I am happy to share that today has been an awesome day as far as my symptoms of DP/DR. When I first started this blog, I existed in a considerable amount of pain and discomfort. Although I verbalized a cheery outlook, I still had doubts as to where my path would lead me. I simply could not fathom feeling better or feeling normal again. I obsessed over my symptoms and spent too much time researching what was wrong with me. I am fortunate to have had a great support group and the will to live happily again.
Although this may be particularly difficult for people who experience tremendous discomfort surrounding their symptoms and the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with DP/DR, I firmly believe that my experience with DP/DR needed to happen in my life and appears to have been for my own good. There were many changes that I needed to make before I could start growing into the kind of person I want to be and nothing would have compelled me to change my lifestyle more than DP/DR.
As I begin to feel myself coming even further out of the haze that is DP/DR I am further convinced that this is an entirely treatable and manageable condition. Much of my improvement has resulted from my therapists' treatment of my anxiety. Although I am a highly functional and independent adult who has accomplished quite a bit before the age of 30, I have recently realized that I never learned how to care for myself. Sure, I can pay rent and afford groceries. I shower every day and try to eat healthily. But I have spent almost none of my adult life taking care of myself. I abused alcohol for six years. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in years. I have never had a massage. I have spent years without any outlet for stress or anxiety. I almost never go to the doctor. I have always tried to sleep as little as possible. I am very hard on myself. Even my workout regimen of heavy weight lifting caused injury. These are just a few examples of ways that I have not preserved my mental or physical well-being. This leads me to believe that my DP/DR and anxiety issues were bound to happen. In fact something would have been wrong with me if I didn't reach this breaking point. Because of the fact that I have succeeded in spite of myself, there was never an impetus for me to change. Why stop drinking if I go to work every day? Why exercise if I never get sick? Why spend time relaxing if I seem happy? Why go to the dentist if I don't have a toothache? All of these things seem obvious on paper, but I never prioritized them. Therefore, my treatment plan for anxiety has helped remove a huge burden in my life and allowed me the room to focus on DP/DR. I can't say if everyone who has DP/DR also experiences anxiety, but I think that anything that lessens anxiety in your life must help on some level.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery has been getting over this mental hump of reality and my place in it. For months I obsessed over what I am and if I'm autonomous. I have felt detached from my environment and curious about my existence. I have constantly wondered about what drives my thoughts and what is the nature of existence. I still consider these things. However, I obsess over them less and I try to focus on other things. A major breakthrough in my recovery came when I began to dismiss my negative thoughts. I might think, "what am I?" and respond "what does it really matter and how is this serving me?" I have committed to not caring anymore about these existential questions. I say to myself that these questions only hurt me and I don't want to live in pain anymore. I still have some difficulty with appreciating the moment and enjoying my environment, but I'm getting better. I don't think I'm back to normal yet, but I do think that my path to "normalcy" will ultimately lead me to happiness. Happiness was not a priority for me before DP/DR. I was content with complacency and being spiritually static. One of the positive aspects of rumination and obsession is that it gives you a great opportunity to look within and to analyze what isn't working. My life and my experience with reality wasn't working for me. Now that I've realized this I have a chance to build myself up to be better than ever, better than new as my best friend would say.
I implore anyone who is in pain, or anyone who is uncomfortable, to be proactive and have hope. Help other people as well. It gives you purpose. Remember everyone suffers, even people who don't have DP/DR. Help alleviate other peoples' suffering as well as your own. Stay strong. Your life is important and you can experience relief and happiness.
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