Wednesday May 22, 2013
12:49 pmI do wonder if I'm getting anything out of therapy. I know it's hard for me to acknowledge progress but I think I may be of the mindset of if I don't have homework than I'm no doing good work in therapy. I will admit that meditation seems to help. I think I'm getting something out of the meetings. I do worry about this sense of being here for the first time. I do worry about my disconnect from my former self. I am eager to exist organically and as one. I thank God that I am more comfortable. I am also happy that I can enjoy more of life. I also wonder if we're treating what I actually have. I only worry because I'm not sure I describe my symptoms correctly. However the people who examine me are well trained and experienced and there are only a finite amount of conditions. And my symptoms aren't something really wacky or obscure. I am thankful for that. Undoubtedly my discomfort will help me grow and be happy.
Friday May 24, 2013
8:25 amYesterday and today are interesting. Yesterday felt pretty good at times and at times I felt disconnected from my body. It's an odd sensation, but I do a good job of recognizing it as symptoms and not this overwhelming thing that I won't be able to handle. I'm handling it just fine actually. Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is this struggle between what I can logically conclude about my symptoms versus my thinking that I'm the beneficiary of some great knowledge or insight. The problem comes when I think about what drives the nature of my thoughts, even this journal entry. I might also want to know what my body's relationship is to my mind. I can find comfort in knowing that I'm not God and therefore would have little say about many things no matter how I viewed them. I'm finding it interesting how much I've always lived in my own world, not realizing that everyone out there is going through their own lives. Everyone has their own journey and I've never thought to care or consider this. I've actually always wanted other people to be happy. When I think about it I've never wanted unhappiness or ill will for others. However I've never been overly invested in others' experiences. It's never really occurred to me beyond the surface level that maybe its not ok to focus so much of my energy on how I'm doing. The ironic thing about that is that I haven't ever spent much energy on self care either. In many ways I've just shuffled from activity to activity with no real direction as to where I know I want to go. Perhaps I would have gotten there no matter what decisions I make, but maybe this experience is giving me the kick to start exploring.
6:20 pm
Fact: there's no way around it that this is all perception. Every tool to succeed is already in me. Remain patient. Don't think about things that make you uncomfortable.
Saturday May 25, 2013
10:15 amFeeling a bit anxious today. It feels nice to reminisce about school, but I am having a hard time fully appreciating the moment. These feelings are just a product of unhelpful thinking. I am patient and calm and accepting. I am doing a good job of living with these symptoms. Remember that change is inevitable. Nothing bad can happen to me even if I'm uncomfortable. This is a good thing to remember. It's also good to remember what a blessing it is to wake up. I have so much to be thankful for. I have really loved my time at school and its a blessing to be back.
7:54 pm
Today has been ok. I haven't really felt that anxious but my disconnect from self has been there. It's been nice to talk and hang. I'm at least able to realize that these thoughts are just a part of symptoms. Thinking of it this way makes it more manageable.
Sunday May 26, 2013
1:16 pmToday has been an ok day. I've felt a bit anxious at times. I'm feeling better anxiety wise after meditating, but I have been feeling a disconnect from myself today. I am feeling a bit of fear because I'm not sure if I'm starting to lose my personality, or more importantly the unchanging part of me. I am fearful of not retaining my identity or sense of control and self. Resistance fails to serve me however. I am going to enjoy what I have with the means and constructs I possess to enjoy things. A goal would be to gain a better understanding of what I'm experiencing. I only ask this so that I can better strategize and deal with my discomfort. I am getting the sensation of my consciousness being new. I'm also getting the sensation that I'm not in control or that what I do has no merit or purpose. I am still struggling with self concept. However I'm better off than I was. I'm learning a whole lot a out myself and the human psyche. I'm on a definitive spiritual path. I have people who love me. I have someone to share my life with.
5:22 pm
Im having a bit of a hard time conceptualizing what I'm feeling right now. I just feel a bit odd, off, and out of sorts. I feel kind of spacey and disconnected. Some goals: figure out what feeling spacey is, rid myself of the notion that I'm having profound thoughts, embody my gratitude list, try to help others, accept the process.
Tuesday May 28, 2013
11:26 amYesterday and today have been ok. I have some feelings of anxiety and unease. I am pleased that I handled being out of my routine fairly well. My experience traveling this time has been much better than when we traveled in January. I can definitely say that I was more at ease, less obsessive with my thoughts, more able to engage, more hopeful, and generally more happy than when I traveled a few months ago. Perhaps I can't quantify the improvement, but I know. I'm even able to think existential thoughts without getting really worked up. I think that the nature of this experience lends itself to a lot of confusion. The biggest change is thinking about thinking. Obsessive thoughts. Destructive thoughts that don't serve me. Something has gotten me in a rut, but it doesn't have to stay this way. I think it's important to commit myself fully to my goals. I want to live in peace. I want to exist organically without thinking about my existence. I want this with all of my being. So I have to lay out a plan for the life that I want to live. I have to commit myself fully to this plan. If I don't want to be bothered than I have to stop being bothered. Remember I've done this for most of my life.
7:09 pm
I've gotten by pretty well today. I've been pretty comfortable and engaged at work. I've gotten a lot done in terms of working on me. I've made a list of things I want to accomplish in my life. How can I just exist without these thoughts? Remember when I was just a member of the world who didn't consider these things? It's important to note that I couldn't even consider these questions if I didn't have the capacity to think and create. I'm in more control than I think.
Wednesday May 29, 2013
1:51 pmToday has been ok. I'm still here to think about it and write about it. Yoga went well today and I enjoyed my guided meditation. I still think my mind races a bit too much during meditation but the guiding helps it. I feel a bit mentally blocked up as far as living a normal life again. What is driving all of my thoughts? How can I get more comfortable with just existing? Surely other people have grappled with this issue and have come out safe and sound on the other side. I can't help but look at my environment and think of the impermanence of things. But I'm also troubled by just being. How can I do that again and live in peace?
9:40 pm
I'm a little bummed out that I'm not back to normal yet. I'm not frustrated because of the work I'm putting in, but I am frustrated because I feel like these thoughts take away from my enjoying life. How did I get to this point? Sometimes I feel like I'm not here but on another level I know I am. I feel like I've hit a plateau again and I'm eager to feel even better. I am blessed for my improvement and I am blessed for my discomfort because I'm here to feel uncomfortable. Patience is so important.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Desire and Commitment
I have recently been exposed to a yoga teacher and meditation instructor named Rod Stryker. I am reading a book by him called "The Four Desires" and I think many of the ideas in his book are relevant to a person experiencing anxiety, depression, depersonalization, and derealization. In no way do I take credit for the ideas in his book, nor do I want to infringe on anyone's copyrighted ideas. I just want to share some reflections on the ideas I was exposed to in Mr. Stryker's book. I also want to preface this post by saying that I began reading this book after my symptoms have improved, but I do think the ideas in his book are accesible to people at any stage in their recoevry because it offers a plan for people to accomplish any of their goals. He does not spend too much time musing on existential questions, but rather focuses on how people can live a more fulfilled and happy life in which they live out his or her personal purpose. In the most recent chapter I read in "The Four Desires" Mr. Stryker talks about different levels or types of desire. He lists four levels starting with something as simple as "it's hot, I need a cold drink," to being infatuated with another person, to being completely committed to an idea or cause to finally embodying the desire that you have.
Mr. Stryker seems to draw a link between the level of one's desire to the ability to accomplish a goal. I think this insight is brilliant. I think that many of us get jaded in assessing our own and other's ability to accomplish their goals. We often think in terms of luck, politics, natural ability, and other external circumstances that we believe control our destiny. Hard work has progressively gone out of style. Many scholarly circles dismiss the notion of "The American Dream" and the relevance of hard work to one's life outcome. How terribly depressing this must be to people who believe this to be true!
I take another view however. If you want something strongly enough, you can accomplish it. This is not to say that external circumstances are negligible, but rather that we have much more control than we think we do. We can not control an earthquake, or being laid off, or a loved one passing away. But we can control how we respond to any of these things. Think of Hurrican Katrina or any of the recent natural disasters in the United States. Thanks to television we witnessed stories of people looting New Orleans stores for goods, but we also witnessed extraordinary acts of compassion and selflessness. Both groups of people experienced the natural disaster and both controlled their responses. Mr. Stryker suggests that our ability to accomplish our goals exists in our ability to overcome resistance to the accomplishment of the goals. He shares that our attitude or level of desire from the outset dictates our ability to overcome the resistance.
I know how awful the symptoms feel. I know how the sense of hopelessness permeates much of your existence. I know how confusing and uncomfortable the thoughts and experiences of DP/DR can be and are. I also know that I have devoted the better part of my last five months to ridding myself of these symptoms. My partner, my therapist, my family and my friends have all witnessed a marked improvement not just in my outlook, but in other aspects of my life as well. I have been very clear and committed to my goals and have done almost everything in my power to be happy and live in peace. By remaining committed to healing I have also allowed myself to weather the setbacks and work towards my goals every day. Resistance will come. However, if we have a plan and more importantly a strong desire to live in peace than we can accomplishment. I would recommend reflecting on how committed you are to overcoming your symptoms. What proof do you have of this commitment? What is your plan of attack? Do you need to recommit yourself? How strong is your desire? How have you faced resistance? I remain committed to my belief that these symptoms are manageable and that we can overcome our discomfort and unease. Commitment and desire to achieve are major factors in accomplishing these goals.
Mr. Stryker seems to draw a link between the level of one's desire to the ability to accomplish a goal. I think this insight is brilliant. I think that many of us get jaded in assessing our own and other's ability to accomplish their goals. We often think in terms of luck, politics, natural ability, and other external circumstances that we believe control our destiny. Hard work has progressively gone out of style. Many scholarly circles dismiss the notion of "The American Dream" and the relevance of hard work to one's life outcome. How terribly depressing this must be to people who believe this to be true!
I take another view however. If you want something strongly enough, you can accomplish it. This is not to say that external circumstances are negligible, but rather that we have much more control than we think we do. We can not control an earthquake, or being laid off, or a loved one passing away. But we can control how we respond to any of these things. Think of Hurrican Katrina or any of the recent natural disasters in the United States. Thanks to television we witnessed stories of people looting New Orleans stores for goods, but we also witnessed extraordinary acts of compassion and selflessness. Both groups of people experienced the natural disaster and both controlled their responses. Mr. Stryker suggests that our ability to accomplish our goals exists in our ability to overcome resistance to the accomplishment of the goals. He shares that our attitude or level of desire from the outset dictates our ability to overcome the resistance.
I know how awful the symptoms feel. I know how the sense of hopelessness permeates much of your existence. I know how confusing and uncomfortable the thoughts and experiences of DP/DR can be and are. I also know that I have devoted the better part of my last five months to ridding myself of these symptoms. My partner, my therapist, my family and my friends have all witnessed a marked improvement not just in my outlook, but in other aspects of my life as well. I have been very clear and committed to my goals and have done almost everything in my power to be happy and live in peace. By remaining committed to healing I have also allowed myself to weather the setbacks and work towards my goals every day. Resistance will come. However, if we have a plan and more importantly a strong desire to live in peace than we can accomplishment. I would recommend reflecting on how committed you are to overcoming your symptoms. What proof do you have of this commitment? What is your plan of attack? Do you need to recommit yourself? How strong is your desire? How have you faced resistance? I remain committed to my belief that these symptoms are manageable and that we can overcome our discomfort and unease. Commitment and desire to achieve are major factors in accomplishing these goals.
Summary of My Recovery Steps
I continue to witness steps towards being fully healed from my DP/DR experience. It is an odd experience through which to go, however it has unearthed many underlying emotions and feelings that I had not previously worked through. Below is a list of tips that I have recently shared with a friend who is experiencing DP/DR. I am sharing them because they have helped me get to a point where I have hope for a brighter future and expectations for happiness. The list of what helped me is as follows:
1. Start seeing a therapist as soon as possible. Having someone to talk through my problems and feelings has really helped. Therapists also help hold you accountable for sticking to your program/plan for recovery
2. I would recommend reaching out to a psychiatrist. Ask about Zoloft. I can't say it will help your DP/DR, but it definitely helped my anxiety lessen significantly and once the anxiety left I could start working on DP/DR. If Zoloft is not what the doctor gives you ask what your options may be.
3. Get a planner and plan out every part of your day. Don't give yourself any time to think about how bad your symptoms are. If you want tips on things to include just ask and I will give you mine. It's important to write it out because it will hold you accountable and will also allow you to see all that you do every day.
4. Force yourself to get out of the house and socialize. Being around other people is very humanizing and will help integrate you into the world that doesn't have these symptoms.
5. Write in a journal every day.
6. Find something non-symptoms related and immerse yourself in it (I have done this with yoga and meditation)
7. Meditate. I can't stress to you enough how much this helps with anxiety, depression, and clarity. Find a class or a teacher because this will help hold you accountable and help you get the most out of it. Meditation has literally changed my life.
8. Find some physical activity to do every day. Walking, running, tennis, yoga, etc.
9. Say or listen to your affirmations every day (I do mine twice per day)
10. Start your day with a prayer and end your day with a prayer. Pray to whatever your higher power may be.
11. Make a list of all of the things you are grateful for. If you can't think of anything tell me and I will help.
12. Find pictures of yourself with loved ones having a good time.
13. YOU CANNOT DO ANY MORE RESEARCH ABOUT YOUR SYMPTOMS. Research only makes it worse. I PROMISE YOU. Any info you get from now on should come from a face to face meeting with a professional.
14. Find an advocate to check in with every day. This can be a family member, friend, fellow person with DP/DR
15. Find someone else to help. Reach out to someone on a self help website and give that person tips or comfort. Make this connection and you will feel better.
16. Establish a routine for each day.
Like I said these helped me and I think can help anyone improve his or her life just in general. These tips are things I should have been doing even before I had DP/DR. These are normal healthy things to do in order to live a happy and fulfilled life (at least in my opinion).
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Journal Entries May 18-21
Saturday May 18, 2013Feeling more integrated today than in a while. The best part is that I'm also able to appreciate the moment while being integrated. Today has been my best day since I started feeling bad. I've been able to appreciate life and remain free of worry. I've been able to have sustained deep thought and conversation. I'm more convinced than ever that the net result of these odd feelings is good or positive. Some of my symptoms remain. I still have a dual sense of self. I'm still not sure what drives my experience or what I am. But I'm proud of where I am and I'm grateful for the chance to discover a life of meaning. It is much easier to give thanks when feeling better but I can only control the here and now. Slowly I am working toward a positive outcome and I am witnessing further success. The human mind is powerful and that power works in both directions. The thing is that in all this thought about what I am and in what existence is comes the fact that I have always been me. These thoughts about what I am come from me. I may not be able to identify my essence but I can identify plenty of other things. I can converse with others. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel good and loved. I may not know what I is but I can write this journal entry. I can deliberately stop and count to five and start writing again. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy cake and watching sports. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy how cute kids and animals are. The power of appreciation is profound. Love does not conquer. Love does not endure. Love infuses itself into every aspect of existence and being. There is no pain or hate, only the inability or unwillingness to recognize the love that is all around us. The most comfort I've felt in months of feeling detached from reality and myself came from thinking of love in this way. I have such little control of what comes into my life, but is that really true? I can devote myself to others. I can recognize not only the love I'm giving but what I'm receiving. I can allow myself to love and find opportunities to be loved. Recognize it. Immerse yourself in it. There are good stories abound we just have to live them and recognize them.
Sunday May 19, 2013I'm really excited about how good I felt today. It's really amazing the variety of experiences the human mind and humans can go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could experience what I did during the last few months. I am so grateful for what I've learned and the position I'm now in to grow even further.
Monday May 20, 2013Today has gone pretty well thus far. I'm feeling much more natural and integrated. I'm comfortable with thinking about my existence, at least more so than in the past. I've learned to allow myself to experience life as a human. Whatever human means. I'm allowing myself to appreciate all of my senses. Today looks to be a positive one. What a journey its been. What a journey it continues to be. Lets try to enjoy it!
I continue to enjoy the day. I'm more reflective and conscious of my thoughts and actions but this is a good thing. I have some fear and discomfort surrounding my existence and realizing who and what I am but it isn't as bothersome. I find myself more at ease and able to enjoy the day.
I have felt pretty good today. I've had many periods of comfort and normalcy. I would like to get to a point where I feel like my mind and body are as one. Or at least to the point where I think of myself as one and to be able to just live and think and react without detrimental thoughts. I commit myself to the experience though. There is something to be learned and gained. I look forward to growing from this and being able to take this experience and help other people.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
Today has been pretty good. Those thoughts about what I am and my autonomy are creeping in on me. I think I'm handling them ok though. This inward look at my emotions and thoughts does force me to have to have both comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful to be productive and the ability to help others. I'm happy to have gotten up and gone to a meeting today. The sunshine is nice and helps my mood. I'm proud of how far I've come and my commitment to move on and go further.
Today continues to go pretty well. There is some mild discomfort around what I am but I'm mostly getting by just fine. It's so nice to be better off than I was. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy life again.
I'm not doing that bad today. I've mostly felt comfortable. At times throughout the day I've felt detached from myself and my environment but it isn't as bothersome. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I need to also remember how many years I lived without these thoughts and perspective. History is on my side. My steady improvement is on my side. I felt just awful a couple months ago and now I get through my days without seeing it as such. I get up early. I go to meetings. I go out in public. I don't get anxious at work. I'm feeling more comfortable when alone. My environment doesn't seem as strange, foreign, or separate. I'm eating healthily and maintaining a routine and schedule. I'm reading and internalizing more information. I'm enjoying be out doors more. I'm not as uncomfortable when walking the dog. I'm finding small joys in my day. I've found better ways or more productive ways to handle discomfort. I'm introspective. I'm still capable and willing to go off for hours on end about things I'm passionate about. I'm now a better partner. I know myself better, or at least think about myself more. I know how little I know about myself now. I'm forming a true and clear identity about which I can be entirely proud. I accept myself. I am getting better at judging myself less harshly. I'm eating more mindfully. I'm trying to do many more things mindfully. I'm thinking about the concept of mindfulness. I get excited and eager about new knowledge. I'm trying to appreciate more of my senses. I'm living life with more equanimity. I'm becoming closer to God. I am more calm. I am thinking about being more kind. I care about easing other's pain. I want to learn as much as possible about spreading love. I want to validate my partner. I'm learning things that make my partner happy and I'm trying to do them. I'm learning things that make my partner unhappy and stopping myself before I do them. I'm excited to start a graduate program at a place I want to be. I'm excited to have some roots. I'm excited that I get to marry someone who loves me. I'm excited and unspeakably grateful to be given such a clean bill of health. I care more about being a better friend and family member. I want to commit as strongly to my family and friends as strongly as I have to improving my relationship with my partner. I'm excited that thinking about existential questions isn't as uncomfortable. Every day, every moment is a blessing. I'm finally starting to get a glimpse as to what this means.
Sunday May 19, 2013I'm really excited about how good I felt today. It's really amazing the variety of experiences the human mind and humans can go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could experience what I did during the last few months. I am so grateful for what I've learned and the position I'm now in to grow even further.
Monday May 20, 2013Today has gone pretty well thus far. I'm feeling much more natural and integrated. I'm comfortable with thinking about my existence, at least more so than in the past. I've learned to allow myself to experience life as a human. Whatever human means. I'm allowing myself to appreciate all of my senses. Today looks to be a positive one. What a journey its been. What a journey it continues to be. Lets try to enjoy it!
I continue to enjoy the day. I'm more reflective and conscious of my thoughts and actions but this is a good thing. I have some fear and discomfort surrounding my existence and realizing who and what I am but it isn't as bothersome. I find myself more at ease and able to enjoy the day.
I have felt pretty good today. I've had many periods of comfort and normalcy. I would like to get to a point where I feel like my mind and body are as one. Or at least to the point where I think of myself as one and to be able to just live and think and react without detrimental thoughts. I commit myself to the experience though. There is something to be learned and gained. I look forward to growing from this and being able to take this experience and help other people.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
Today has been pretty good. Those thoughts about what I am and my autonomy are creeping in on me. I think I'm handling them ok though. This inward look at my emotions and thoughts does force me to have to have both comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful to be productive and the ability to help others. I'm happy to have gotten up and gone to a meeting today. The sunshine is nice and helps my mood. I'm proud of how far I've come and my commitment to move on and go further.
Today continues to go pretty well. There is some mild discomfort around what I am but I'm mostly getting by just fine. It's so nice to be better off than I was. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy life again.
I'm not doing that bad today. I've mostly felt comfortable. At times throughout the day I've felt detached from myself and my environment but it isn't as bothersome. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I need to also remember how many years I lived without these thoughts and perspective. History is on my side. My steady improvement is on my side. I felt just awful a couple months ago and now I get through my days without seeing it as such. I get up early. I go to meetings. I go out in public. I don't get anxious at work. I'm feeling more comfortable when alone. My environment doesn't seem as strange, foreign, or separate. I'm eating healthily and maintaining a routine and schedule. I'm reading and internalizing more information. I'm enjoying be out doors more. I'm not as uncomfortable when walking the dog. I'm finding small joys in my day. I've found better ways or more productive ways to handle discomfort. I'm introspective. I'm still capable and willing to go off for hours on end about things I'm passionate about. I'm now a better partner. I know myself better, or at least think about myself more. I know how little I know about myself now. I'm forming a true and clear identity about which I can be entirely proud. I accept myself. I am getting better at judging myself less harshly. I'm eating more mindfully. I'm trying to do many more things mindfully. I'm thinking about the concept of mindfulness. I get excited and eager about new knowledge. I'm trying to appreciate more of my senses. I'm living life with more equanimity. I'm becoming closer to God. I am more calm. I am thinking about being more kind. I care about easing other's pain. I want to learn as much as possible about spreading love. I want to validate my partner. I'm learning things that make my partner happy and I'm trying to do them. I'm learning things that make my partner unhappy and stopping myself before I do them. I'm excited to start a graduate program at a place I want to be. I'm excited to have some roots. I'm excited that I get to marry someone who loves me. I'm excited and unspeakably grateful to be given such a clean bill of health. I care more about being a better friend and family member. I want to commit as strongly to my family and friends as strongly as I have to improving my relationship with my partner. I'm excited that thinking about existential questions isn't as uncomfortable. Every day, every moment is a blessing. I'm finally starting to get a glimpse as to what this means.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Get Comfortable With Not Knowing
One of the major problems I have encountered since experiencing the symptoms related to DP/DR has been a feeling of detachment to myself and my environment. When I say detachment I usually mean that I have difficulty conceptualizing what exactly it is that I am. I wonder if I am just the matter of which I'm made. When I feel detached from myself I feel disconnected from my memories and the person that I was several months ago. As far the feeling of detachment from my environment I think it can be best characterized by obsessive thoughts about the nature of the matter that is around me. I get very caught up in the visual experience and wonder what makes something something. At times objects and people seem like props in a play. At times I wonder what makes others human. I start to wonder what we should actually concern ourselves as. In addition, I see my existence as nothing more than shuffling from the kitchen to eat, then to the bathroom, and then to work and back.
However, thanks to the work I have done these feelings are significantly less pronounced and I am bothered less by the feelings that I do have. I am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate life more and more each day. I don't obsess over the existential thoughts that filled my life since January 2013.
From this position of relative clarity and feelings of hope, I have come to notice something about myself and the symptoms of DP/DR. Absolutely nothing has changed. All of the laws of the universe remain the same. I can rely on the building I work at to be there tomorrow. My partner will have the same voice, the same smile, and the same gait tomorrow than she did when we met several years ago. As I have said in past posts, the only thing that has changed has been the way I view, think of, and experience reality. Thinking of reality in the way that I did since January has been incredibly painful at times and mostly uncomfortable. I have struggled with ways to manage my symptoms and have lost hope at times. Yet, here I am today. Not only am I here to write this post, but I am writing it from a much better place than I was even a week ago. I am fully convinced that DP/DR is a necessary part of my life journey whether or not I recognize it as such or like it. The important thing to remember is that our discomfort is proof that we exist. Our discomfort proves that we are who we always were. We could not think and feel without being who we were before the onset of the symptoms. We can read and write and think because everything in our past was real and happened to us. Perhaps even more important than this is to accept the fact that we can not know the answer to these existential questions. I often said to my therapist during the past months that in the past I would have said who gives a sh*% about what the nature of my existence is? In the past I would have said to let some scholar think about who am I and what am I. My journey is leading me back toward that mindset however I will have the bonus of having contemplated these questions. The point is that all of this obsession on questions I could not possibly answer took away from my quality of life. Yes, the observable world is fascinating. Yes, the whole thought of existence can be perplexing and at times scary, but we don't have to let it ruin our lives. Think of it this way: if you don't like horror movies you probably won't go see the next Saw movie. Why because you know you won't enjoy it and it will only be unsettling. We can do the same thing with our thoughts. Obsessing over the new way you or I see the world with DP/DR is not enjoyable and definitely does not serve us. And the best thing about our thoughts is that we control them. This is scientifically true. We control our thoughts and as a result our experiences. The problem for most people with or without DP/DR manifests itself in the fact that we spend our whole lives being pessimistic and feeding negative thoughts. We literally make ourselves miserable. I doubt that practiced optimists experience symptoms of DP/DR and if they do the symptoms likely don't bother these people as much.
We cannot understand every little detail of our existence. But we can enjoy it and we can certainly learn from the often unbearable pain and discomfort of DP/DR. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. We have to get comfortable with our fear and vulnerability. Fear feeds this condition and in essence these symptoms are fear. DP/DR is the manifestation of fight or flight mechanisms all of the time. We exacerbate the symptoms by the thought processes that feed fear. The symptoms may stay the same for a while, but we have total control of how we deal with them. We are in the driver's seat. We are in control. And we can heal and live a life of happiness and appreciation of all of these things that we don't understand. I don't know how to make lasagna the way my aunt does, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it. Even if I searched the internet for years I would never be able to find the recipe that was lost in a fire. This is exactly what the case is with DP/DR. Maybe we can't understand how we got to be who we are. Maybe we have no clue what we are. Maybe the world and our environment seems strange and foreign. But just like my aunt's lasagna, all of our not knowing about life does not have to stop us from enjoying it. Get comfortable with not knowing. Try moving towards acceptance and away from resistance because this commitment has certainly helped me.
However, thanks to the work I have done these feelings are significantly less pronounced and I am bothered less by the feelings that I do have. I am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate life more and more each day. I don't obsess over the existential thoughts that filled my life since January 2013.
From this position of relative clarity and feelings of hope, I have come to notice something about myself and the symptoms of DP/DR. Absolutely nothing has changed. All of the laws of the universe remain the same. I can rely on the building I work at to be there tomorrow. My partner will have the same voice, the same smile, and the same gait tomorrow than she did when we met several years ago. As I have said in past posts, the only thing that has changed has been the way I view, think of, and experience reality. Thinking of reality in the way that I did since January has been incredibly painful at times and mostly uncomfortable. I have struggled with ways to manage my symptoms and have lost hope at times. Yet, here I am today. Not only am I here to write this post, but I am writing it from a much better place than I was even a week ago. I am fully convinced that DP/DR is a necessary part of my life journey whether or not I recognize it as such or like it. The important thing to remember is that our discomfort is proof that we exist. Our discomfort proves that we are who we always were. We could not think and feel without being who we were before the onset of the symptoms. We can read and write and think because everything in our past was real and happened to us. Perhaps even more important than this is to accept the fact that we can not know the answer to these existential questions. I often said to my therapist during the past months that in the past I would have said who gives a sh*% about what the nature of my existence is? In the past I would have said to let some scholar think about who am I and what am I. My journey is leading me back toward that mindset however I will have the bonus of having contemplated these questions. The point is that all of this obsession on questions I could not possibly answer took away from my quality of life. Yes, the observable world is fascinating. Yes, the whole thought of existence can be perplexing and at times scary, but we don't have to let it ruin our lives. Think of it this way: if you don't like horror movies you probably won't go see the next Saw movie. Why because you know you won't enjoy it and it will only be unsettling. We can do the same thing with our thoughts. Obsessing over the new way you or I see the world with DP/DR is not enjoyable and definitely does not serve us. And the best thing about our thoughts is that we control them. This is scientifically true. We control our thoughts and as a result our experiences. The problem for most people with or without DP/DR manifests itself in the fact that we spend our whole lives being pessimistic and feeding negative thoughts. We literally make ourselves miserable. I doubt that practiced optimists experience symptoms of DP/DR and if they do the symptoms likely don't bother these people as much.
We cannot understand every little detail of our existence. But we can enjoy it and we can certainly learn from the often unbearable pain and discomfort of DP/DR. We have to get comfortable with not knowing. We have to get comfortable with our fear and vulnerability. Fear feeds this condition and in essence these symptoms are fear. DP/DR is the manifestation of fight or flight mechanisms all of the time. We exacerbate the symptoms by the thought processes that feed fear. The symptoms may stay the same for a while, but we have total control of how we deal with them. We are in the driver's seat. We are in control. And we can heal and live a life of happiness and appreciation of all of these things that we don't understand. I don't know how to make lasagna the way my aunt does, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it. Even if I searched the internet for years I would never be able to find the recipe that was lost in a fire. This is exactly what the case is with DP/DR. Maybe we can't understand how we got to be who we are. Maybe we have no clue what we are. Maybe the world and our environment seems strange and foreign. But just like my aunt's lasagna, all of our not knowing about life does not have to stop us from enjoying it. Get comfortable with not knowing. Try moving towards acceptance and away from resistance because this commitment has certainly helped me.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Journal Entries May 13-17
Monday May 13, 2013
10:34 am
There have been many good things about today this far. I am have to have added another element to my recovery process by going to a meeting. I found that hearing about other people's suffering, particularly after they stopped drinking makes me feel less alone. It's good to know that my symptoms are likely a result of not drinking anymore and having to accept life on life's terms. Going to the meeting also helped me connect with others on a human level because people there are very open and honest about what got them to this point. Hearing the woman talk about spending so much energy trying to please her husband made me feel connected to my partner. It must be a difficult burden trying to please others and focusing so much on the other person that you forget about yourself. This gave me a greater appreciation for my partner and what she has done for me. I also felt for the guy who drank to fit in when he didn't belong anywhere. Part of my journey has been trying to accept myself on my terms and not on someone else's. One of my biggest fears of not drinking was feeling like I wouldn't belong anymore. But belonging isn't the point, living healthily is. And while stopping drinking may have onset a difficult experience for me, I can objectively say the net result has been good. The discomfort sucks but its necessary. Most things in life we earn or bring on ourselves. Even if we were naive or didn't know what we were doing, our crisis begins within. No one made me cope the way I chose to cope, or not cope for that matter. No one is free from suffering. So while I have had to live with my own suffering ultimately no one can escape it at some point in there lives. This is important because the type of suffering is only a name: depersonalization, a broken leg, cancer, losing a loved one, disappointment, failed dreams. The list goes on, but we all experience it at one time or another. What we can control is how we respond. So while this experience has been tough I have controlled my response and have been better off for it. There is something to learn here even if I don't recognize it.
4:35 pm
Today has mostly gone well. I haven't really felt that fearful or anxious. My thoughts are a bit odd at times though but my rational mind tells me that these are maladaptive responses and not a truth or reality. Just like any disease, problem, or disorder that doesn't lead to death I will fully heal and not worry about these things anymore. I suppose my impatience comes more from the not knowing than some timeframe I have in my mind to be fully healed. I mean what is the timeframe? Does it matter? Isn't it more important to focus on all of the positive changes I have made and continue to make? Shouldn't I get excited about the new life I'm leading? About the new knowledge I'm acquiring? About the health I'm enjoying? About the connections I'm forming with my partner? About my desire to help and make the world a better place? About my future? About the opportunity to do something that I want to do with my life? Shouldn't all of that be the focus of my attention? I can think about those things in lieu of the negative unhelpful thoughts that don't serve me. I cannot argue with the fact that I'm here. And even if I don't know what I means or what I am there is something that is going on. I have lived a while thinking about other things for a whole day. One can logically conclude that if you can think negative things all day than you can think less and less every day. I have evidence of this being true.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
7:17 pm
Today has gone pretty well. I'm definitely functioning really well and not getting too caught up in negativity. One thing I would like to improve is being comfortable being human. When I think about the miracle of it all I get overwhelmed just thinking about existence. We take for granted that thoughts happen and that we formulate ideas and have desires and needs. It's the most natural thing in the world that we don't think anything of it. While I know I'm not the first to think of these things is it possible that I am having unique thoughts? Also, how unique it is that we experience so much through our eyes. Why does it make me uncomfortable to think about existence and consciousness? I am incredibly grateful for my improvement today and I really liked the meeting and what I learned from other people. From time to time I've had this sensation of being conscious for the first time and detachment from myself or what I used to believe my self to be. When I say detached I feel like I'm just something and that is all. I'm not in control like I used to think I was. I'm not even sure what I means. If I'm just matter than maybe I'm just matter. How can I go back to feeling completely human again? How can I start to feel and experience again without wondering about my existence. I'm starting to recognize the negative thoughts better and find myself dismissing them instead of hiding from them. I can see them coming better and have found ways to deal with them more productively. I have felt excited at many points today about my future. Perhaps the scariest thing I experience is that I have always been who I am (whatever that means) but I'm not sure I have ever been aware of myself. I don't think I've allowed myself to feel and get to know myself that much in the past. Is that what this is about? Me finally getting to know myself a bit better? What prevented me from looking within? What prevented me from not having a relationship with myself? Perhaps I don't feel connected to myself because I've never known exactly and entirely what I am. Perhaps I have never been able to answer the question of what am I. How can I continue to learn who and what I am?
Wednesday May 15, 2013
1:46 pm
Symptoms wise today has gone pretty well. I haven't focused much of my energy on my symptoms or thinking about existence. I've had periods of time where I've felt totally comfortable. I think it's helps to accept these symptoms as a process of getting to know myself.
Thursday May 16, 2013
1:53 pm
Today has been a pretty good day. I'm starting to blend the new qualities of my efforts in with my old feelings of relative comfort. I've had many periods of the day in which I've gotten lost in the moment ie feeling organic. Definite step in the right direction today.
Friday May 17, 2013
1:57 pm
Today has been a really good day. Part of my problems have been learning how to live in the moment, how to be present without fear of being present. I'm finding myself more able to do this now. I'm so grateful to feel relief. Relative to my discomfort in past months, relief is a blessing. A true blessing.
7:58 pm
Mostly positive reviews for today. Feeling comfortable being me. Starting to realize that I am me. My feelings have changed. Not the world.
10:34 am
There have been many good things about today this far. I am have to have added another element to my recovery process by going to a meeting. I found that hearing about other people's suffering, particularly after they stopped drinking makes me feel less alone. It's good to know that my symptoms are likely a result of not drinking anymore and having to accept life on life's terms. Going to the meeting also helped me connect with others on a human level because people there are very open and honest about what got them to this point. Hearing the woman talk about spending so much energy trying to please her husband made me feel connected to my partner. It must be a difficult burden trying to please others and focusing so much on the other person that you forget about yourself. This gave me a greater appreciation for my partner and what she has done for me. I also felt for the guy who drank to fit in when he didn't belong anywhere. Part of my journey has been trying to accept myself on my terms and not on someone else's. One of my biggest fears of not drinking was feeling like I wouldn't belong anymore. But belonging isn't the point, living healthily is. And while stopping drinking may have onset a difficult experience for me, I can objectively say the net result has been good. The discomfort sucks but its necessary. Most things in life we earn or bring on ourselves. Even if we were naive or didn't know what we were doing, our crisis begins within. No one made me cope the way I chose to cope, or not cope for that matter. No one is free from suffering. So while I have had to live with my own suffering ultimately no one can escape it at some point in there lives. This is important because the type of suffering is only a name: depersonalization, a broken leg, cancer, losing a loved one, disappointment, failed dreams. The list goes on, but we all experience it at one time or another. What we can control is how we respond. So while this experience has been tough I have controlled my response and have been better off for it. There is something to learn here even if I don't recognize it.
4:35 pm
Today has mostly gone well. I haven't really felt that fearful or anxious. My thoughts are a bit odd at times though but my rational mind tells me that these are maladaptive responses and not a truth or reality. Just like any disease, problem, or disorder that doesn't lead to death I will fully heal and not worry about these things anymore. I suppose my impatience comes more from the not knowing than some timeframe I have in my mind to be fully healed. I mean what is the timeframe? Does it matter? Isn't it more important to focus on all of the positive changes I have made and continue to make? Shouldn't I get excited about the new life I'm leading? About the new knowledge I'm acquiring? About the health I'm enjoying? About the connections I'm forming with my partner? About my desire to help and make the world a better place? About my future? About the opportunity to do something that I want to do with my life? Shouldn't all of that be the focus of my attention? I can think about those things in lieu of the negative unhelpful thoughts that don't serve me. I cannot argue with the fact that I'm here. And even if I don't know what I means or what I am there is something that is going on. I have lived a while thinking about other things for a whole day. One can logically conclude that if you can think negative things all day than you can think less and less every day. I have evidence of this being true.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
7:17 pm
Today has gone pretty well. I'm definitely functioning really well and not getting too caught up in negativity. One thing I would like to improve is being comfortable being human. When I think about the miracle of it all I get overwhelmed just thinking about existence. We take for granted that thoughts happen and that we formulate ideas and have desires and needs. It's the most natural thing in the world that we don't think anything of it. While I know I'm not the first to think of these things is it possible that I am having unique thoughts? Also, how unique it is that we experience so much through our eyes. Why does it make me uncomfortable to think about existence and consciousness? I am incredibly grateful for my improvement today and I really liked the meeting and what I learned from other people. From time to time I've had this sensation of being conscious for the first time and detachment from myself or what I used to believe my self to be. When I say detached I feel like I'm just something and that is all. I'm not in control like I used to think I was. I'm not even sure what I means. If I'm just matter than maybe I'm just matter. How can I go back to feeling completely human again? How can I start to feel and experience again without wondering about my existence. I'm starting to recognize the negative thoughts better and find myself dismissing them instead of hiding from them. I can see them coming better and have found ways to deal with them more productively. I have felt excited at many points today about my future. Perhaps the scariest thing I experience is that I have always been who I am (whatever that means) but I'm not sure I have ever been aware of myself. I don't think I've allowed myself to feel and get to know myself that much in the past. Is that what this is about? Me finally getting to know myself a bit better? What prevented me from looking within? What prevented me from not having a relationship with myself? Perhaps I don't feel connected to myself because I've never known exactly and entirely what I am. Perhaps I have never been able to answer the question of what am I. How can I continue to learn who and what I am?
Wednesday May 15, 2013
1:46 pm
Symptoms wise today has gone pretty well. I haven't focused much of my energy on my symptoms or thinking about existence. I've had periods of time where I've felt totally comfortable. I think it's helps to accept these symptoms as a process of getting to know myself.
Thursday May 16, 2013
1:53 pm
Today has been a pretty good day. I'm starting to blend the new qualities of my efforts in with my old feelings of relative comfort. I've had many periods of the day in which I've gotten lost in the moment ie feeling organic. Definite step in the right direction today.
Friday May 17, 2013
1:57 pm
Today has been a really good day. Part of my problems have been learning how to live in the moment, how to be present without fear of being present. I'm finding myself more able to do this now. I'm so grateful to feel relief. Relative to my discomfort in past months, relief is a blessing. A true blessing.
7:58 pm
Mostly positive reviews for today. Feeling comfortable being me. Starting to realize that I am me. My feelings have changed. Not the world.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Reflections on My Sustained Recovery
I am happy to share that today has been an awesome day as far as my symptoms of DP/DR. When I first started this blog, I existed in a considerable amount of pain and discomfort. Although I verbalized a cheery outlook, I still had doubts as to where my path would lead me. I simply could not fathom feeling better or feeling normal again. I obsessed over my symptoms and spent too much time researching what was wrong with me. I am fortunate to have had a great support group and the will to live happily again.
Although this may be particularly difficult for people who experience tremendous discomfort surrounding their symptoms and the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with DP/DR, I firmly believe that my experience with DP/DR needed to happen in my life and appears to have been for my own good. There were many changes that I needed to make before I could start growing into the kind of person I want to be and nothing would have compelled me to change my lifestyle more than DP/DR.
As I begin to feel myself coming even further out of the haze that is DP/DR I am further convinced that this is an entirely treatable and manageable condition. Much of my improvement has resulted from my therapists' treatment of my anxiety. Although I am a highly functional and independent adult who has accomplished quite a bit before the age of 30, I have recently realized that I never learned how to care for myself. Sure, I can pay rent and afford groceries. I shower every day and try to eat healthily. But I have spent almost none of my adult life taking care of myself. I abused alcohol for six years. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in years. I have never had a massage. I have spent years without any outlet for stress or anxiety. I almost never go to the doctor. I have always tried to sleep as little as possible. I am very hard on myself. Even my workout regimen of heavy weight lifting caused injury. These are just a few examples of ways that I have not preserved my mental or physical well-being. This leads me to believe that my DP/DR and anxiety issues were bound to happen. In fact something would have been wrong with me if I didn't reach this breaking point. Because of the fact that I have succeeded in spite of myself, there was never an impetus for me to change. Why stop drinking if I go to work every day? Why exercise if I never get sick? Why spend time relaxing if I seem happy? Why go to the dentist if I don't have a toothache? All of these things seem obvious on paper, but I never prioritized them. Therefore, my treatment plan for anxiety has helped remove a huge burden in my life and allowed me the room to focus on DP/DR. I can't say if everyone who has DP/DR also experiences anxiety, but I think that anything that lessens anxiety in your life must help on some level.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery has been getting over this mental hump of reality and my place in it. For months I obsessed over what I am and if I'm autonomous. I have felt detached from my environment and curious about my existence. I have constantly wondered about what drives my thoughts and what is the nature of existence. I still consider these things. However, I obsess over them less and I try to focus on other things. A major breakthrough in my recovery came when I began to dismiss my negative thoughts. I might think, "what am I?" and respond "what does it really matter and how is this serving me?" I have committed to not caring anymore about these existential questions. I say to myself that these questions only hurt me and I don't want to live in pain anymore. I still have some difficulty with appreciating the moment and enjoying my environment, but I'm getting better. I don't think I'm back to normal yet, but I do think that my path to "normalcy" will ultimately lead me to happiness. Happiness was not a priority for me before DP/DR. I was content with complacency and being spiritually static. One of the positive aspects of rumination and obsession is that it gives you a great opportunity to look within and to analyze what isn't working. My life and my experience with reality wasn't working for me. Now that I've realized this I have a chance to build myself up to be better than ever, better than new as my best friend would say.
I implore anyone who is in pain, or anyone who is uncomfortable, to be proactive and have hope. Help other people as well. It gives you purpose. Remember everyone suffers, even people who don't have DP/DR. Help alleviate other peoples' suffering as well as your own. Stay strong. Your life is important and you can experience relief and happiness.
Although this may be particularly difficult for people who experience tremendous discomfort surrounding their symptoms and the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with DP/DR, I firmly believe that my experience with DP/DR needed to happen in my life and appears to have been for my own good. There were many changes that I needed to make before I could start growing into the kind of person I want to be and nothing would have compelled me to change my lifestyle more than DP/DR.
As I begin to feel myself coming even further out of the haze that is DP/DR I am further convinced that this is an entirely treatable and manageable condition. Much of my improvement has resulted from my therapists' treatment of my anxiety. Although I am a highly functional and independent adult who has accomplished quite a bit before the age of 30, I have recently realized that I never learned how to care for myself. Sure, I can pay rent and afford groceries. I shower every day and try to eat healthily. But I have spent almost none of my adult life taking care of myself. I abused alcohol for six years. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in years. I have never had a massage. I have spent years without any outlet for stress or anxiety. I almost never go to the doctor. I have always tried to sleep as little as possible. I am very hard on myself. Even my workout regimen of heavy weight lifting caused injury. These are just a few examples of ways that I have not preserved my mental or physical well-being. This leads me to believe that my DP/DR and anxiety issues were bound to happen. In fact something would have been wrong with me if I didn't reach this breaking point. Because of the fact that I have succeeded in spite of myself, there was never an impetus for me to change. Why stop drinking if I go to work every day? Why exercise if I never get sick? Why spend time relaxing if I seem happy? Why go to the dentist if I don't have a toothache? All of these things seem obvious on paper, but I never prioritized them. Therefore, my treatment plan for anxiety has helped remove a huge burden in my life and allowed me the room to focus on DP/DR. I can't say if everyone who has DP/DR also experiences anxiety, but I think that anything that lessens anxiety in your life must help on some level.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery has been getting over this mental hump of reality and my place in it. For months I obsessed over what I am and if I'm autonomous. I have felt detached from my environment and curious about my existence. I have constantly wondered about what drives my thoughts and what is the nature of existence. I still consider these things. However, I obsess over them less and I try to focus on other things. A major breakthrough in my recovery came when I began to dismiss my negative thoughts. I might think, "what am I?" and respond "what does it really matter and how is this serving me?" I have committed to not caring anymore about these existential questions. I say to myself that these questions only hurt me and I don't want to live in pain anymore. I still have some difficulty with appreciating the moment and enjoying my environment, but I'm getting better. I don't think I'm back to normal yet, but I do think that my path to "normalcy" will ultimately lead me to happiness. Happiness was not a priority for me before DP/DR. I was content with complacency and being spiritually static. One of the positive aspects of rumination and obsession is that it gives you a great opportunity to look within and to analyze what isn't working. My life and my experience with reality wasn't working for me. Now that I've realized this I have a chance to build myself up to be better than ever, better than new as my best friend would say.
I implore anyone who is in pain, or anyone who is uncomfortable, to be proactive and have hope. Help other people as well. It gives you purpose. Remember everyone suffers, even people who don't have DP/DR. Help alleviate other peoples' suffering as well as your own. Stay strong. Your life is important and you can experience relief and happiness.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Journal Entries May 8-May 12
Wednesday May 8, 2013
Symptoms wise today has actually been ok. I think the ceremony at the river for my mom was really special and meaningful. I appreciated hearing those words from my partner and I enjoyed the opportunity to share those feelings and connect with her in that way. I haven't spent really anytime ruminating or thinking about existence. I've felt a bit odd at times but overall today has been manageable and productive. I don't feel as bad about my history with the symptoms. I'm going to be ok! I'm going to be better than ok, I'm going to be happy!
Thursday May 9, 2013
Feeling pretty good today. I have not felt anxious and I have been able to accomplish many of my tasks without thinking about my existence. I have still thought about it some though. I wonder how I can stop thinking about my existence and just be all the time. I'm encouraged by my progress though and will remain committed to the process and have faith that this is an opportunity to learn about myself and how to help in the world.
Felt pretty good for most of the day. I'm still having a persistent fear or amazement about what I am. What is the essence of me? Body? Mind? Something else? Why don't many other people worry about this? How do others successfully conceive of themselves? What will my comfort look like? Peace is on the horizon. I have much to be grateful for. I have been much more adept at enjoying my time and my days. I've done quite a bit to improve my life and my existence. One thing I want to address or improve is the feeling I get from time to time that I'm alive or conscious or aware for the first time. It's kind of like whoa I'm here. What is all this? I have lived a whole life without considering these things so it is not unreasonable to think I can again. I know this is true because I have had destructive and obsessive thoughts my whole life that I haven't effectively managed or addressed. I am at a great advantage these days as I now have the tools to succeed.
Friday May 10, 2013
Today has gone well. Little anxiety. Very little ruminations about what I am. I had a peaceful and effective yoga and meditation practice. Overall I've been productive and I think productivity definitely eases my discomfort.
Today has been mostly manageable. At times I feel a disconnect or the what am I feeling but mostly I'm feeling ok. There is still a duality I feel of being lost in thought then being in the outer world or the world outside of myself and my mind. I'd like them both to flow and exist as one.
Saturday May 11, 20139:58 pm
Today was actually a really good day. No anxiety to speak of. I didn't spend much time thinking about my existence and when I was at the talk the speaker's thoughts on reality and humanity didn't bother me. I get a bit confused by what I am but mostly I'm comfortable today. That meditation during the talk was very powerful.
Sunday May 12, 20137:40 am
Woke up thinking about the nature of my existence. I'm wondering if I am an entity unto myself or if I am just a part of nature, just more matter in the universe. Usually it seems that getting in to the day distracts me from these thoughts and more importantly the impact they have on me. Today will be another day of improvement!
I had some ups and downs today anxiety wise and comfort wise. It was really nice to talk with my brother and see how good he is doing. Its quite inspiring to see how much his experience is helping him grow and how much good he is doing. It was a terrific opportunity to see him. At times during church today I felt very inspired and full of love and life. Although there may have been some disconnect I felt good. The service ran a bit long though and I started to feel anxious and antsy. I felt a bit better after meditation. I felt a bit better at lunch but still a bit uneasy. I didn't really feel relaxed today until yoga and my second meditation. Time really seems to be going faster than normal and I feel a disconnect from myself in the past. The past seems like it is comprised of separate entities that didn't happen to me. I still what it means to be me. I realize that these thoughts reflect an ability to think and experience and grow, but something is making me uncomfortable with my being. What is my road block? Is there an ETA? There are many benefits to going through this experience, and I look forward to what I can continue to learn and benefit from all of this. I am grateful for my mental and physical health.
Symptoms wise today has actually been ok. I think the ceremony at the river for my mom was really special and meaningful. I appreciated hearing those words from my partner and I enjoyed the opportunity to share those feelings and connect with her in that way. I haven't spent really anytime ruminating or thinking about existence. I've felt a bit odd at times but overall today has been manageable and productive. I don't feel as bad about my history with the symptoms. I'm going to be ok! I'm going to be better than ok, I'm going to be happy!
Thursday May 9, 2013
Feeling pretty good today. I have not felt anxious and I have been able to accomplish many of my tasks without thinking about my existence. I have still thought about it some though. I wonder how I can stop thinking about my existence and just be all the time. I'm encouraged by my progress though and will remain committed to the process and have faith that this is an opportunity to learn about myself and how to help in the world.
Felt pretty good for most of the day. I'm still having a persistent fear or amazement about what I am. What is the essence of me? Body? Mind? Something else? Why don't many other people worry about this? How do others successfully conceive of themselves? What will my comfort look like? Peace is on the horizon. I have much to be grateful for. I have been much more adept at enjoying my time and my days. I've done quite a bit to improve my life and my existence. One thing I want to address or improve is the feeling I get from time to time that I'm alive or conscious or aware for the first time. It's kind of like whoa I'm here. What is all this? I have lived a whole life without considering these things so it is not unreasonable to think I can again. I know this is true because I have had destructive and obsessive thoughts my whole life that I haven't effectively managed or addressed. I am at a great advantage these days as I now have the tools to succeed.
Friday May 10, 2013
Today has gone well. Little anxiety. Very little ruminations about what I am. I had a peaceful and effective yoga and meditation practice. Overall I've been productive and I think productivity definitely eases my discomfort.
Today has been mostly manageable. At times I feel a disconnect or the what am I feeling but mostly I'm feeling ok. There is still a duality I feel of being lost in thought then being in the outer world or the world outside of myself and my mind. I'd like them both to flow and exist as one.
Saturday May 11, 20139:58 pm
Today was actually a really good day. No anxiety to speak of. I didn't spend much time thinking about my existence and when I was at the talk the speaker's thoughts on reality and humanity didn't bother me. I get a bit confused by what I am but mostly I'm comfortable today. That meditation during the talk was very powerful.
Sunday May 12, 20137:40 am
Woke up thinking about the nature of my existence. I'm wondering if I am an entity unto myself or if I am just a part of nature, just more matter in the universe. Usually it seems that getting in to the day distracts me from these thoughts and more importantly the impact they have on me. Today will be another day of improvement!
I had some ups and downs today anxiety wise and comfort wise. It was really nice to talk with my brother and see how good he is doing. Its quite inspiring to see how much his experience is helping him grow and how much good he is doing. It was a terrific opportunity to see him. At times during church today I felt very inspired and full of love and life. Although there may have been some disconnect I felt good. The service ran a bit long though and I started to feel anxious and antsy. I felt a bit better after meditation. I felt a bit better at lunch but still a bit uneasy. I didn't really feel relaxed today until yoga and my second meditation. Time really seems to be going faster than normal and I feel a disconnect from myself in the past. The past seems like it is comprised of separate entities that didn't happen to me. I still what it means to be me. I realize that these thoughts reflect an ability to think and experience and grow, but something is making me uncomfortable with my being. What is my road block? Is there an ETA? There are many benefits to going through this experience, and I look forward to what I can continue to learn and benefit from all of this. I am grateful for my mental and physical health.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Looking at the Positive Aspects of Your Symptoms
Taking a moment to reflect on the past four months of my life as they pertain to the symptoms it occurred to me that there are many benefits to not only accepting my symptoms (as opposed to resisting them), but to embrace and celebrate them. The feelings of detachment from myself and my environment have at times been unbearable, but I'm proud to have made it through another day and more importantly I'm proud of the results of all of my effort.
I developed my DP/DR symptoms after many years of repressing my feelings, ignoring my anxiety, and coping with life's challenges in unhealthy and unhelpful ways. Everything that I have read regarding the physiological components of DP/DR and my psychiatrist's opinion suggests to me that DP/DR are manners in which the brain protects itself. It is a perfectly natural thing to happen and does not suggest that someone is losing his or her grip on reality. In fact it shows that the brain is working. We may not like this function or we may not know what caused our bodies to react this way, but the symptoms exist and that we can not argue with.
As a result of now knowing that I am not "going crazy" and I will heal even more and recover fully, I can now comfortably say that I needed DP/DR in my life. There would not have been very many other things that could have happened to me that would have compelled me to make the changes in my life that I have over the past four months. Not anxiety. Not depression. Not the loss of a loved one. No, my experience with DP/DR has been the driving force behind the changes in my life. The feelings have been anywhere from uncomfortable to unbearable, but they got me moving in the right direction. While I continue to struggle with my feelings about the symptoms at times, I can recognize the role they are playing in my life and ultimately will help shape who I will become. My therapist said that I will witness much more rapid recovery when I can not only accept my symptoms, but actually embrace them and celebrate their role in my life. Acceptance is one thing, but celebrating them shows a deep level of recovery and an opportunity for me to become a better person.
I have documented my recovery for many reasons, one of them being that I wanted to have evidence for other people to read and acknowledge that shows we can overcome these feelings and symptoms. Just look at my journal entries over the past six weeks and you will see that recovery is possible and that DP/DR does not have to be a miserable experience and it doesn't have to last forever. The symptoms and feelings of DP/DR have compelled me to involve myself in many things that will help me have a successful life both physically and mentally. Since developing the symptoms at the end of December I now: meditate and practice physical yoga daily, I write in my journal every day, I go out of my way to help other people, I have become a more thoughtful and compassionate partner, I go out of my way to socialize, I have stopped drinking, I am kinder to the people in my life, I have more routine and efficiency in my day, I clean up more around and outside of the house, I am more introspective and in touch with my feelings, I have found better ways to channel and stop my anger, I have incorporated relaxation strategies into my day, and I have rediscovered my love for learning. None of the above stated actions would have occurred without the extreme discomfort I felt as a result of DP/DR.
Remember the symptoms of DP/DR do not last forever and they do not have to be a part of any of our lives if we maintain a commitment to the process of healing. If nothing else I am proud to say that I have made many positive changes that will allow me to function in society better and to be a better partner and friend. Embracing our symptoms is not easy, and I don't know if I am there yet. But I will say that the less I have resisted the feelings the easier my days have become. So I think it's logical to conclude that if I go one step further and embrace them than I will feel even better. I am more convinced now than ever that love conquers all and that the natural arc of our lives bends towards happiness. However, happiness is not a birthright, but rather something for which we all need to work. Stay positive. Keep faith. Remain patient. Celebrate your recovery process.
I developed my DP/DR symptoms after many years of repressing my feelings, ignoring my anxiety, and coping with life's challenges in unhealthy and unhelpful ways. Everything that I have read regarding the physiological components of DP/DR and my psychiatrist's opinion suggests to me that DP/DR are manners in which the brain protects itself. It is a perfectly natural thing to happen and does not suggest that someone is losing his or her grip on reality. In fact it shows that the brain is working. We may not like this function or we may not know what caused our bodies to react this way, but the symptoms exist and that we can not argue with.
As a result of now knowing that I am not "going crazy" and I will heal even more and recover fully, I can now comfortably say that I needed DP/DR in my life. There would not have been very many other things that could have happened to me that would have compelled me to make the changes in my life that I have over the past four months. Not anxiety. Not depression. Not the loss of a loved one. No, my experience with DP/DR has been the driving force behind the changes in my life. The feelings have been anywhere from uncomfortable to unbearable, but they got me moving in the right direction. While I continue to struggle with my feelings about the symptoms at times, I can recognize the role they are playing in my life and ultimately will help shape who I will become. My therapist said that I will witness much more rapid recovery when I can not only accept my symptoms, but actually embrace them and celebrate their role in my life. Acceptance is one thing, but celebrating them shows a deep level of recovery and an opportunity for me to become a better person.
I have documented my recovery for many reasons, one of them being that I wanted to have evidence for other people to read and acknowledge that shows we can overcome these feelings and symptoms. Just look at my journal entries over the past six weeks and you will see that recovery is possible and that DP/DR does not have to be a miserable experience and it doesn't have to last forever. The symptoms and feelings of DP/DR have compelled me to involve myself in many things that will help me have a successful life both physically and mentally. Since developing the symptoms at the end of December I now: meditate and practice physical yoga daily, I write in my journal every day, I go out of my way to help other people, I have become a more thoughtful and compassionate partner, I go out of my way to socialize, I have stopped drinking, I am kinder to the people in my life, I have more routine and efficiency in my day, I clean up more around and outside of the house, I am more introspective and in touch with my feelings, I have found better ways to channel and stop my anger, I have incorporated relaxation strategies into my day, and I have rediscovered my love for learning. None of the above stated actions would have occurred without the extreme discomfort I felt as a result of DP/DR.
Remember the symptoms of DP/DR do not last forever and they do not have to be a part of any of our lives if we maintain a commitment to the process of healing. If nothing else I am proud to say that I have made many positive changes that will allow me to function in society better and to be a better partner and friend. Embracing our symptoms is not easy, and I don't know if I am there yet. But I will say that the less I have resisted the feelings the easier my days have become. So I think it's logical to conclude that if I go one step further and embrace them than I will feel even better. I am more convinced now than ever that love conquers all and that the natural arc of our lives bends towards happiness. However, happiness is not a birthright, but rather something for which we all need to work. Stay positive. Keep faith. Remain patient. Celebrate your recovery process.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
List of Helpful Tips
Hello,
I am happy to say that for the past few days many of my symptoms of DP/DR have been less noticeable or less bothersome than they have been since I started experiencing them. I truly believe that my effort and the strategies that I have employed truly have worked for me and that many if not all of them will be helpful for other people. Below is a list of what I have done to get to this point. Just a quick recap of my symptoms at their worst: I felt as if I was not real, I have felt and continue to feel detached from my environment at times, I have and continue to ruminate about the nature of my existence and ask myself questions like "what am I? etc.," I have felt like I was in a dreamlike state, I have felt like my actions were automated, other people have seemed and continue at times to feel strange or unusual, I have been fearful of going outside, I get afraid/uncomfortable around dusk, I have had and continue at times to have the feeling of being in a play or a movie, I have felt foggy and as if there is a veil over my experience, I have formerly felt hopeless and unable to enjoy anything about my life, in addition I have felt very anxious and moderately depressed. As I said many of these symptoms are much better, some are non existent anymore, and a few I continue to work toward eradicating. Here is my list of what has helped me improve and what I think will help others:
1. STOP RESEARCHING what you have, what your symptoms are, and if you are going crazy. If you have the presence of mind to research and think deeply about what you are going through you are not going crazy. Also, "crazy" is not a term that I know to be used in the field of psychology, so I would encourage you to stop thinking of it this way as there is no such thing as "crazy." You can't be diagnosed "crazy." As far as the researching goes, it DOES NOT HELP AT ALL. In fact researching makes your symptoms worse as a major component of DP/DR is obsessive thoughts. The moment I stopped researching what I have is the moment I can point to my experiencing some relief. There is nothing the internet can tell you that will give you a formal diagnosis. Think of it this way, even the most experienced mental health clinician would not even dare to diagnose you over the internet. So what makes you or me capable or qualified to diagnose ourselves in the same way? I promise you that researching made me feel way worse and when I stopped I felt better in many ways.
2. Seek out all the help you can get. Think of your recovery as a "it takes a village to raise a child approach." If you had cancer, or were in a car accident in which you lost function of a leg, or if you were trying to build a house in your community you would not do it alone. The symptoms of DP/DR are confusing and isolating enough as it is without you and I choosing to isolate ourselves by not seeking out help. I have assembled a team that consists of my therapist, my psychiatrist, my yoga teacher, my girlfriend, other friends, and most importantly myself. If you are not on board with your recovery program how can you expect to heal? Although we can not all afford to get the help of professionals it is imperative to seek the help of others. Remember that your symptoms are merely symptoms. The world is not different, but rather our perceptions of the world and ourselves have changed. I implore you to set aside your fears and embarrassment about your symptoms and seek out help from other people. I have recovered slowly with the help of others and so can you.
3. Take every opportunity you can to help others. Remember that each individual's suffering is not unique and that your pain, or my pain, is not any more important than anyone else's pain. We are all together in this and if you can find a way to help others I know you will feel better. I was fortunate enough to be contacted by someone who is experiencing symptoms similar to mine and it has really helped me to help this person by giving him advice about the strategies I have used. Helping this person has also given me a sense of purpose and a perspective to look outward rather than just focusing on how bad I have it. If we concentrate more on helping others we will naturally focus less on our suffering. This has truly helped my recovery. Look for any opportunity you can to spread love, joy, peace, and compassion.
4. Have patience. The symptoms we are all experiencing are happening for a reason. We cannot change the onset of our symptoms. They exist and the will end eventually. Nothing lasts forever in this world and our symptoms will eventually cease to exist. However, I have found that when I stopped "pressing" for them to end I started to feel better. I have committed myself to a path of acceptance rather than resistance. I have chosen to stop wanting to get better right away and have started to accept that these symptoms are essential for my becoming who I will become.
5. Meditation has significantly reduced my anxiety and has offered a respite from my obsessive thoughts. It does take some practice and I would suggest consulting a person experienced in meditation before beginning, but meditation has changed my life and offered me more peace.
6. Consulting with a psychiatrist. I have been taking Zoloft for 6 weeks now and have been at a 150 mg dosage for two weeks. After 3 or 4 weeks my anxiety was essentially non existent and this subsequently reduced my obsessive thoughts and discomfort with my existence. I can not promise this will work for everyone, but I am grateful for the help of my psychiatrist. I will end by saying that my psychiatrist promised me that I would feel better and recover after the first meeting. He said that DP/DR is well known in the medical community and very treatable.
7. Spirituality. I will only say that since I started meditating and practicing yoga I have felt more connected to God and to my higher self. This commitment has given me purpose and comfort.
8. Routine. In order to hold myself accountable for doing more than just laying in bed or sitting on the coach all of the time I made a schedule for every moment of the day or at least most of them. On this schedule I would be doing things that required my attention and most importantly distracting me from my symptoms. My routine usually looks like the following: Wake up, pray, take my medicine, let the dog out, eat breakfast, take the dog for a walk or to the dog park, yoga and meditate, shower and apply triphala oil to feet and ears, journal and read, take care of chores or errands, go to work, come home and meditate, make dinner, journal, read, connect with another person through email/phone call/face to face, make my schedule for the next day, turn off all distractions, wash feet and face and apply triphala oil, read or meditate, go to sleep.
9. Spending time with other people. No matter how uncomfortable it felt at times I found that going out with friends and being in public would help and has helped my recovery. The symptoms are isolating enough as it is without deliberately staying away from other people.
10. Affirmations. I made a list of things I wanted then I rewrote them as if they are already true. For example I wrote "I want to feel more connected to my environment" then I changed it to "I appreciate how connected I am to my environment." I have about 20 affirmations that I recorded using my phone and I listen to them every day.
11. Find anything I can to relax me. I have found that classical music, reading, taking the dog to the dog park, rubbing lavender and triphala oil on my skin, yoga, meditation, drinking coffee, learning have all helped me relax. I encourage you to find any way possible to relax as this has really helped me.
This list isn't exhaustive, but these have all truly aided in my recovery. I am much more able to enjoy life these days and I am grateful for the symptoms because they have helped me get started on some positive changes in my life. Good luck and please reach out if you have any questions or tips!
Chuck
I am happy to say that for the past few days many of my symptoms of DP/DR have been less noticeable or less bothersome than they have been since I started experiencing them. I truly believe that my effort and the strategies that I have employed truly have worked for me and that many if not all of them will be helpful for other people. Below is a list of what I have done to get to this point. Just a quick recap of my symptoms at their worst: I felt as if I was not real, I have felt and continue to feel detached from my environment at times, I have and continue to ruminate about the nature of my existence and ask myself questions like "what am I? etc.," I have felt like I was in a dreamlike state, I have felt like my actions were automated, other people have seemed and continue at times to feel strange or unusual, I have been fearful of going outside, I get afraid/uncomfortable around dusk, I have had and continue at times to have the feeling of being in a play or a movie, I have felt foggy and as if there is a veil over my experience, I have formerly felt hopeless and unable to enjoy anything about my life, in addition I have felt very anxious and moderately depressed. As I said many of these symptoms are much better, some are non existent anymore, and a few I continue to work toward eradicating. Here is my list of what has helped me improve and what I think will help others:
1. STOP RESEARCHING what you have, what your symptoms are, and if you are going crazy. If you have the presence of mind to research and think deeply about what you are going through you are not going crazy. Also, "crazy" is not a term that I know to be used in the field of psychology, so I would encourage you to stop thinking of it this way as there is no such thing as "crazy." You can't be diagnosed "crazy." As far as the researching goes, it DOES NOT HELP AT ALL. In fact researching makes your symptoms worse as a major component of DP/DR is obsessive thoughts. The moment I stopped researching what I have is the moment I can point to my experiencing some relief. There is nothing the internet can tell you that will give you a formal diagnosis. Think of it this way, even the most experienced mental health clinician would not even dare to diagnose you over the internet. So what makes you or me capable or qualified to diagnose ourselves in the same way? I promise you that researching made me feel way worse and when I stopped I felt better in many ways.
2. Seek out all the help you can get. Think of your recovery as a "it takes a village to raise a child approach." If you had cancer, or were in a car accident in which you lost function of a leg, or if you were trying to build a house in your community you would not do it alone. The symptoms of DP/DR are confusing and isolating enough as it is without you and I choosing to isolate ourselves by not seeking out help. I have assembled a team that consists of my therapist, my psychiatrist, my yoga teacher, my girlfriend, other friends, and most importantly myself. If you are not on board with your recovery program how can you expect to heal? Although we can not all afford to get the help of professionals it is imperative to seek the help of others. Remember that your symptoms are merely symptoms. The world is not different, but rather our perceptions of the world and ourselves have changed. I implore you to set aside your fears and embarrassment about your symptoms and seek out help from other people. I have recovered slowly with the help of others and so can you.
3. Take every opportunity you can to help others. Remember that each individual's suffering is not unique and that your pain, or my pain, is not any more important than anyone else's pain. We are all together in this and if you can find a way to help others I know you will feel better. I was fortunate enough to be contacted by someone who is experiencing symptoms similar to mine and it has really helped me to help this person by giving him advice about the strategies I have used. Helping this person has also given me a sense of purpose and a perspective to look outward rather than just focusing on how bad I have it. If we concentrate more on helping others we will naturally focus less on our suffering. This has truly helped my recovery. Look for any opportunity you can to spread love, joy, peace, and compassion.
4. Have patience. The symptoms we are all experiencing are happening for a reason. We cannot change the onset of our symptoms. They exist and the will end eventually. Nothing lasts forever in this world and our symptoms will eventually cease to exist. However, I have found that when I stopped "pressing" for them to end I started to feel better. I have committed myself to a path of acceptance rather than resistance. I have chosen to stop wanting to get better right away and have started to accept that these symptoms are essential for my becoming who I will become.
5. Meditation has significantly reduced my anxiety and has offered a respite from my obsessive thoughts. It does take some practice and I would suggest consulting a person experienced in meditation before beginning, but meditation has changed my life and offered me more peace.
6. Consulting with a psychiatrist. I have been taking Zoloft for 6 weeks now and have been at a 150 mg dosage for two weeks. After 3 or 4 weeks my anxiety was essentially non existent and this subsequently reduced my obsessive thoughts and discomfort with my existence. I can not promise this will work for everyone, but I am grateful for the help of my psychiatrist. I will end by saying that my psychiatrist promised me that I would feel better and recover after the first meeting. He said that DP/DR is well known in the medical community and very treatable.
7. Spirituality. I will only say that since I started meditating and practicing yoga I have felt more connected to God and to my higher self. This commitment has given me purpose and comfort.
8. Routine. In order to hold myself accountable for doing more than just laying in bed or sitting on the coach all of the time I made a schedule for every moment of the day or at least most of them. On this schedule I would be doing things that required my attention and most importantly distracting me from my symptoms. My routine usually looks like the following: Wake up, pray, take my medicine, let the dog out, eat breakfast, take the dog for a walk or to the dog park, yoga and meditate, shower and apply triphala oil to feet and ears, journal and read, take care of chores or errands, go to work, come home and meditate, make dinner, journal, read, connect with another person through email/phone call/face to face, make my schedule for the next day, turn off all distractions, wash feet and face and apply triphala oil, read or meditate, go to sleep.
9. Spending time with other people. No matter how uncomfortable it felt at times I found that going out with friends and being in public would help and has helped my recovery. The symptoms are isolating enough as it is without deliberately staying away from other people.
10. Affirmations. I made a list of things I wanted then I rewrote them as if they are already true. For example I wrote "I want to feel more connected to my environment" then I changed it to "I appreciate how connected I am to my environment." I have about 20 affirmations that I recorded using my phone and I listen to them every day.
11. Find anything I can to relax me. I have found that classical music, reading, taking the dog to the dog park, rubbing lavender and triphala oil on my skin, yoga, meditation, drinking coffee, learning have all helped me relax. I encourage you to find any way possible to relax as this has really helped me.
This list isn't exhaustive, but these have all truly aided in my recovery. I am much more able to enjoy life these days and I am grateful for the symptoms because they have helped me get started on some positive changes in my life. Good luck and please reach out if you have any questions or tips!
Chuck
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Journal Entries May 3-May 7
Friday May 3, 2013
Been a pretty good day so far. Anxiety has been non existent. Been feeling a bit detached from my environment and myself. Feeling the mind and body disconnect. But I'm committed to moving toward a path of acceptance.
Saturday May 4, 2013Today has felt unusual thus far at least by my former standards of normality. I just can't wrap my mind around the nature of my mind. We have all of these silent thoughts nearly every moment of the day. It's kind of like one's private world. Why does this bother me so? Why does this make me uncomfortable? I suppose the discomfort comes from not knowing what controls my actions and feelings. I'm uncomfortable not knowing what drives my thoughts. I really want to get comfortable with myself. I feel a disconnect from my past experiences. Almost like they happened to someone else and I am an observer. At the same time I'm not sure what it even means to be an observer in this case. It is exhausting to have a mind activated by these thoughts as frequently as mine is. How can I come to regard my mind and body as one? How can I explain this to myself rationally? I even feel detached from my breathe. There isn't anything comforting or refreshing about deep breathing. Where does peace come from in general? Where does it come from in people who experience these thoughts that I am having? It's interesting that nothing is different but in someways nothing is the same.
Hmmmmm. There's something going on inside of me that's causing me discomfort. I feel a little more jacked up, sort of an adrenaline feeling. I'm a little confused by my existence. Basically, if I am a product of nature than are my thoughts and feelings any more than a part of nature the way a flower blooming is? I am uncomfortable with this because it makes me feel less like me and more like a part of something bigger. How can I feel autonomous?
Sunday May 5, 2013Emotionally today was ok. I had some good points and some points where I didn't feel great. I think it's important to remember that patience will continue to be my best friend and that living organically is the best way to live organically. The less I think about my day to day actions the better. I get a bit uncomfortable around the topic of consciousness and mass and time. I wonder where my thoughts and feelings come from and worry that maybe they are not authentic but rather insignificant waves of energy in the scope of things. This thought process can be helpful to people who take themselves too seriously but is harmful when you ruminate about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I feel disconnected from my memories and past experiences. They don't seem to be a part of me as they once did. Worrying about this doesn't serve me. Things that don't serve me: researching about my symptoms, thinking about them, worrying about them, not embracing my symptoms, going on websites, in some ways my efforts don't serve me in that they are a reminder of why I started doing these things, referring to my symptoms, thinking that I have symptoms, taking my focus away from my senses in the truest meaning, lack of comfort with being alone.
Monday May 6, 2013Fact: I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Though my confusion or curiosity about my existence remains it has resided in the back of my mind today. I have accomplished errands today and have a generally positive disposition. It's important to remember that healing takes time and that life takes time. I really like the direction the Ricard book called Happiness is taking me. Perhaps one of the ways to feel more comfortable is to be more proactive about being happy. A treat the cause rather than treat the symptoms approach. I like the arc of today and where it will take me for upcoming moments and days.
Feeling a bit odd for the past couple hours. It's a bit more pronounced now. I'm feeling like "wow I'm actually here." As a result I feel fearful of what I am. What is the essence of my existence?
Tuesday May 7, 2013
11:13am
Feeling pretty good today. I have found myself in a relative state of comfort and productivity. Lets keep it up!
Been a pretty good day so far. Anxiety has been non existent. Been feeling a bit detached from my environment and myself. Feeling the mind and body disconnect. But I'm committed to moving toward a path of acceptance.
Saturday May 4, 2013Today has felt unusual thus far at least by my former standards of normality. I just can't wrap my mind around the nature of my mind. We have all of these silent thoughts nearly every moment of the day. It's kind of like one's private world. Why does this bother me so? Why does this make me uncomfortable? I suppose the discomfort comes from not knowing what controls my actions and feelings. I'm uncomfortable not knowing what drives my thoughts. I really want to get comfortable with myself. I feel a disconnect from my past experiences. Almost like they happened to someone else and I am an observer. At the same time I'm not sure what it even means to be an observer in this case. It is exhausting to have a mind activated by these thoughts as frequently as mine is. How can I come to regard my mind and body as one? How can I explain this to myself rationally? I even feel detached from my breathe. There isn't anything comforting or refreshing about deep breathing. Where does peace come from in general? Where does it come from in people who experience these thoughts that I am having? It's interesting that nothing is different but in someways nothing is the same.
Hmmmmm. There's something going on inside of me that's causing me discomfort. I feel a little more jacked up, sort of an adrenaline feeling. I'm a little confused by my existence. Basically, if I am a product of nature than are my thoughts and feelings any more than a part of nature the way a flower blooming is? I am uncomfortable with this because it makes me feel less like me and more like a part of something bigger. How can I feel autonomous?
Sunday May 5, 2013Emotionally today was ok. I had some good points and some points where I didn't feel great. I think it's important to remember that patience will continue to be my best friend and that living organically is the best way to live organically. The less I think about my day to day actions the better. I get a bit uncomfortable around the topic of consciousness and mass and time. I wonder where my thoughts and feelings come from and worry that maybe they are not authentic but rather insignificant waves of energy in the scope of things. This thought process can be helpful to people who take themselves too seriously but is harmful when you ruminate about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I feel disconnected from my memories and past experiences. They don't seem to be a part of me as they once did. Worrying about this doesn't serve me. Things that don't serve me: researching about my symptoms, thinking about them, worrying about them, not embracing my symptoms, going on websites, in some ways my efforts don't serve me in that they are a reminder of why I started doing these things, referring to my symptoms, thinking that I have symptoms, taking my focus away from my senses in the truest meaning, lack of comfort with being alone.
Monday May 6, 2013Fact: I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Though my confusion or curiosity about my existence remains it has resided in the back of my mind today. I have accomplished errands today and have a generally positive disposition. It's important to remember that healing takes time and that life takes time. I really like the direction the Ricard book called Happiness is taking me. Perhaps one of the ways to feel more comfortable is to be more proactive about being happy. A treat the cause rather than treat the symptoms approach. I like the arc of today and where it will take me for upcoming moments and days.
Feeling a bit odd for the past couple hours. It's a bit more pronounced now. I'm feeling like "wow I'm actually here." As a result I feel fearful of what I am. What is the essence of my existence?
Tuesday May 7, 2013
11:13am
Feeling pretty good today. I have found myself in a relative state of comfort and productivity. Lets keep it up!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Let Our Symptoms Go Hungry and They Won't Last
I was thinking today about my childhood and some of the connections I made as a teenager and some of the spats I got into with friends and other people my age. I remember one time I became too friendly with one of my buddy's girlfriends and this made him really angry. There was nothing impure or any bad intentions on my part, but I just liked talking with this girl. But he wasn't buying it and this created a disconnect in our relationship and ultimately led to our not hanging out that much anymore. Now thirteen years late I honestly can't remember the girls name or the reasons why we liked hanging out, but I do know that me and my good friend had a falling out over this experience. While I have gone on to make other friends and no longer find myself upset about losing his friendship, I can still remember the spat we had over my youthful ignorance.
I think the concept of impermanence is important to remember in examining our own feelings and the presence of DP/DR in our lives. When I was thirteen this tiff with my buddy was the biggest thing in the world to me. Or when I was a young kid I would get so excited about watching Saturday morning cartoons. Not as much anymore though. The point is we can look to any point in our lives and see problems or obstacles that seem trivial now. Remember how hard riding a bike seemed before you could do it? Remember how big of a deal taking a test was or how nervous you were before a dance in middle school? But as time has passed so too have the feelings about our experiences. We should remember this because one of the things that has bothered me since developing symptoms of DP/DR is the whole notion of time and our relationship to and placement in it. However, I am better served by remembering that even though these feelings scare me they will not last forever. In fact they can not last forever and I have a lifetime of data to support this claim. We all do! These feelings may seem insurmountable and they may feel like everything is amiss, but they are 100% not here to stay.
Just as I can remember having a spat with my friend regarding his girlfriend but can't remember the details, so too will I remember this challenging time in my life but won't remember how awful this feels. I will be able to recognize that I felt uncomfortable for a period of time, but the details of the experience will melt away. The only way we can maintain these feelings for our entire lives is if we work to feed them. Think of people who have held grudges against friends for decades. Think of the anger many of us still feel against people who have hurt us. People have to work to keep these emotions alive. Thinking back to that person who holds a grudge against an old friend, it's easy to think of that person wanting to spend time with the old friend but refusing to do so out of holding a grudge. I used to get angry quite a bit while driving and therefore associated the road with negative energy. As a result every time I got in the car I would be angry/swearing/beeping the horn etc. I fed my negative energy by allowing myself to get angry at other drivers. But when I decided to stop being so angry in the car I actually found myself more at peace while driving.
The same can be said for the symptoms associated with DP/DR. If we don't feed the symptoms they won't grow and eventually will melt away just as all of the other negative feelings in our lives. There are many examples of things that have fed my DP/DR symptoms and they include: avoiding social situations, not going outside, researching what DP/DR is and how we get it, reading books about it, spending too much time on forums, thinking about it (we can control our thoughts), resisting the discomfort, among other unproductive habits. I certainly do not have recovery down to a science however, I do know that I have felt inclined toward feeding the symptoms and have witnessed a major difference in how I feel once I stopped feeding the symptoms. I would recommend to anyone who feels symptoms of DP/DR frequently to think about what feeds the feelings. What makes them worse? Intuitively what do you think hurts your recovery process?
This all leads me to believe that if we don't feed the symptoms they can not last forever. No matter where our symptoms have taken us regarding our feelings about ourselves and our environment, nothing can change the fact that the rules are still the same as before we started having these symptoms. Everything must come to an end, including these thoughts and feelings and I believe that one of the way to emerge from these symptoms is to find ways to stop feeding them.
The opposite is true by the way. Confidence and happiness feed more confidence and happiness. The more things we do that make us happy the better we feel. The better we feel the more likely we are to do things that make us and others feel good. We all have places that we associate with positive emotions and happiness. This is due to the fact that we do things that make us happy and feel comfortable in these places. Let's allow ourselves to be happy by looking for places and people that help make us happy. Let's do things that make us happy and things that will help us along our journey. Let's feed the person inside of us that wants comfort, joy, and happiness. That person resides inside of everybody, but needs to be fed in order to stay alive.
I think the concept of impermanence is important to remember in examining our own feelings and the presence of DP/DR in our lives. When I was thirteen this tiff with my buddy was the biggest thing in the world to me. Or when I was a young kid I would get so excited about watching Saturday morning cartoons. Not as much anymore though. The point is we can look to any point in our lives and see problems or obstacles that seem trivial now. Remember how hard riding a bike seemed before you could do it? Remember how big of a deal taking a test was or how nervous you were before a dance in middle school? But as time has passed so too have the feelings about our experiences. We should remember this because one of the things that has bothered me since developing symptoms of DP/DR is the whole notion of time and our relationship to and placement in it. However, I am better served by remembering that even though these feelings scare me they will not last forever. In fact they can not last forever and I have a lifetime of data to support this claim. We all do! These feelings may seem insurmountable and they may feel like everything is amiss, but they are 100% not here to stay.
Just as I can remember having a spat with my friend regarding his girlfriend but can't remember the details, so too will I remember this challenging time in my life but won't remember how awful this feels. I will be able to recognize that I felt uncomfortable for a period of time, but the details of the experience will melt away. The only way we can maintain these feelings for our entire lives is if we work to feed them. Think of people who have held grudges against friends for decades. Think of the anger many of us still feel against people who have hurt us. People have to work to keep these emotions alive. Thinking back to that person who holds a grudge against an old friend, it's easy to think of that person wanting to spend time with the old friend but refusing to do so out of holding a grudge. I used to get angry quite a bit while driving and therefore associated the road with negative energy. As a result every time I got in the car I would be angry/swearing/beeping the horn etc. I fed my negative energy by allowing myself to get angry at other drivers. But when I decided to stop being so angry in the car I actually found myself more at peace while driving.
The same can be said for the symptoms associated with DP/DR. If we don't feed the symptoms they won't grow and eventually will melt away just as all of the other negative feelings in our lives. There are many examples of things that have fed my DP/DR symptoms and they include: avoiding social situations, not going outside, researching what DP/DR is and how we get it, reading books about it, spending too much time on forums, thinking about it (we can control our thoughts), resisting the discomfort, among other unproductive habits. I certainly do not have recovery down to a science however, I do know that I have felt inclined toward feeding the symptoms and have witnessed a major difference in how I feel once I stopped feeding the symptoms. I would recommend to anyone who feels symptoms of DP/DR frequently to think about what feeds the feelings. What makes them worse? Intuitively what do you think hurts your recovery process?
This all leads me to believe that if we don't feed the symptoms they can not last forever. No matter where our symptoms have taken us regarding our feelings about ourselves and our environment, nothing can change the fact that the rules are still the same as before we started having these symptoms. Everything must come to an end, including these thoughts and feelings and I believe that one of the way to emerge from these symptoms is to find ways to stop feeding them.
The opposite is true by the way. Confidence and happiness feed more confidence and happiness. The more things we do that make us happy the better we feel. The better we feel the more likely we are to do things that make us and others feel good. We all have places that we associate with positive emotions and happiness. This is due to the fact that we do things that make us happy and feel comfortable in these places. Let's allow ourselves to be happy by looking for places and people that help make us happy. Let's do things that make us happy and things that will help us along our journey. Let's feed the person inside of us that wants comfort, joy, and happiness. That person resides inside of everybody, but needs to be fed in order to stay alive.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Journal Entries April 29-May 2
Monday April 29, 2013
10:21 amAnother good start to the day. I feel productive and peaceful. No anxiety and minimal considerations of my existence. Keep up the good work!
4:12 pmFeeling considerably better today. I had a brief spike in anxiety when I left for work but I have evened out a bit more. I haven't spent too much time considering my existence and have been able to just be for a good portion of the day. Even my thoughts about existence don't trouble me as much as I'm able to see myself in a new light and love it.
Tuesday April 30, 2013
12:48 pmToday has gone pretty well this far as far as anxiety goes. I really haven't spent much time considering who or what I am. When I had feelings I let them pass through me. I feel a bit detached from myself or my environment but it really doesn't bother me that much. I've enjoyed being outside in the sunshine and found my yoga practice fulfilling and my meditation practice comforting. I'm really starting to feel like there's some purpose to my life and I feel inspired to pursue this seemingly spiritual path that I'm on. I look forward to continued progress and I am even more grateful for the comfort I am feeling recently.
10:35 pmOverall I think today can count towards a step in the right direction. Anxiety was almost nonexistent. I did feel detached from my environment at certain parts of the day. I also had dreamlike feelings at other points. When I say detached or dreamlike I mean it feels like I'm an observer of myself. Fortunately this didn't really bother me or affect my day the way it has in the past. So I think that I continue to make progress and I even think that I will experience and enjoy life like I never have before. This is both exciting and something to look forward to. Slowly but definitively I am healing, growing, and growing more comfortable. I am so grateful to be alive, grateful to feel relief and grateful to learn from my experiences.
Wednesday May 1, 2013
6:38 pmI'd count today as another successful day on my journey toward comfort and homeostasis. I continue to be impressed with my ability to manage my anxiety and I am very happy that I have experienced such little anxiety lately.
Thursday May 2, 2013
10:13 amAnxiety is low so far today. I am feeling a bit detached from my environment. I'm getting this feeling or thought pattern of "is this all there is." I'm also wondering about consciousness and the essential nature of humans. I've taken my integrated experience for granted. When I say integrated I mean the me that goes through the day with no thoughts about moving my hands or how I blink my eyes. Which part of me is me? Is it all of me or is there a soul or self that is separate? If so where does it exist? Is my body a vessel? How do I attach personal meaning to my life? Not the helping others kind but the personal kind. More importantly how do I experience comfort and homeostasis? I am so grateful to be feeling better though and to have people who are helping me.
10:21 amAnother good start to the day. I feel productive and peaceful. No anxiety and minimal considerations of my existence. Keep up the good work!
4:12 pmFeeling considerably better today. I had a brief spike in anxiety when I left for work but I have evened out a bit more. I haven't spent too much time considering my existence and have been able to just be for a good portion of the day. Even my thoughts about existence don't trouble me as much as I'm able to see myself in a new light and love it.
Tuesday April 30, 2013
12:48 pmToday has gone pretty well this far as far as anxiety goes. I really haven't spent much time considering who or what I am. When I had feelings I let them pass through me. I feel a bit detached from myself or my environment but it really doesn't bother me that much. I've enjoyed being outside in the sunshine and found my yoga practice fulfilling and my meditation practice comforting. I'm really starting to feel like there's some purpose to my life and I feel inspired to pursue this seemingly spiritual path that I'm on. I look forward to continued progress and I am even more grateful for the comfort I am feeling recently.
10:35 pmOverall I think today can count towards a step in the right direction. Anxiety was almost nonexistent. I did feel detached from my environment at certain parts of the day. I also had dreamlike feelings at other points. When I say detached or dreamlike I mean it feels like I'm an observer of myself. Fortunately this didn't really bother me or affect my day the way it has in the past. So I think that I continue to make progress and I even think that I will experience and enjoy life like I never have before. This is both exciting and something to look forward to. Slowly but definitively I am healing, growing, and growing more comfortable. I am so grateful to be alive, grateful to feel relief and grateful to learn from my experiences.
Wednesday May 1, 2013
6:38 pmI'd count today as another successful day on my journey toward comfort and homeostasis. I continue to be impressed with my ability to manage my anxiety and I am very happy that I have experienced such little anxiety lately.
Thursday May 2, 2013
10:13 amAnxiety is low so far today. I am feeling a bit detached from my environment. I'm getting this feeling or thought pattern of "is this all there is." I'm also wondering about consciousness and the essential nature of humans. I've taken my integrated experience for granted. When I say integrated I mean the me that goes through the day with no thoughts about moving my hands or how I blink my eyes. Which part of me is me? Is it all of me or is there a soul or self that is separate? If so where does it exist? Is my body a vessel? How do I attach personal meaning to my life? Not the helping others kind but the personal kind. More importantly how do I experience comfort and homeostasis? I am so grateful to be feeling better though and to have people who are helping me.
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