Wednesday May 22, 2013
12:49 pmI do wonder if I'm getting anything out of therapy. I know it's hard for me to acknowledge progress but I think I may be of the mindset of if I don't have homework than I'm no doing good work in therapy. I will admit that meditation seems to help. I think I'm getting something out of the meetings. I do worry about this sense of being here for the first time. I do worry about my disconnect from my former self. I am eager to exist organically and as one. I thank God that I am more comfortable. I am also happy that I can enjoy more of life. I also wonder if we're treating what I actually have. I only worry because I'm not sure I describe my symptoms correctly. However the people who examine me are well trained and experienced and there are only a finite amount of conditions. And my symptoms aren't something really wacky or obscure. I am thankful for that. Undoubtedly my discomfort will help me grow and be happy.
Friday May 24, 2013
8:25 amYesterday and today are interesting. Yesterday felt pretty good at times and at times I felt disconnected from my body. It's an odd sensation, but I do a good job of recognizing it as symptoms and not this overwhelming thing that I won't be able to handle. I'm handling it just fine actually. Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is this struggle between what I can logically conclude about my symptoms versus my thinking that I'm the beneficiary of some great knowledge or insight. The problem comes when I think about what drives the nature of my thoughts, even this journal entry. I might also want to know what my body's relationship is to my mind. I can find comfort in knowing that I'm not God and therefore would have little say about many things no matter how I viewed them. I'm finding it interesting how much I've always lived in my own world, not realizing that everyone out there is going through their own lives. Everyone has their own journey and I've never thought to care or consider this. I've actually always wanted other people to be happy. When I think about it I've never wanted unhappiness or ill will for others. However I've never been overly invested in others' experiences. It's never really occurred to me beyond the surface level that maybe its not ok to focus so much of my energy on how I'm doing. The ironic thing about that is that I haven't ever spent much energy on self care either. In many ways I've just shuffled from activity to activity with no real direction as to where I know I want to go. Perhaps I would have gotten there no matter what decisions I make, but maybe this experience is giving me the kick to start exploring.
6:20 pm
Fact: there's no way around it that this is all perception. Every tool to succeed is already in me. Remain patient. Don't think about things that make you uncomfortable.
Saturday May 25, 2013
10:15 amFeeling a bit anxious today. It feels nice to reminisce about school, but I am having a hard time fully appreciating the moment. These feelings are just a product of unhelpful thinking. I am patient and calm and accepting. I am doing a good job of living with these symptoms. Remember that change is inevitable. Nothing bad can happen to me even if I'm uncomfortable. This is a good thing to remember. It's also good to remember what a blessing it is to wake up. I have so much to be thankful for. I have really loved my time at school and its a blessing to be back.
7:54 pm
Today has been ok. I haven't really felt that anxious but my disconnect from self has been there. It's been nice to talk and hang. I'm at least able to realize that these thoughts are just a part of symptoms. Thinking of it this way makes it more manageable.
Sunday May 26, 2013
1:16 pmToday has been an ok day. I've felt a bit anxious at times. I'm feeling better anxiety wise after meditating, but I have been feeling a disconnect from myself today. I am feeling a bit of fear because I'm not sure if I'm starting to lose my personality, or more importantly the unchanging part of me. I am fearful of not retaining my identity or sense of control and self. Resistance fails to serve me however. I am going to enjoy what I have with the means and constructs I possess to enjoy things. A goal would be to gain a better understanding of what I'm experiencing. I only ask this so that I can better strategize and deal with my discomfort. I am getting the sensation of my consciousness being new. I'm also getting the sensation that I'm not in control or that what I do has no merit or purpose. I am still struggling with self concept. However I'm better off than I was. I'm learning a whole lot a out myself and the human psyche. I'm on a definitive spiritual path. I have people who love me. I have someone to share my life with.
5:22 pm
Im having a bit of a hard time conceptualizing what I'm feeling right now. I just feel a bit odd, off, and out of sorts. I feel kind of spacey and disconnected. Some goals: figure out what feeling spacey is, rid myself of the notion that I'm having profound thoughts, embody my gratitude list, try to help others, accept the process.
Tuesday May 28, 2013
11:26 amYesterday and today have been ok. I have some feelings of anxiety and unease. I am pleased that I handled being out of my routine fairly well. My experience traveling this time has been much better than when we traveled in January. I can definitely say that I was more at ease, less obsessive with my thoughts, more able to engage, more hopeful, and generally more happy than when I traveled a few months ago. Perhaps I can't quantify the improvement, but I know. I'm even able to think existential thoughts without getting really worked up. I think that the nature of this experience lends itself to a lot of confusion. The biggest change is thinking about thinking. Obsessive thoughts. Destructive thoughts that don't serve me. Something has gotten me in a rut, but it doesn't have to stay this way. I think it's important to commit myself fully to my goals. I want to live in peace. I want to exist organically without thinking about my existence. I want this with all of my being. So I have to lay out a plan for the life that I want to live. I have to commit myself fully to this plan. If I don't want to be bothered than I have to stop being bothered. Remember I've done this for most of my life.
7:09 pm
I've gotten by pretty well today. I've been pretty comfortable and engaged at work. I've gotten a lot done in terms of working on me. I've made a list of things I want to accomplish in my life. How can I just exist without these thoughts? Remember when I was just a member of the world who didn't consider these things? It's important to note that I couldn't even consider these questions if I didn't have the capacity to think and create. I'm in more control than I think.
Wednesday May 29, 2013
1:51 pmToday has been ok. I'm still here to think about it and write about it. Yoga went well today and I enjoyed my guided meditation. I still think my mind races a bit too much during meditation but the guiding helps it. I feel a bit mentally blocked up as far as living a normal life again. What is driving all of my thoughts? How can I get more comfortable with just existing? Surely other people have grappled with this issue and have come out safe and sound on the other side. I can't help but look at my environment and think of the impermanence of things. But I'm also troubled by just being. How can I do that again and live in peace?
9:40 pm
I'm a little bummed out that I'm not back to normal yet. I'm not frustrated because of the work I'm putting in, but I am frustrated because I feel like these thoughts take away from my enjoying life. How did I get to this point? Sometimes I feel like I'm not here but on another level I know I am. I feel like I've hit a plateau again and I'm eager to feel even better. I am blessed for my improvement and I am blessed for my discomfort because I'm here to feel uncomfortable. Patience is so important.
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