a difficult time not focusing on these feelings and the only respite is when I become preoccupied but then when I return back to my environment I get that dream feeling. This feeling is more pronounced when I take the dog out. During these times life feels like a movie in front of my eyes. I wonder about agency of self.
Friday March 8 Strong sense of being in a dream today. Don't feel completely human as I once did. I feel like I'm going through the motions and that I lack agency. Don't feel connected to environment or myself. I feel like I'm floating through he day ie I'm just a part of a scene. I don't feel the connection to my friends and my partner. My anxiety about this isn't terribly high though I'm worried about this relentless feeling of detachment from myself and my environment. I really just want to be able to just be without this constant discomfort of self and feeling of being a part of a scene. It sucks because while it feels like I'm going nuts these circumstances and feelings are very real to me ie its harder to feel like these are symptoms rather than just what will always be. Felt really disconnected from body today. I can hold an intelligent conversation but my mind feels disconnected from reality. My day/life feels like a dream.
Tuesday March 12 Symptoms of detachment from self started immediately upon waking up. I wonder a lot of the day about who or what I am. I've been thinking that were all just matter and in some sense everything is one and this is a distressing thing to me. When I say life feels like a dream it means that I feel like I'm somehow not as much in control of the moment as I'd like to be. When I walk it feels like its part of a routine set out for me. I feel a certain lack of autonomy. Time has been an odd thing, particularly as it relates to my day. It's hard for me to imagine hours ahead. I grow fearful when examine my environment and start to have doubts about the reality of it all ie somehow this is all a figment of an imagination. Mass, 3D objects and other people don't appear as they once did. Out of my hope of hopes this is a perception issue.
Monday March 18 I have a recurring feeling of not being a part of it all. I find myself really concerned about the miracle that is life. I wonder how much agency I have in decisions and thoughts. I constantly feel anxious about my own existence. I struggle with the concept of who and what I am. I feel so detached from everything. I know that I live on earth in the us etc but its hard to live comfortably as I am.
Wednesday March 20 The past two days have actually been more manageable as far as my DDR symptoms. I have still had times of anxiety. This happened today before yoga class and around 530 when I transitioned at work. So I didn't feel anxiety symptoms during work today. However I did feel anxious/awful when I woke up in the middle of the night. One of the problems that has been bothering me is this seeming duality of consciousness. I will find myself focused on a task for a period of time and then I will "switch" back into this preoccupation with my own ability to be real and function. I spend time thinking about the essential elements of consciousness and reality. I'm mostly bothered by my inability recently to connect as human beings do (ie I find myself either above it all or detached from any feeling toward things). I often get the sense of being in or observing a play or a show. What drives me to do each and every thing I do? Perhaps the scariest part is that there is no escape that I know of from these thoughts. I feel best when I'm talking sports with others. Yoga has been an interesting experience in that my anxiety is low during it, but I will admit that having my eyes closed for the practice helps ease the anxiety. I often feel a disconnect between minutes or moments and certainly between parts of the day. I don't conceive of time as I once did in that its not linear to me any more. I'm getting the sense that all happenings are pushed into one existence. I feel a certain meaninglessness about life when I think about how short a time we get which is exacerbated when I feel like all time is happening at once in a sense. I move from moment to moment feeling like I am a robot. I still have the hardest time when I wake up in the morning. Again it's this transition of consciousness from being asleep to awake. I'm uncomfortable with my own consciousness in thinking about the miracle of it all. When I awaken its like a scene before my eyes rather than an environment to start my day. There's a certain disconnect in my actions. I feel like I'm just doing things but there's no reason. It's weird because I'm apathetic to most things right now but still follow my social norms of going to work doing housework etc. I feel like there's a me that has been lost somewhere and I'm hoping to reconnect but don't know how to. I want my mind and body to be integrated and not feel separate. I want my mind to feel more autonomous and not automated. I still feel somewhat alien in my environment despite knowing the area well. I feel disconnected from the environment. Places I can zone out and at least relax a little: treadmill, yoga with eyes closed, talking sports, talking with my therapist for a good amount of the time, checking phone, sometimes listening to music, playing Madden, doing things on the computer.
A Little Bit About Me
March 26
I think before delving into my musings about DDR it's first important to share a little background information about the experiences and circumstances leading up to this time in my life. All of the research I've done into the anecdotal evidence of depersonalization and derealization it is abundantly clear that we all arrived at this place from different backgrounds and circumstances. Even still, each of the manifestations of DPAFU (depersonalization and feelings of unreality) appear and seem different from one another. My research has indicated that though our symptoms may fall under a certain criteria we can all experience them in different ways and are bothered by them to greater and lesser extents. Despite this fact, I will contribute more anecdotes not in an attempt to find someone who shares my experiences or to have a "brother in arms" so to speak, but rather to offer how I've dealt with these feelings and to connect myself to the world through my feelings about the symptoms I've experienced.
So as I stated in the first post, I started having these feelings of DDR/DPAFU at the end of December 2012/January 2013. I lost my mother suddenly in 2006 when I was a young adult and never found an effective or at least a healthy way to handle this loss and the subsequent feelings of grief. In fact, I essentially ignored or avoided these feelings for the past six years having never gone to therapy (until this past October) or found any other way to grieve the loss of my mother. Also, there was an additional change in my family's structure (caused by my father) that added an additional element of stress to my life. Those are my major stressors prior to this September. I am additionally in the process of making a career choice that will affect not only the arc of my life, but also my location of residence. Currently, I'm living many miles away from home and I am now faced with the decision of going back or staying here. I am torn between a number of factors and circumstances in this decision, which undoubtedly has caused me a great amount of stress. I hope that these tidbits provide at least some context as to how I got where I am and also shows that DDR/DPAFU can be caused by any number of circumstances.
I think before delving into my musings about DDR it's first important to share a little background information about the experiences and circumstances leading up to this time in my life. All of the research I've done into the anecdotal evidence of depersonalization and derealization it is abundantly clear that we all arrived at this place from different backgrounds and circumstances. Even still, each of the manifestations of DPAFU (depersonalization and feelings of unreality) appear and seem different from one another. My research has indicated that though our symptoms may fall under a certain criteria we can all experience them in different ways and are bothered by them to greater and lesser extents. Despite this fact, I will contribute more anecdotes not in an attempt to find someone who shares my experiences or to have a "brother in arms" so to speak, but rather to offer how I've dealt with these feelings and to connect myself to the world through my feelings about the symptoms I've experienced.
So as I stated in the first post, I started having these feelings of DDR/DPAFU at the end of December 2012/January 2013. I lost my mother suddenly in 2006 when I was a young adult and never found an effective or at least a healthy way to handle this loss and the subsequent feelings of grief. In fact, I essentially ignored or avoided these feelings for the past six years having never gone to therapy (until this past October) or found any other way to grieve the loss of my mother. Also, there was an additional change in my family's structure (caused by my father) that added an additional element of stress to my life. Those are my major stressors prior to this September. I am additionally in the process of making a career choice that will affect not only the arc of my life, but also my location of residence. Currently, I'm living many miles away from home and I am now faced with the decision of going back or staying here. I am torn between a number of factors and circumstances in this decision, which undoubtedly has caused me a great amount of stress. I hope that these tidbits provide at least some context as to how I got where I am and also shows that DDR/DPAFU can be caused by any number of circumstances.
Welcome to My Experience with Healing DDR/Anxiety
Welcome to my blog on ways that I've attempted to heal and cope with the symptoms of depersonalization, derealization, and anxiety. Please note that I am not a mental healthcare professional nor am I qualified or certified to help anyone with mental or physical health problems in any way. So please note the disclaimer that my words should not be taken as professional recommendations or advice, but rather as my sharing of things that I have attempted to do to mitigate my own experience with depersonalization, derealization, and anxiety. I will refer to depersonalization and derealization as DDR for the purposes of this blog. I would also like anyone who reads this to be aware of the fact that anything I write that sounds or appears to be a generalization should not be taken as such. This blog is entirely one of my own experience and should be read as such. Any research that I have done or any thoughts that I have on said research should not be taken as an authority on the subject, but rather ideas that I have come across in my attempt to heal.
My experiences with DDR began around the end of December 2012. So I've been dealing with the feelings for roughly three months at publication of this blog. I have had symptoms of anxiety for the past 6 years, which until recently have remained essentially unchecked and certainly not addressed or dealt with. The physical manifestations of my anxiety revealed themselves through incessant shortness of breath and a tingling sensation in my scalp among other things. However, I intend the primary focus of this blog to be on my experience with DDR mostly due to the fact that there is not a plethora of "feel good" stories on DDR. And while I have certainly not moved past my experience with DDR, I have been able to change my perspective a bit and have at times felt that there is hope for me to live without DDR in my life. In the following posts you will find my musings (which will sometimes be redundant), experiences with, thoughts on, and updates regarding my time with DDR. Please feel free to comment on my posts (I'm not too sensitive) or email me regarding your experiences. Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of DDR is the feeling of isolation I have felt since recognizing the symptoms in my life. It has been nearly impossible to explain it to people in my life and I have even had a difficult time explaining it to my own therapist. It is a challenge for people who do not live with DDR to understand exactly what it is. Although this has made me feel alienated in many ways, it is encouraging because there is a world full of people who are living there lives without this experience. I feel encouraged by this fact because it means to me that this is a problem of perspective, a problem of the mind, and a problem that can be fixed. I have lived most of my life without the incessant symptoms of DDR, which to me means that I can get past this with some work and some time.
I have often felt overwhelmed by the amount of negative information regarding experiences with DDR and I have created this blog with the intention of giving myself hope that my experience with DDR can be overcome and conquered. In doing so I would like to be able to contribute to the web a success story in overcoming DDR and ideally some proof that people can overcome this very painful, confusing, and difficult experience. Please know that despite the fact that almost every fiber of my being feels that my experience with DDR will never pass, I do have hope. I do not know why, but I believe that there is a life of happiness in front of me. I believe also that I can feel like myself again as long as I remain patient, commit myself to the process or healing, and allow myself to have the perspective that my experience with DDR can be an opportunity to learn. I'll close this first post with a quote that I have kept on the home screen of my phone for the past few weeks. Apologies to the person who said this quote, but I did not see an author when I came across this quote. "Sometimes you fall down, because there is something down there that you are supposed to find."
My experiences with DDR began around the end of December 2012. So I've been dealing with the feelings for roughly three months at publication of this blog. I have had symptoms of anxiety for the past 6 years, which until recently have remained essentially unchecked and certainly not addressed or dealt with. The physical manifestations of my anxiety revealed themselves through incessant shortness of breath and a tingling sensation in my scalp among other things. However, I intend the primary focus of this blog to be on my experience with DDR mostly due to the fact that there is not a plethora of "feel good" stories on DDR. And while I have certainly not moved past my experience with DDR, I have been able to change my perspective a bit and have at times felt that there is hope for me to live without DDR in my life. In the following posts you will find my musings (which will sometimes be redundant), experiences with, thoughts on, and updates regarding my time with DDR. Please feel free to comment on my posts (I'm not too sensitive) or email me regarding your experiences. Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of DDR is the feeling of isolation I have felt since recognizing the symptoms in my life. It has been nearly impossible to explain it to people in my life and I have even had a difficult time explaining it to my own therapist. It is a challenge for people who do not live with DDR to understand exactly what it is. Although this has made me feel alienated in many ways, it is encouraging because there is a world full of people who are living there lives without this experience. I feel encouraged by this fact because it means to me that this is a problem of perspective, a problem of the mind, and a problem that can be fixed. I have lived most of my life without the incessant symptoms of DDR, which to me means that I can get past this with some work and some time.
I have often felt overwhelmed by the amount of negative information regarding experiences with DDR and I have created this blog with the intention of giving myself hope that my experience with DDR can be overcome and conquered. In doing so I would like to be able to contribute to the web a success story in overcoming DDR and ideally some proof that people can overcome this very painful, confusing, and difficult experience. Please know that despite the fact that almost every fiber of my being feels that my experience with DDR will never pass, I do have hope. I do not know why, but I believe that there is a life of happiness in front of me. I believe also that I can feel like myself again as long as I remain patient, commit myself to the process or healing, and allow myself to have the perspective that my experience with DDR can be an opportunity to learn. I'll close this first post with a quote that I have kept on the home screen of my phone for the past few weeks. Apologies to the person who said this quote, but I did not see an author when I came across this quote. "Sometimes you fall down, because there is something down there that you are supposed to find."
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