Friday May 3, 2013
Been a pretty good day so far. Anxiety has been non existent. Been feeling a bit detached from my environment and myself. Feeling the mind and body disconnect. But I'm committed to moving toward a path of acceptance.
Saturday May 4, 2013Today has felt unusual thus far at least by my former standards of normality. I just can't wrap my mind around the nature of my mind. We have all of these silent thoughts nearly every moment of the day. It's kind of like one's private world. Why does this bother me so? Why does this make me uncomfortable? I suppose the discomfort comes from not knowing what controls my actions and feelings. I'm uncomfortable not knowing what drives my thoughts. I really want to get comfortable with myself. I feel a disconnect from my past experiences. Almost like they happened to someone else and I am an observer. At the same time I'm not sure what it even means to be an observer in this case. It is exhausting to have a mind activated by these thoughts as frequently as mine is. How can I come to regard my mind and body as one? How can I explain this to myself rationally? I even feel detached from my breathe. There isn't anything comforting or refreshing about deep breathing. Where does peace come from in general? Where does it come from in people who experience these thoughts that I am having? It's interesting that nothing is different but in someways nothing is the same.
Hmmmmm. There's something going on inside of me that's causing me discomfort. I feel a little more jacked up, sort of an adrenaline feeling. I'm a little confused by my existence. Basically, if I am a product of nature than are my thoughts and feelings any more than a part of nature the way a flower blooming is? I am uncomfortable with this because it makes me feel less like me and more like a part of something bigger. How can I feel autonomous?
Sunday May 5, 2013Emotionally today was ok. I had some good points and some points where I didn't feel great. I think it's important to remember that patience will continue to be my best friend and that living organically is the best way to live organically. The less I think about my day to day actions the better. I get a bit uncomfortable around the topic of consciousness and mass and time. I wonder where my thoughts and feelings come from and worry that maybe they are not authentic but rather insignificant waves of energy in the scope of things. This thought process can be helpful to people who take themselves too seriously but is harmful when you ruminate about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I feel disconnected from my memories and past experiences. They don't seem to be a part of me as they once did. Worrying about this doesn't serve me. Things that don't serve me: researching about my symptoms, thinking about them, worrying about them, not embracing my symptoms, going on websites, in some ways my efforts don't serve me in that they are a reminder of why I started doing these things, referring to my symptoms, thinking that I have symptoms, taking my focus away from my senses in the truest meaning, lack of comfort with being alone.
Monday May 6, 2013Fact: I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Though my confusion or curiosity about my existence remains it has resided in the back of my mind today. I have accomplished errands today and have a generally positive disposition. It's important to remember that healing takes time and that life takes time. I really like the direction the Ricard book called Happiness is taking me. Perhaps one of the ways to feel more comfortable is to be more proactive about being happy. A treat the cause rather than treat the symptoms approach. I like the arc of today and where it will take me for upcoming moments and days.
Feeling a bit odd for the past couple hours. It's a bit more pronounced now. I'm feeling like "wow I'm actually here." As a result I feel fearful of what I am. What is the essence of my existence?
Tuesday May 7, 2013
11:13am
Feeling pretty good today. I have found myself in a relative state of comfort and productivity. Lets keep it up!
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