Thursday April 18, 2013
10:01 pm
I will preface everything by saying that I didn't meditate until 6:45 today so this may contextualize the way I felt today. I will say though that today has probably been building a little bit during this week. So overall I will mark today as another success. My anxiety was managed with little fanfare. The anxiety built and it was relieved. Nothing huge. However, I am bothered by this back and forth of consciousness I've been having. I will go about my day accomplishing my tasks and then boom I'm like wow I'm human. What allows me to do all this? What am I? To be more results oriented I want to know how other people think about these things but aren't bothered by them. I mean really who isn't weirded out by our ability to think? Where do thoughts come from and do our thoughts make us real? I don't even care about the real versus not real thing anymore. What I care about is living in peace and being able to enjoy life. What is holding me back? What is my obstacle? My therapists all say stay with the program, but are my thoughts and symptoms special? Likely not but I feel like I haven't completely relayed my feelings or perceptions. And I don't want to think of myself as a spirit contained in a body. I just want to feel one again. I want to be integrated. How do I do this? I don't want this to be a cerebral thing. All of this often feels like a dream and I don't feel as autonomous as I once did. Comfort please come. But, however, this is God's will. This is supposed to happen. I am a part of something bigger than myself. People enjoy their lives, even people who have had these symptoms. All I can do is my best and have faith, hope, and patience. When these symptoms started I felt so much worse and now have made it two full weeks without Ativan. I have things to look forward to including: better weather, traveling, NBA playoffs, deepening my meditation and yoga practice, studying things I'm interested in, eating well, sunshine, ice cream, working on my book.
Saturday April 20, 2013
10:07 am
I've been feeling fairly anxious all morning. The last couple of days I've spent too much energy concerning myself with what I am. It's been difficult to stop thinking of myself as merely a body with organs and bones etc. Thinking of myself like this makes me feel less autonomous, less in control of my actions, and the going through the motions and dreamlike feeling. I know that I have control of my actions but what drives this control? My concept of self has been concerning me or making me uncomfortable.
Sunday April 21, 2013
5:49 pm
Today has mostly been low anxiety. Felt surge of anxiety around 5 pm. My best feeling times anxiety wise were in the woods, during and after yoga, and just after the dog park. I felt the most detached from self around five and during certain points of the walk. When I say detached I mean I'm confused by my existence and exactly what makes me autonomous and human. I feel like my organs and body are separate from my thoughts and mind. As I try to think of why this is distressing I can't really pinpoint it other than to say it causes me discomfort to think about. This is encouraging however because it says to me that there really isn't anything wrong, but rather an indication of my obsessing over these thoughts. I would like to feel integrated and not think about these things. I would like to go through my day just experiencing things and not having to ruminate about existence. I want to feel like my mind and body are one. What will it take to feel this way? What are baby steps I can start taking? Another good thing is I didn't bring Ativan out of the house today which means if I felt anxious I would have to manage it without medication. My anxiety has improved overall, particularly as it pertains to when it gets really bad. I've also managed to better accept the detachment rather than resisting it. How can I start to feel good all of the time? It can be done as the mind is quite powerful and capable!
7:34 pm
Took a walk at dusk. Felt pretty odd the whole walk. Sort of a dream like sensation. Notably disconnected from my body. Mind and thoughts seem separate entities and this bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. How can I return to feeling connected again?
Monday April 22, 2013
9:15 am
Feeling ok today. My anxiety doesn't feel high or even really there. I'm having some discomfort with my own existence but perhaps not as great as yesterday. I'm still having that sensation of being here for the first time. It's an odd sensation but makes me feel not quite human or a part of the moment. The concept of time passing has been uncomfortable for me and has also given me the sense that everything is happening very quickly and slowly at the same time. I have the sense that everything is happening at once. Overall I'm doing pretty good today though.
1:33 pm
Still feeling just ok. My anxiety has been fairly low today however I still feel this disconnect from my body and my self. It was particularly noticeable as I was talking with coworkers. I am a bit impatient as I am trying everything I've been given. However if I step back and look objectively I am able to get through my days much better. I am not as cranky. I am more kind and less anxious. I've started doing things that are good for long term mental health. So in the end I can't complain too much as I think that my efforts will likely allow me to have a more fulfilling life. And even though I'm about four months in to a difficult time I am still here and continue to persevere. Everyone has hardships and this is clearly mine. I can't complain about this as anxiety, depression, and worry didn't push me over the edge to make changes in my life and my outlook. So it seems that this is my impetus to start becoming a better version of me. What else would have compelled me to change? Now I do still have to find a way to feel organic and comfortable. I want my program to work for the goals that I have.
Tuesday April 23, 2013
11:56 am
Thus far today has gone fairly well as far as anxiety. No real spikes of anxiety or low points. I'm have been having some thoughts about my own consciousness and experience. I want to try to be as accurate as possible in my description. Here's what bothers me: there are points during the day where I have the sensation that I am here for the first time. More specifically, it feels as if my memories are just that but not actually things that I experienced. This bothers me because I feel a disconnect from a point of reference to who I am today. I understand that I live in the now and only the now but you can't get here without your past experiences. I am also uncomfortable with how I have taken consciousness for granted, meaning consciousness has always been the most natural feeling ie I don't think about it I just experience it. However now I feel like my actions and my mind take on different entities. Perhaps this is true but how can I feel as one again? Even as I write this I wonder about my autonomy and my humanity. I have a sense that maybe I'm experiencing something profound but logically I think this experience is the result of anxiety or something of that nature. Something seems to be out of whack even if I am not describing it well. Mostly I feel as if my day just happens to me. I feel somewhat like I'm in a dream and that I'm floating through my day in a sense. My internal dialogue suggests that I'm meeting a new me throughout the day and not the person I've always been. I suppose this doesn't bother me as it has before, but it still bothers me.
9:44 pm
Today has been successful anxiety wise. I didn't feel anything that debilitated me or even really made me feel that bad. Room for improvement: feeling connected again, feeling totally human as opposed to automated or robotic, ceasing the thoughts about my self concept, feeling like a whole/one entity, ceasing to feel like I'm in a dream. I say room for improvement because I haven't really felt these things recently. I would like to regain my feelings of autonomy. I would like to experience what the world has to offer without these existential questions. I don't want to think these profound thoughts. I want to just be. Healthy adjusted people aren't bothered by these thoughts.
Wednesday April 24, 2013
12:03 pm
Today has been successful as far as anxiety goes and my therapist's thoughts during therapy seem to resonate with me. I'm eager to feel comfort again and I'm eager to learn from this experience.
Thursday April 25, 2013
8:03 am
A little recap from yesterday: I actually felt pretty good for most of the day. I think the things that my therapist said about my affirmations resonated with me. It also helped to get some concrete steps I can take to start seeing some results. My anxiety level was low if not nonexistent all day. I felt a bit odd at the meditation center but part of it has to do with it being dusk, it was a little hot in the room, and the topics being discussed were inherently not grounding. I mean talking about finding your inner self and light aren't exactly a familiar topic to me. However I did feel pretty good and excited even when I got home. I think I fell pretty deeply into meditation and slept pretty deeply as well. I dreamt vividly. This morning my anxiety is low however I've flowed back and forth between my normal consciousness and the one where I wonder about existence etc. I am excited to have a day where I have thoughts about things that interest me and make me happy.
11:23am
Pretty good day this far. Feeling fairly natural and organic if not than worrying about discomfort less.
Saturday April 27, 2013
11:20 pm
Overall today went very well. Anxiety was basically nonexistent and my thoughts about reality and being were less pervasive. I handled situations that would normally unnerve me with calm. I enjoyed my time mainly in an organic fashion. Definite and noticeable improvement for today. Yay for me! Also just to recap the progression of my symptoms. Initially I felt mostly disconnected and obsessive over existence and being. This in turn made me more anxious and shed light on my previous anxiety that I had likely been living with for a while. When the anxiety lessened so too did my obsessive worrying about reality. My focus than turned to what makes me human and what makes me any different from any other matter in the universe. I still felt disconnected from my environment and in a dream almost. I would often feel automated. Slowly these feelings would bother me less. I still felt them but they bothered me less. Last night I felt completely normal at times and more so today. When the thoughts of the universe and my reality come up I just let them float by. I can say that today marks another point of reference in looking at my growth and recovery. Things that bothered me today: certain disconnect from former self, at times I felt like in a scene when at restaurant, certain thoughts about what am I.
Some good things: felt good at dog park and grocery store, good yoga classes and meditation meeting, cleaned up, helped my aunt and didn't lose my cool, enjoyed myself at the restaurant and bar, had a good workshop,
Sunday April 28, 2013
12:56 pm
Really starting to feel like I'm coming out of the haze that has been the past few months. The most exciting thing is that I feel more compelled to help others and promote good in the world. I also feel more inspired to take better care of myself. Yay for me!
10:03 pm
Overall today was a really good day. I felt organic at many points of the day. I'm feeling more like my old self and than some. By than some I mean I feel like I'm going to get to improve on the things I always wanted to add to my life. I've had an opportunity to think about my feelings and to find ways to manage them. I didn't become overwhelmed at all today and felt much less detached than in the past. I think that today points toward a bright future.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Acceptance Equals Recovery
I am happy to share that I am still witnessing slow, but sustained steps toward recovery from my symptoms of anxiety and the related DP/DR symptoms that compelled me to start this blog. One of the things that I have come to believe and understand is that the less I fight my symptoms the less they bother me. I would liken this to the ways kids deal with bullying. More times than not if you don't let the bully see that he or she is bothering you they often leave you alone. Please take this comparison from the glass half full perspective as the point of the analogy is to further drive home my belief that we can all recover from our symptoms. When I say to stop fighting your symptoms I mean from an attitude standpoint. I have contended throughout this entire healing process that DP/DR seems to be a problem of personal perspective or perception rather than anything changing too dramatically in the external world. As a result, this gives us some control as to how much our symptoms bother us or at least how big of a role they play in our lives. Think back to that kid who gets bullied again. Maybe the bully really does bother him at school and makes him really angry and difficult to be around at home. However, maybe this kid has found some solace at his karate class, or has made friends at the local library or park. Maybe this young kid is a really talented artist and as he needed a way to relieve his stress of being bullied he was able to fully realize his potential. Many of the obstacles we have in life will be defined by how we deal with them. Focus on your locus of control ie. look for what you can control rather than what you can't at this point. I have come to accept that the way I see the world now is not really something I can change at this point, but I can change my response. Think of a time when you were really stressed, anxious, or upset. We all have go to moves for when we feel this way. But imagine if when we were really stressed we decided to recite the alphabet, or call our mother, or sing nonsense songs. We do have control of how we respond. To take this idea a bit further, imagine how powerful our recovery process could be if instead of allowing the DP/DR symptoms to define us we decided to define our responses. Perhaps you don't have to start with a positive thing like running, or exercise, or deep breathing. Maybe you just need to sing a nonsense song just to prove that you're in control. Then you can gradually move up to things that are good for you.
The title of this post is "Acceptance Equals Recovery." When I have come to accept my symptoms for what they are-JUST SYMPTOMS-I have found myself better equipped to deal with them. Now when I feel detached from the moment, or I feel like I'm in a dream, or that the world is odd or unreal I just let it happen rather than panic. As humans we are not designed to exist in perpetual suffering as witnessed by all of the people who don't experience DP/DR. I try to focus on my response to the symptoms rather than the symptoms themselves. For example, when I start to feel detached or in a dreamlike state I start to notice my thoughts and my mind race. In the past I would continue to let it race until I was in a full on panic. Now I have decided to allow the symptoms to be what they are and focus my thoughts on positive or neutral things or at least describing in my mind the environment around me. I chose the title for this post based on the fact that the more I have allowed the symptoms into my life the less I have noticed them. They don't bother me as much because I choose to control my response. It sounds a lot harder than it is, but I encourage you to try in small steps. Every time you put positive energy into something it comes right back to you. There isn't a single good action that is wasted even if you don't see or notice the immediate results. Say to yourself these symptoms will not define me. I define my life through my deliberate thoughts and actions. I am in control even when I don't notice that I am. Stay strong. Stay committed. Stay positive.
The title of this post is "Acceptance Equals Recovery." When I have come to accept my symptoms for what they are-JUST SYMPTOMS-I have found myself better equipped to deal with them. Now when I feel detached from the moment, or I feel like I'm in a dream, or that the world is odd or unreal I just let it happen rather than panic. As humans we are not designed to exist in perpetual suffering as witnessed by all of the people who don't experience DP/DR. I try to focus on my response to the symptoms rather than the symptoms themselves. For example, when I start to feel detached or in a dreamlike state I start to notice my thoughts and my mind race. In the past I would continue to let it race until I was in a full on panic. Now I have decided to allow the symptoms to be what they are and focus my thoughts on positive or neutral things or at least describing in my mind the environment around me. I chose the title for this post based on the fact that the more I have allowed the symptoms into my life the less I have noticed them. They don't bother me as much because I choose to control my response. It sounds a lot harder than it is, but I encourage you to try in small steps. Every time you put positive energy into something it comes right back to you. There isn't a single good action that is wasted even if you don't see or notice the immediate results. Say to yourself these symptoms will not define me. I define my life through my deliberate thoughts and actions. I am in control even when I don't notice that I am. Stay strong. Stay committed. Stay positive.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Journal Post April 13-17
Saturday April 13, 2013
2:51 pm
I'm going to emerge from this. No doubt anymore. I will rise from the ashes with strength and confidence and lead a life of purpose.
6:00 pmToday had been pretty good this far. I think I'm feeling more integrated throughout the day. I felt anxiety starting to build and used focusing on positive thoughts and this reduced anxiety within minutes. Still some residual anxiety but its manageable and will pass. I am still feeling a disconnect from my body and experience at times but it helps to know that this is a result of my brain putting up a defense shield. Perhaps I don't have to think of the brain as I did before and can still be happy. The disconnect will pass with time and effort. Patience is important though I'm eager to go on living without these considerations every day. I have immense gratitude for my improvement and understanding of what I'm going through. I can absolutely get to a point where I feel like my old self and more importantly where I can appreciate joy at a different level. It's important to trust the fact that the discomfort is just a byproduct of my anxiety and won't last forever. My treatment plan is working and of there are bumps on the road we will adjust. People recover and I will too.
Sunday April 14, 2013
11:04 amFelt a bit anxious a little earlier but feeling a bit better now. I think I'm starting to feel a little more integrated in the last couple days.
10:39 pmToday was overall a really good day. I'm really starting to feel organic again. I've had some anxiety off and on throughout the day but my thoughts about my existence have been at a minimum. I am cautiously humble about my progress in that I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I take a step back. However I am so grateful for feeling better and the relief of being able to live again. I will still try to take this one moment at a time in that I still have some residual questions about the nature of my being and I don't always feel integrated. But honestly I feel a lot better. Time has been really flying as far as the weeks go but my days seem very long. I'm excited about another week and the learning opportunities and chances to progress. It's such a blessing to feel better.
Monday April 15, 2013
5:00 pmOverall today my feelings of anxiety have been managed effectively. I think I have has more anxiety today than in past days, but overall today coincides with my trend of improvement. Haven't really ruminated about existence much and have felt somewhat organic at times. Even when I started to contemplate existence I find myself more comfortable with the ponderings. I'd say the anxiety was more harmful to my mood than my thoughts about what I am and how I got here. I do have somewhat of a dream like feeling in that there's some disconnect between my experiences and what I'm doing now.
Tuesday April 16, 2013
8:22 pmOverall I felt pretty good today. I had a good meditation session early in the morning and it set me up pretty nice and calm for my trip to work. At work I was talkative and confident and friendly. I quite enjoyed being outdoors today. I even felt peace at certain points while outside. The good takeaway from the day is that my anxiety was fairly low if not even really there. Something I'm not thrilled about is my thinking about my existence. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around thoughts about how thoughts come to be, what is the nature of humanity, how did we come to be, how do I get through my day? I've still got a sensation of being in a dream at times particularly as I reflect back on the day. I also have this discomfort of feeling like I'm conscious for the first time at different points in the day. I'll get deep in thought or into something and then I'll return to these thoughts of what am I. How do I feel comfortable just being again? How do I stop feeling detached from my experience? How do I live presumably the way most people do in that they don't have these dream sensations? I have felt organic at certain points of the day and I am proud that I still get through my days particularly with less anxiety. Having the weight of anxiety lifted is such a relief. Now I want to make heads or tails of these issues of detachment and my persistent thoughts of my existence. And my feelings of being in a dream or automated can leave too of they want. To be more specific I might use the example of looking at a landscape and not really seeing the difference between it and me. I know we exist as different entities but if we're both just matter in the universe than in the big picture aren't we all just the same? What makes us different than? Another example might be my thoughts about where and how my inner dialogue comes to be and to go a bit further how do my actions come to be without being drawn out and deliberate? I mean when I'm thirsty I get up and get water but I don't have a conversation with myself where I say ok I'm thirsty time to go get water. I just go get it. I wonder about this and the nature and origins of my thoughts and actions. As I've taken the model of positive thinking and committing to my treatment plans I will continue to regard these thoughts merely as symptoms of a condition that is being treated by my team and I. My only concern and I want to share this in therapy is that by accepting these feelings as symptoms and commuting to having patience I feel like I may be pushing the painful and tough feelings aside figuring that by going with the program these feelings will organically dissipate and I will eventually feel better.
Wednesday April 17, 2013
9:43 pmI won't say today was a bad day because my anxiety was manageable and also hey I'm here at the end of another day and nothing bad has happened to me. I went to work and managed a trip. I went to therapy. I meditated twice. I finished a chapter of my book and I wrote a blog post. These are all indicators of a perfectly functional human being. It's amazing how big of a difference lowered anxiety can make on ones outlook. Now, to focus a bit on things I want to improve. I'm still thinking too much about how I came to be and what I am. I've taken for granted that I am human and all of the miracles or miraculous way that we've all come to be. It would be really nice if these thoughts I'm having didn't feel like one me and my body another. I'm ok with having a soul even though I don't have choice on the matter anyway but I don't want to think of myself as a soul in a body. I want to feel like my thoughts and body operate as one. I'm not really sure how I got on this train of thought but I'd like to take a different route. I did spend more time today being worried and concerned about my existence than I did last Friday for example. How do I feel integrated again? Is there a tip or a program to do this? Am I doing the program and it just takes time? Sometimes I feel absent of emotion and connection to my environment and by sometimes its probably closer to all of the time or most of the time. How do I feel things other than fear, anxiety, discomfort, and confusion? To return to positive thoughts though I smiled when I saw how cute the little baby was yesterday and how cute the little girl was today. This gave me a certain feeling of peace. I felt pretty good in the sunshine at points today and enjoyed connecting with a coworker a bit about his family, culture, and background. I got excited to think about my new job for next year and I enjoyed thinking about taking a Memorial Day trip. I felt pretty good after morning meditation. I was very engaged in my novel and my blog post. I did not fight my feelings of DP/DR but tried to just let then float away and not bother me. Is it possible to feel them, acknowledge them, and not let them bother you? Is this a positive step toward full recovery?
2:51 pm
I'm going to emerge from this. No doubt anymore. I will rise from the ashes with strength and confidence and lead a life of purpose.
6:00 pmToday had been pretty good this far. I think I'm feeling more integrated throughout the day. I felt anxiety starting to build and used focusing on positive thoughts and this reduced anxiety within minutes. Still some residual anxiety but its manageable and will pass. I am still feeling a disconnect from my body and experience at times but it helps to know that this is a result of my brain putting up a defense shield. Perhaps I don't have to think of the brain as I did before and can still be happy. The disconnect will pass with time and effort. Patience is important though I'm eager to go on living without these considerations every day. I have immense gratitude for my improvement and understanding of what I'm going through. I can absolutely get to a point where I feel like my old self and more importantly where I can appreciate joy at a different level. It's important to trust the fact that the discomfort is just a byproduct of my anxiety and won't last forever. My treatment plan is working and of there are bumps on the road we will adjust. People recover and I will too.
Sunday April 14, 2013
11:04 amFelt a bit anxious a little earlier but feeling a bit better now. I think I'm starting to feel a little more integrated in the last couple days.
10:39 pmToday was overall a really good day. I'm really starting to feel organic again. I've had some anxiety off and on throughout the day but my thoughts about my existence have been at a minimum. I am cautiously humble about my progress in that I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I take a step back. However I am so grateful for feeling better and the relief of being able to live again. I will still try to take this one moment at a time in that I still have some residual questions about the nature of my being and I don't always feel integrated. But honestly I feel a lot better. Time has been really flying as far as the weeks go but my days seem very long. I'm excited about another week and the learning opportunities and chances to progress. It's such a blessing to feel better.
Monday April 15, 2013
5:00 pmOverall today my feelings of anxiety have been managed effectively. I think I have has more anxiety today than in past days, but overall today coincides with my trend of improvement. Haven't really ruminated about existence much and have felt somewhat organic at times. Even when I started to contemplate existence I find myself more comfortable with the ponderings. I'd say the anxiety was more harmful to my mood than my thoughts about what I am and how I got here. I do have somewhat of a dream like feeling in that there's some disconnect between my experiences and what I'm doing now.
Tuesday April 16, 2013
8:22 pmOverall I felt pretty good today. I had a good meditation session early in the morning and it set me up pretty nice and calm for my trip to work. At work I was talkative and confident and friendly. I quite enjoyed being outdoors today. I even felt peace at certain points while outside. The good takeaway from the day is that my anxiety was fairly low if not even really there. Something I'm not thrilled about is my thinking about my existence. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around thoughts about how thoughts come to be, what is the nature of humanity, how did we come to be, how do I get through my day? I've still got a sensation of being in a dream at times particularly as I reflect back on the day. I also have this discomfort of feeling like I'm conscious for the first time at different points in the day. I'll get deep in thought or into something and then I'll return to these thoughts of what am I. How do I feel comfortable just being again? How do I stop feeling detached from my experience? How do I live presumably the way most people do in that they don't have these dream sensations? I have felt organic at certain points of the day and I am proud that I still get through my days particularly with less anxiety. Having the weight of anxiety lifted is such a relief. Now I want to make heads or tails of these issues of detachment and my persistent thoughts of my existence. And my feelings of being in a dream or automated can leave too of they want. To be more specific I might use the example of looking at a landscape and not really seeing the difference between it and me. I know we exist as different entities but if we're both just matter in the universe than in the big picture aren't we all just the same? What makes us different than? Another example might be my thoughts about where and how my inner dialogue comes to be and to go a bit further how do my actions come to be without being drawn out and deliberate? I mean when I'm thirsty I get up and get water but I don't have a conversation with myself where I say ok I'm thirsty time to go get water. I just go get it. I wonder about this and the nature and origins of my thoughts and actions. As I've taken the model of positive thinking and committing to my treatment plans I will continue to regard these thoughts merely as symptoms of a condition that is being treated by my team and I. My only concern and I want to share this in therapy is that by accepting these feelings as symptoms and commuting to having patience I feel like I may be pushing the painful and tough feelings aside figuring that by going with the program these feelings will organically dissipate and I will eventually feel better.
Wednesday April 17, 2013
9:43 pmI won't say today was a bad day because my anxiety was manageable and also hey I'm here at the end of another day and nothing bad has happened to me. I went to work and managed a trip. I went to therapy. I meditated twice. I finished a chapter of my book and I wrote a blog post. These are all indicators of a perfectly functional human being. It's amazing how big of a difference lowered anxiety can make on ones outlook. Now, to focus a bit on things I want to improve. I'm still thinking too much about how I came to be and what I am. I've taken for granted that I am human and all of the miracles or miraculous way that we've all come to be. It would be really nice if these thoughts I'm having didn't feel like one me and my body another. I'm ok with having a soul even though I don't have choice on the matter anyway but I don't want to think of myself as a soul in a body. I want to feel like my thoughts and body operate as one. I'm not really sure how I got on this train of thought but I'd like to take a different route. I did spend more time today being worried and concerned about my existence than I did last Friday for example. How do I feel integrated again? Is there a tip or a program to do this? Am I doing the program and it just takes time? Sometimes I feel absent of emotion and connection to my environment and by sometimes its probably closer to all of the time or most of the time. How do I feel things other than fear, anxiety, discomfort, and confusion? To return to positive thoughts though I smiled when I saw how cute the little baby was yesterday and how cute the little girl was today. This gave me a certain feeling of peace. I felt pretty good in the sunshine at points today and enjoyed connecting with a coworker a bit about his family, culture, and background. I got excited to think about my new job for next year and I enjoyed thinking about taking a Memorial Day trip. I felt pretty good after morning meditation. I was very engaged in my novel and my blog post. I did not fight my feelings of DP/DR but tried to just let then float away and not bother me. Is it possible to feel them, acknowledge them, and not let them bother you? Is this a positive step toward full recovery?
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Perspective on My Recovery and What to Look For
I have been fortunate enough to have experienced some progress in the past weeks as it concerns my symptoms of anxiety, depersonalization, and derealization. A great deal of this progress has come from the combined efforts of my therapists, my psychiatrist and the help of friends. Mostly though, I do want to take much of the credit for the progress as I am the one who actually has to do the work. This is important for others to consider as well as it gives us a great deal of power in our own recovery. There's no magic pill (that I know of) that can change the way we've come to see the world, and more importantly how we feel about those perceptions. However, I continue to believe that I can live a happy and fulfilled life again despite the obstacles that I have faced in the past months.
As I stated above I have been lucky enough to have felt some progress over the past couple of weeks. Mostly my relief has come in my anxiety, particularly as it pertains my symptoms of DP/DR. The relief of anxiety really does make a difference as to how I've come to view my symptoms and has helped ground me in the sense that I can see my symptoms for what they are and not some unchangeable truth that will forever make me miserable. I can honestly say that at the outset of my symptoms of DP/DR they made me miserable and incredibly uncomfortable. Now, I'd say that my symptoms make me uncomfortable, but that I'm able to manage this discomfort a lot better than before. They don't debilitate me or cause panic. I just take the discomfort for what it is and try to manage the feelings rather than fight them. Having said that I am happy to share that I have had moments and perhaps even points in the day where I feel more organic and have even been able to engage with other people without fear and rumination about what I am. In a sense, I feel like I have my foot in the world I lived in for most of my life and a foot in my DP/DR world.
Now for what I believe what we can look for. Ironically, I have found that when I stop looking for some feeling of "normality" and stop thinking about my discomfort I feel the best. When I'm not looking for relief it comes. Usually this comes when I'm engaged in a thought provoking activity or when I'm engaged in a deep conversation or when I'm thinking about one of my interests. I only know that this is my "feeling normal" periods because when I come out of my activity or thought I think, "damn, that is the way I used to interact with the world." My therapist compares my symptoms to trying to row against the current. The more we try to fight the feelings and symptoms the harder we have to work and the more tired and overwhelmed we feel. This metaphor has literal meaning for me because I really do feel tired of having these persistent thoughts about the nature of my existence. She also says though that if we let go of the oars the only direction we can go is downstream, which is where we want to be going. We cannot fight our symptoms forever. It's like trying to fight anything else having to do with the brain and the body. At some point we need to let things run their respective courses. This doesn't mean that we can't advocate for ourselves, but that we don't have to fight what we're going through either. Our symptoms are what they are. But we can't change the fact that we got them. However, we have tremendous amount of power in the way we deal with them. So I'm going to try to keeping my mind active, engaging with other people, and thinking about things that intrigue me and make me happy.
So to sum up what to look for, I would actually say stop looking for the turning point or the light at the end of the tunnel. We put so much pressure on ourselves to solve this and feel better and understand the discomfort and confusion. But let's all give ourselves a break and start living normally again. I totally understand how hard this is and when I'm feeling most alienated from myself and my environment this becomes even harder. But I would definitely recommend at the best part of your day try to give yourself some relief and try less hard. To give examples of what I have done, the first thing I did was I refuse to research what I have. I will not look for a definition, a medical perspective, or even an article about treatment plans. I have chosen to minimize my trips to the forums because it just causes me to focus more on the symptoms. I have also begun to try to allow my feelings of discomfort to just happen. What I mean by that is when I'm feeling odd or strange when I'm out of the house instead of panicking I just try to breathe deeply and think happy thoughts. "I love chocolate. I love basketball. Going to sporting events is fun. I really love working out and going to yoga etc." I also try to spark as many deep conversations as possible or at least conversations that will allow for dialogue. This keeps my mind focused on a topic other than my symptoms as we can't have simultaneous thoughts. Racing thoughts, yes, but not all that the same time. I really believe that we can all recover and a part of the process may be to try a little less hard. I hope this helps and please comment if you feel compelled to share your experience.
As I stated above I have been lucky enough to have felt some progress over the past couple of weeks. Mostly my relief has come in my anxiety, particularly as it pertains my symptoms of DP/DR. The relief of anxiety really does make a difference as to how I've come to view my symptoms and has helped ground me in the sense that I can see my symptoms for what they are and not some unchangeable truth that will forever make me miserable. I can honestly say that at the outset of my symptoms of DP/DR they made me miserable and incredibly uncomfortable. Now, I'd say that my symptoms make me uncomfortable, but that I'm able to manage this discomfort a lot better than before. They don't debilitate me or cause panic. I just take the discomfort for what it is and try to manage the feelings rather than fight them. Having said that I am happy to share that I have had moments and perhaps even points in the day where I feel more organic and have even been able to engage with other people without fear and rumination about what I am. In a sense, I feel like I have my foot in the world I lived in for most of my life and a foot in my DP/DR world.
Now for what I believe what we can look for. Ironically, I have found that when I stop looking for some feeling of "normality" and stop thinking about my discomfort I feel the best. When I'm not looking for relief it comes. Usually this comes when I'm engaged in a thought provoking activity or when I'm engaged in a deep conversation or when I'm thinking about one of my interests. I only know that this is my "feeling normal" periods because when I come out of my activity or thought I think, "damn, that is the way I used to interact with the world." My therapist compares my symptoms to trying to row against the current. The more we try to fight the feelings and symptoms the harder we have to work and the more tired and overwhelmed we feel. This metaphor has literal meaning for me because I really do feel tired of having these persistent thoughts about the nature of my existence. She also says though that if we let go of the oars the only direction we can go is downstream, which is where we want to be going. We cannot fight our symptoms forever. It's like trying to fight anything else having to do with the brain and the body. At some point we need to let things run their respective courses. This doesn't mean that we can't advocate for ourselves, but that we don't have to fight what we're going through either. Our symptoms are what they are. But we can't change the fact that we got them. However, we have tremendous amount of power in the way we deal with them. So I'm going to try to keeping my mind active, engaging with other people, and thinking about things that intrigue me and make me happy.
So to sum up what to look for, I would actually say stop looking for the turning point or the light at the end of the tunnel. We put so much pressure on ourselves to solve this and feel better and understand the discomfort and confusion. But let's all give ourselves a break and start living normally again. I totally understand how hard this is and when I'm feeling most alienated from myself and my environment this becomes even harder. But I would definitely recommend at the best part of your day try to give yourself some relief and try less hard. To give examples of what I have done, the first thing I did was I refuse to research what I have. I will not look for a definition, a medical perspective, or even an article about treatment plans. I have chosen to minimize my trips to the forums because it just causes me to focus more on the symptoms. I have also begun to try to allow my feelings of discomfort to just happen. What I mean by that is when I'm feeling odd or strange when I'm out of the house instead of panicking I just try to breathe deeply and think happy thoughts. "I love chocolate. I love basketball. Going to sporting events is fun. I really love working out and going to yoga etc." I also try to spark as many deep conversations as possible or at least conversations that will allow for dialogue. This keeps my mind focused on a topic other than my symptoms as we can't have simultaneous thoughts. Racing thoughts, yes, but not all that the same time. I really believe that we can all recover and a part of the process may be to try a little less hard. I hope this helps and please comment if you feel compelled to share your experience.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Journal Update and Improvements! (through April 12)
Tuesday April 9, 2013
11:29 amToday has actually gone pretty well anxiety wise. I've had some thoughts about the nature of my existence but it has been comparatively less bothersome.
7:55 pmAs of right now I can't complain too much about my mental and emotional status today. My anxiety has been fairly low if non existent. I haven't spent that much time (at least comparatively) thinking about my existence. I've been at a pretty even keel all day. Nothing super happy like yesterday but I haven't felt awful either. Perhaps the most difficult thing for me right now is grappling with my existence. I feel like I've taken for granted what I am my whole life and never marveled at the whole miracle of it all. These feelings aren't overwhelming as they once were. I still don't feel entirely at ease with my existence or reality but its not a deterrent to my comfort either. I made connections with people today. I talked with an older lady while walking the dog and felt organic and grounded while talking with her. I'm making connections at work by talking sports and starting a pool for the Masters. I made connections with my friend by making weekend plans. It's amazing how much my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness have decreased. I still feel detached from my former self and memories but will thank the high heavens for my improvement. Things are improving though and if this was as good as it got it would certainly be more manageable. One question I've been trying to wrap my mind around is that I could be anything or even nothing. What am I other than the matter that I'm made of? What is the difference between me and other matter in the universe? Other life forms? How do I reconcile with these questions and feelings? How do I feel even more integrated and at peace? How do I be without thinking about being?
9:44 pmFeeling some disconnect from self and memories. Getting that sensation of dual self again. My mind felt like it was racing on my way home. Been having thoughts about existence, autonomy, sense of self.
Wednesday April 10, 2013
7:58 amWoke up feeling a bit detached from self and experience. This isn't as bothersome as it has been in the past but its different from my happy go lucky attitude of Monday. I feel a disconnect from the person I was or thought I was before these symptoms arrived.
1:51 pmToday has remained fairly low anxiety wise. I'm still having those thoughts about what I am and what is the nature of humanity. I'm working on positive thinking today and think its going fairly well. Feeling a little mentally exhausted with reality/consciousness but my prognosis is good and I'm way better off than I was.
11:19 pmOverall today went pretty well. I still feel this disconnect from "my old self." And while I can reconcile with change I still want to feel like my old organic self again. This can happen with some work and changing my thought patterns. I go in and out of my sense of self and consciousness and sense of reality. I have my deeper thoughts where I'm engaged in an activity and then I return to my immediate environment which reminds me of the discomfort.
Thursday April 11, 2013
9:42 amToday continues my trend of lower anxiety days. I'm still feeling discomfort at the thought of my own existence but I've also found a way to manage these feelings. Although I'm confused by these odd thoughts and my notion and concept of time is different my outlook is good right now. I think my therapy is working and my medication is working. I'm proud of myself for not backing down from what has been the most difficult time of my life so far. It reveals my true self in that I have a love for living and a hope for the future.
1:52 pmToday has gone pretty well thus far. Ruminating and anxiety has been low. Talking with coworkers made me feel grounded. Haven't been very concerned with the nature of my being. Have had a little bit of a dream like feeling when I think about my existence. Overall a good day so far though. When I felt anxiety building I allowed it to happen and it passed.
9:08 pmBeen feeling a bit disconnected from myself and my reality for portions of the day. It is particularly noticeable now. It's a lot like whoa I'm really here. This is me. I feel a disconnect from my memories and past experiences. Thinking of myself as more than the matter of which I'm composed is a challenge or uncomfortable. I'm certainly feeling better than in past weeks and these thoughts are less troublesome for me. I'm hoping to not have them anymore though and live organically. Thinking about the day and my actions does feel a bit like a dream.
Friday April 12, 2013
7:37 amWoke up feeling pretty good. I still haven't gotten over the thinking about existence thing but I'm in a pretty good place right now.
12:37 am (Saturday April 13)Overall today was a great day. My concern with reality and existence etc was not as bothersome. Felt more organic and natural. Had periods of DP/DR but found ways through it without panic.
11:29 amToday has actually gone pretty well anxiety wise. I've had some thoughts about the nature of my existence but it has been comparatively less bothersome.
7:55 pmAs of right now I can't complain too much about my mental and emotional status today. My anxiety has been fairly low if non existent. I haven't spent that much time (at least comparatively) thinking about my existence. I've been at a pretty even keel all day. Nothing super happy like yesterday but I haven't felt awful either. Perhaps the most difficult thing for me right now is grappling with my existence. I feel like I've taken for granted what I am my whole life and never marveled at the whole miracle of it all. These feelings aren't overwhelming as they once were. I still don't feel entirely at ease with my existence or reality but its not a deterrent to my comfort either. I made connections with people today. I talked with an older lady while walking the dog and felt organic and grounded while talking with her. I'm making connections at work by talking sports and starting a pool for the Masters. I made connections with my friend by making weekend plans. It's amazing how much my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness have decreased. I still feel detached from my former self and memories but will thank the high heavens for my improvement. Things are improving though and if this was as good as it got it would certainly be more manageable. One question I've been trying to wrap my mind around is that I could be anything or even nothing. What am I other than the matter that I'm made of? What is the difference between me and other matter in the universe? Other life forms? How do I reconcile with these questions and feelings? How do I feel even more integrated and at peace? How do I be without thinking about being?
9:44 pmFeeling some disconnect from self and memories. Getting that sensation of dual self again. My mind felt like it was racing on my way home. Been having thoughts about existence, autonomy, sense of self.
Wednesday April 10, 2013
7:58 amWoke up feeling a bit detached from self and experience. This isn't as bothersome as it has been in the past but its different from my happy go lucky attitude of Monday. I feel a disconnect from the person I was or thought I was before these symptoms arrived.
1:51 pmToday has remained fairly low anxiety wise. I'm still having those thoughts about what I am and what is the nature of humanity. I'm working on positive thinking today and think its going fairly well. Feeling a little mentally exhausted with reality/consciousness but my prognosis is good and I'm way better off than I was.
11:19 pmOverall today went pretty well. I still feel this disconnect from "my old self." And while I can reconcile with change I still want to feel like my old organic self again. This can happen with some work and changing my thought patterns. I go in and out of my sense of self and consciousness and sense of reality. I have my deeper thoughts where I'm engaged in an activity and then I return to my immediate environment which reminds me of the discomfort.
Thursday April 11, 2013
9:42 amToday continues my trend of lower anxiety days. I'm still feeling discomfort at the thought of my own existence but I've also found a way to manage these feelings. Although I'm confused by these odd thoughts and my notion and concept of time is different my outlook is good right now. I think my therapy is working and my medication is working. I'm proud of myself for not backing down from what has been the most difficult time of my life so far. It reveals my true self in that I have a love for living and a hope for the future.
1:52 pmToday has gone pretty well thus far. Ruminating and anxiety has been low. Talking with coworkers made me feel grounded. Haven't been very concerned with the nature of my being. Have had a little bit of a dream like feeling when I think about my existence. Overall a good day so far though. When I felt anxiety building I allowed it to happen and it passed.
9:08 pmBeen feeling a bit disconnected from myself and my reality for portions of the day. It is particularly noticeable now. It's a lot like whoa I'm really here. This is me. I feel a disconnect from my memories and past experiences. Thinking of myself as more than the matter of which I'm composed is a challenge or uncomfortable. I'm certainly feeling better than in past weeks and these thoughts are less troublesome for me. I'm hoping to not have them anymore though and live organically. Thinking about the day and my actions does feel a bit like a dream.
Friday April 12, 2013
7:37 amWoke up feeling pretty good. I still haven't gotten over the thinking about existence thing but I'm in a pretty good place right now.
12:37 am (Saturday April 13)Overall today was a great day. My concern with reality and existence etc was not as bothersome. Felt more organic and natural. Had periods of DP/DR but found ways through it without panic.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The Power of Positive Thinking
Hello again, and thank you for taking the time to read my blog and my experiences as I work toward not only recovering, but also becoming a "better person" along the way. I have been blessed to work not only with my therapist, but my partner's therapist has also agreed to spend some time working with me and I would like to share some of the ideas she has taught me. Dr. Smith has decades of experience in the field of mental health and has been not only a strong advocate for the power of positive thinking, but also the benefits of meditation in her clients' lives. **Please note this is not her real name, but figured it might be easier to read the post without the constant stream of "he" "she" statements** Given that her practice is still strong after so many years, I think it's safe to say that her methods have been effective and I have the fullest confidence that if I stick with her contributions to my recovery that I will have the opportunity to enjoy and reap the rewards of life more than ever before.
During my most recent therapy session with Dr. Smith I had the opportunity to share the improvement that I have felt in recent weeks as far as anxiety goes and my attitude towards my experience with DP/DR. Although I still feel confusion and discomfort regarding my existence, my capacity to form thoughts, my physical being, and the notion of time, I have also begun to manage the discomfort in a manner that is more healthy and conducive to a happy and successful life. At the same time I am not content with where I am at as far as my long term outlook goes. I still want to experience the world without ruminating about so many of the details and I want to feel organic and integrated with my body again. However, I am committed to having patience in that this is a process and I will continue to gather and implement the collective wisdom of my therapist and that of Dr. Smith.
Yesterday, Dr. Smith introduced to me a flow chart of sorts that describes the connection between thought, feelings, and "states of being." Essentially, positive thoughts lead to positive feelings, which in turn creates a state of being of "allowing" or "deliberate manifestation." Similarly, negative thoughts create negative feelings, which in turn creates a state of being of "resistance" or "reaction/reckless manifestation." Dr. Smith contends that it is impossible to have positive feelings that derive from negative thoughts and likewise one cannot have negative feelings from positive thoughts. One must follow the other according to her teachings. To quell the skeptical student, she did say that negative thoughts can and do creep into the mind even after positive thoughts, but that this should not take away from the link between thoughts and feelings. The negative thought is a separate entity from the positive one just as the negative feeling is a separate entity from the positive one.
The brilliant and encouraging part of all of this is that we have control over our thoughts. She proved it by telling me to observe the bottle of Windex on her coffee table. She told me to look at the lettering, the color of the liquid, the words on the front, and the shape. And indeed she was right, my focus turned entirely to the Windex even though I was completely enraptured with her discussion of positive thinking. I will also concede that given that Dr. Smith's profession deals primarily with the human mind that she will not make generalizations about the mind without a great deal of scientific and anecdotal evidence to support this (again this is to quell the skeptical learner). In short, Dr. Smith said that we actually have a great amount of control over our feelings and state of being as a byproduct of being able to control our thoughts. This notion will be quite helpful in my recovery in that I have had a difficult time understanding my own autonomy and have often felt automated in my actions and deeds. I also know that other people who experience symptoms of DP/DR have shared the same feelings, so I think that this concept can be quite helpful in the recovery of others as well.
To sum up how Dr. Smith's concept of positive thinking can be applied right this moment, I will start by saying that if you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one. For example, if you are wondering about the nature of your existence as I often do, try to replace that thought with how much you love your favorite food. Go into detail about why you love that food. Who makes that food the best? What are good restaurants for that food in your town? Does your family have a recipe for that food? Are there any destinations around the country that make that food well? Even in the most negative of frameworks there are still limitless possibilities to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. This will take some time as Dr. Smith said that her clients are often amazed by how many negative or worrying thoughts they have every single day. When you actually start to recognize how prevalent your negative thoughts are you can start to change them. Again this will be more difficult for some people as negative thinking is a deeply ingrained habit for many people. If you simply cannot replace the negative thought with a positive one start with neutral thoughts ie. "the couch is comfortable, it has soft cushions, I have enjoyed taking naps on it, I watch TV on the couch, my dog sits on it with me etc." This will help get the ball rolling. Again, I cannot stress enough my belief that recovery is possible. It does take some time and effort, but keep hope and trust the process that you're going through. Every life is a miracle and a blessing, especially yours!
During my most recent therapy session with Dr. Smith I had the opportunity to share the improvement that I have felt in recent weeks as far as anxiety goes and my attitude towards my experience with DP/DR. Although I still feel confusion and discomfort regarding my existence, my capacity to form thoughts, my physical being, and the notion of time, I have also begun to manage the discomfort in a manner that is more healthy and conducive to a happy and successful life. At the same time I am not content with where I am at as far as my long term outlook goes. I still want to experience the world without ruminating about so many of the details and I want to feel organic and integrated with my body again. However, I am committed to having patience in that this is a process and I will continue to gather and implement the collective wisdom of my therapist and that of Dr. Smith.
Yesterday, Dr. Smith introduced to me a flow chart of sorts that describes the connection between thought, feelings, and "states of being." Essentially, positive thoughts lead to positive feelings, which in turn creates a state of being of "allowing" or "deliberate manifestation." Similarly, negative thoughts create negative feelings, which in turn creates a state of being of "resistance" or "reaction/reckless manifestation." Dr. Smith contends that it is impossible to have positive feelings that derive from negative thoughts and likewise one cannot have negative feelings from positive thoughts. One must follow the other according to her teachings. To quell the skeptical student, she did say that negative thoughts can and do creep into the mind even after positive thoughts, but that this should not take away from the link between thoughts and feelings. The negative thought is a separate entity from the positive one just as the negative feeling is a separate entity from the positive one.
The brilliant and encouraging part of all of this is that we have control over our thoughts. She proved it by telling me to observe the bottle of Windex on her coffee table. She told me to look at the lettering, the color of the liquid, the words on the front, and the shape. And indeed she was right, my focus turned entirely to the Windex even though I was completely enraptured with her discussion of positive thinking. I will also concede that given that Dr. Smith's profession deals primarily with the human mind that she will not make generalizations about the mind without a great deal of scientific and anecdotal evidence to support this (again this is to quell the skeptical learner). In short, Dr. Smith said that we actually have a great amount of control over our feelings and state of being as a byproduct of being able to control our thoughts. This notion will be quite helpful in my recovery in that I have had a difficult time understanding my own autonomy and have often felt automated in my actions and deeds. I also know that other people who experience symptoms of DP/DR have shared the same feelings, so I think that this concept can be quite helpful in the recovery of others as well.
To sum up how Dr. Smith's concept of positive thinking can be applied right this moment, I will start by saying that if you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one. For example, if you are wondering about the nature of your existence as I often do, try to replace that thought with how much you love your favorite food. Go into detail about why you love that food. Who makes that food the best? What are good restaurants for that food in your town? Does your family have a recipe for that food? Are there any destinations around the country that make that food well? Even in the most negative of frameworks there are still limitless possibilities to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. This will take some time as Dr. Smith said that her clients are often amazed by how many negative or worrying thoughts they have every single day. When you actually start to recognize how prevalent your negative thoughts are you can start to change them. Again this will be more difficult for some people as negative thinking is a deeply ingrained habit for many people. If you simply cannot replace the negative thought with a positive one start with neutral thoughts ie. "the couch is comfortable, it has soft cushions, I have enjoyed taking naps on it, I watch TV on the couch, my dog sits on it with me etc." This will help get the ball rolling. Again, I cannot stress enough my belief that recovery is possible. It does take some time and effort, but keep hope and trust the process that you're going through. Every life is a miracle and a blessing, especially yours!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Journal Insight (April 4-8) Good news!
Thurs April 4, 2013
157 pmI'd say overall my symptoms seem to have improved. My anxiety has been fairly low today though I'm starting to feel a bit anxious now. I still don't feel organic as I once did. I have that robotic or mechanized feeling again. Physical space and mass has been troubling a bit today. Having some trouble just being. I do feel good about my future though and did actually get some work done today. Pretty good so far. Meditated in the morning and twice yesterday. Eager to experience the positive benefits.
1200 am (April 5)Some good things and not some good things about today. Anxiety level was comparatively low but still struggling with what am I. Living organically again has yet to happen but it will. Recovering takes time, but boy am I thankful to at least witness some improvement.
Friday April 5, 2013
7:54 amWoke up in a decidedly better place than I have been in the past. Haven't spent much time thinking about my existence. Anxiety seems fairly low though I have a bit of shortness of breath. My attitude and disposition seem better as well.
1:52 pmI feel hopeful right now about the ability to live organically again. My mood was pretty good on the way to work. I was able to listen to classic rock for the first time in a while. I mediated and had a great yoga session earlier. I don't seem to be as bothered by this amazement by self. Though I don't feel entirely organic and integrated right now. I still have somewhat of the feeling or sensation of being an observer of myself. My anxiety has been fairly low today. Perhaps meditation? My outlook seems better. Definitely a step in the right direction. I'm excited about my future. That St. Francis prayer is really powerful by the way.
8:58 pmStarted to feel tight around the time I got out of work at six. This made my partner anxious when I picked her up and caused tension and hostility between us. This in turn made me more anxious. We went to the dog park though I was fairly anxious and looking around a lot...fidgety. Came home and meditated and felt a bit better anxiety wise. Starting to ruminate and worry about my consciousness and autonomy. I find it so weird this whole notion of life. One thing I can recognize is the fact that I'm surrounded mostly by a world of people who live their lives not thinking about this stuff or at least not letting it ruin their time on earth. This says to me that this is a solvable problem and not an unchangeable truth and reality. My thoughts and thought processes have gotten messed up a bit and I will do my due diligence to solve the problems I'm facing. Remember many people who share my symptoms are miserable throughout the entire day and while I have a certain level of discomfort throughout the day it's not all encompassing as of late and certainly not today. So if there were a scale of my symptoms I'm probably not all the way on the really bad end of it even if I am uncomfortable and the symptoms are quite confusing. One things I hope to address or work towards improving is this disconnect I feel to myself prior to feeling these symptoms. I feel like I'm waking up into my life several times throughout the day and its disconcerting. I have had these feelings before in the past but I would snap out of it. I just need some proof somewhere somehow that there is a link between the person I was in September and the person I am now. Because I truly feel, and feel being the operative word, such a disconnect from myself or at least the self I thought I was. And if not the person I thought I was than the person who made it to December of last year without these symptoms and who didn't worry about feeling integrated and real etc. I do feel hopeful though. Perhaps a bit impatient at this very moment though I think I've been very patient throughout this whole process despite the discomfort and despite forgetting at times who I am and what I am looking to return to. Remember I am very proud of the fact that my will to leave is so strong that I've put the effort I have into feeling good, feeling connected to myself and my environment, feeling grounded, and being able to enjoy life like I once did and hopefully enjoy it in a way that I have never before. I wish there was someone who could explain his or her recovery and how they came to feel integrated again. Earlier today felt so much better though and it really helped with my mood and symptoms.
Saturday April 6, 2013
12:42 pmI have had an ok day. I felt best during yoga, during meditation, a little after meditation and a little at the dog park. My anxiety is more noticeable than it was during the day yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night partly due to temperature and partly due to anxiety. I haven't taken an Ativan since 8:00 pm on Thursday which is encouraging. I suppose I could take one because it would give me comfort but I want to see if I can relax without it. I'm still having difficulty feeling organic and natural without these thoughts of what am I. And the thoughts about me just being a big mass of carbon etc. who eats, sleeps, etc. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what drives my actions which causes me to feel a bit automated. I will try to not resist these feelings and allow them to happen. These feelings are necessary for me to become who I am and will be. Sometimes difficult times and discomfort provide rewarding results. Ultimately I'm better off and more hopeful than I was in January. This is a blessing because it could be worse and I am feeling better.
3:48 pmThe last hour has been the high point of the day. My positive feelings started when I went to the dog park for the second time. Negative thoughts have mostly ceased. Still feel a disconnect from my memories and my past but I'm less bothered by them right now.
Sunday April 7, 2013
11:15 pmToday actually went pretty well anxiety wise. I had some peeks and some pits but overall I think I managed the pits when they came up. I had thoughts throughout the day about my existence but not as much as in past days. I had the feelings of observing myself today but I found myself better able to manage it. Overall a successful weekend and better than last weekend. Had some moments of enjoyment and felt rally good after dinner last night. I made jokes, laughed, found myself engaged. I've made it three whole days without taking Ativan. I felt excited about the future. I felt a bit more integrated at times and even found myself enjoying more things.
Monday April 8, 2013
1:50 pmToday has been a really awesome day thus far. My anxiety level has been lower. The best way to describe it is I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Even my symptoms of DP/DR have been less noticeable and bothersome. I almost feel organic today and certainly more hopeful and excited for the future. Living isn't confusing and painful like it was before. I'm so very grateful for this relief.
7:48 pmToday has overall been a really awesome day. My mood has been excellent. I haven't really been fearful or uncomfortable. I'm still wondering about my existence and my autonomy and what am I but its less bothersome. I would still live to feel more organic but am incredibly grateful for the marked improvement I feel.
157 pmI'd say overall my symptoms seem to have improved. My anxiety has been fairly low today though I'm starting to feel a bit anxious now. I still don't feel organic as I once did. I have that robotic or mechanized feeling again. Physical space and mass has been troubling a bit today. Having some trouble just being. I do feel good about my future though and did actually get some work done today. Pretty good so far. Meditated in the morning and twice yesterday. Eager to experience the positive benefits.
1200 am (April 5)Some good things and not some good things about today. Anxiety level was comparatively low but still struggling with what am I. Living organically again has yet to happen but it will. Recovering takes time, but boy am I thankful to at least witness some improvement.
Friday April 5, 2013
7:54 amWoke up in a decidedly better place than I have been in the past. Haven't spent much time thinking about my existence. Anxiety seems fairly low though I have a bit of shortness of breath. My attitude and disposition seem better as well.
1:52 pmI feel hopeful right now about the ability to live organically again. My mood was pretty good on the way to work. I was able to listen to classic rock for the first time in a while. I mediated and had a great yoga session earlier. I don't seem to be as bothered by this amazement by self. Though I don't feel entirely organic and integrated right now. I still have somewhat of the feeling or sensation of being an observer of myself. My anxiety has been fairly low today. Perhaps meditation? My outlook seems better. Definitely a step in the right direction. I'm excited about my future. That St. Francis prayer is really powerful by the way.
8:58 pmStarted to feel tight around the time I got out of work at six. This made my partner anxious when I picked her up and caused tension and hostility between us. This in turn made me more anxious. We went to the dog park though I was fairly anxious and looking around a lot...fidgety. Came home and meditated and felt a bit better anxiety wise. Starting to ruminate and worry about my consciousness and autonomy. I find it so weird this whole notion of life. One thing I can recognize is the fact that I'm surrounded mostly by a world of people who live their lives not thinking about this stuff or at least not letting it ruin their time on earth. This says to me that this is a solvable problem and not an unchangeable truth and reality. My thoughts and thought processes have gotten messed up a bit and I will do my due diligence to solve the problems I'm facing. Remember many people who share my symptoms are miserable throughout the entire day and while I have a certain level of discomfort throughout the day it's not all encompassing as of late and certainly not today. So if there were a scale of my symptoms I'm probably not all the way on the really bad end of it even if I am uncomfortable and the symptoms are quite confusing. One things I hope to address or work towards improving is this disconnect I feel to myself prior to feeling these symptoms. I feel like I'm waking up into my life several times throughout the day and its disconcerting. I have had these feelings before in the past but I would snap out of it. I just need some proof somewhere somehow that there is a link between the person I was in September and the person I am now. Because I truly feel, and feel being the operative word, such a disconnect from myself or at least the self I thought I was. And if not the person I thought I was than the person who made it to December of last year without these symptoms and who didn't worry about feeling integrated and real etc. I do feel hopeful though. Perhaps a bit impatient at this very moment though I think I've been very patient throughout this whole process despite the discomfort and despite forgetting at times who I am and what I am looking to return to. Remember I am very proud of the fact that my will to leave is so strong that I've put the effort I have into feeling good, feeling connected to myself and my environment, feeling grounded, and being able to enjoy life like I once did and hopefully enjoy it in a way that I have never before. I wish there was someone who could explain his or her recovery and how they came to feel integrated again. Earlier today felt so much better though and it really helped with my mood and symptoms.
Saturday April 6, 2013
12:42 pmI have had an ok day. I felt best during yoga, during meditation, a little after meditation and a little at the dog park. My anxiety is more noticeable than it was during the day yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night partly due to temperature and partly due to anxiety. I haven't taken an Ativan since 8:00 pm on Thursday which is encouraging. I suppose I could take one because it would give me comfort but I want to see if I can relax without it. I'm still having difficulty feeling organic and natural without these thoughts of what am I. And the thoughts about me just being a big mass of carbon etc. who eats, sleeps, etc. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what drives my actions which causes me to feel a bit automated. I will try to not resist these feelings and allow them to happen. These feelings are necessary for me to become who I am and will be. Sometimes difficult times and discomfort provide rewarding results. Ultimately I'm better off and more hopeful than I was in January. This is a blessing because it could be worse and I am feeling better.
3:48 pmThe last hour has been the high point of the day. My positive feelings started when I went to the dog park for the second time. Negative thoughts have mostly ceased. Still feel a disconnect from my memories and my past but I'm less bothered by them right now.
Sunday April 7, 2013
11:15 pmToday actually went pretty well anxiety wise. I had some peeks and some pits but overall I think I managed the pits when they came up. I had thoughts throughout the day about my existence but not as much as in past days. I had the feelings of observing myself today but I found myself better able to manage it. Overall a successful weekend and better than last weekend. Had some moments of enjoyment and felt rally good after dinner last night. I made jokes, laughed, found myself engaged. I've made it three whole days without taking Ativan. I felt excited about the future. I felt a bit more integrated at times and even found myself enjoying more things.
Monday April 8, 2013
1:50 pmToday has been a really awesome day thus far. My anxiety level has been lower. The best way to describe it is I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Even my symptoms of DP/DR have been less noticeable and bothersome. I almost feel organic today and certainly more hopeful and excited for the future. Living isn't confusing and painful like it was before. I'm so very grateful for this relief.
7:48 pmToday has overall been a really awesome day. My mood has been excellent. I haven't really been fearful or uncomfortable. I'm still wondering about my existence and my autonomy and what am I but its less bothersome. I would still live to feel more organic but am incredibly grateful for the marked improvement I feel.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Advocate for Yourself
I am happy to share that I have been feeling much better the last couple of days. I was prescribed Ativan for anxiety and as I am writing this I have not taken a dose for nearly three days. This is after close to a month of taking it daily. I only share this tidbit because my greatest source of anxiety has naturally been the feelings of discomfort toward my symptoms of DP/DR. To be able to get through the day without the added medication has been an important milestone for me on my road to recovering.
One thing I have learned this week comes from the feedback my partner gave to me. She said that she admires how I have advocated for myself since experiencing these symptoms. The disconnect that I have felt from myself (as I knew it before) as well as the detachment I feel from my environment initially compelled me to withdraw even further into myself and mire in the discomfort and negative thinking. However, recently I have been taking a more proactive approach to recovering and feeling better. I cannot stress how important it is to reach out for help in any way you know how. I think this is important because it both helps form connections with others and subsequently "ground you" and it helps shoulder some of the work we have to do to recover. No one should be ashamed of these feelings or embarrassed to share them with others. I have shared my symptoms with my friends, my partner, my parents, my partner's parents and anyone I think should know about it. I have also shared this with my therapist and sought out the services of a psychiatrist to help me along. I attend yoga regularly and have started to meditate twice a day for 20 minutes per session. I have been going to the dog park as frequently as possible. In one of the self help books I read it says that attitude follows action, meaning that the more you do to try to improve the better you will feel. I can assure you that this has been the case for me. Please do not mistake my optimism as my not feeling bad at times or still feeling the DP/DR for most of the day. This is not the case. However, the more I have done as far as reaching out for help the less my symptoms have bothered me.
I have felt hopeless. I have felt defeated. I have felt so incredibly overwhelmed with my symptoms that I did not know what to do. But please remember that these are symptoms. They do not have to last forever and we can all live fulfilled and enriched lives. I still have doubts at times, but we can get better and we can overcome any obstacle. Even the smallest little form of self advocacy can go a long way. I have never been a "scheduled person," but what I have found is that when I started writing out what I will do every minute of the day I can hold myself accountable for recovery. It prevents me from sitting around worrying about my symptoms all of the time. This is not to say that I feel completely integrated when I share my feelings with friends, or when I go to therapy or the dog park. However, I do know that in order to live the life I want to live I can not retreat within myself. It does not help. It is important to remember, what is the worst that could happen? Really, what is the worst thing? No matter how uncomfortable we feel we can still live and breathe and advocate for ourselves. It has worked for me and if you notice the journal entries I have been posting, my symptoms are improving and if not that I am certainly less bothered by them. Stay strong. Be hopeful. Advocate for yourself. We are all worth it and we can all make ourselves and the world a better than ever.
One thing I have learned this week comes from the feedback my partner gave to me. She said that she admires how I have advocated for myself since experiencing these symptoms. The disconnect that I have felt from myself (as I knew it before) as well as the detachment I feel from my environment initially compelled me to withdraw even further into myself and mire in the discomfort and negative thinking. However, recently I have been taking a more proactive approach to recovering and feeling better. I cannot stress how important it is to reach out for help in any way you know how. I think this is important because it both helps form connections with others and subsequently "ground you" and it helps shoulder some of the work we have to do to recover. No one should be ashamed of these feelings or embarrassed to share them with others. I have shared my symptoms with my friends, my partner, my parents, my partner's parents and anyone I think should know about it. I have also shared this with my therapist and sought out the services of a psychiatrist to help me along. I attend yoga regularly and have started to meditate twice a day for 20 minutes per session. I have been going to the dog park as frequently as possible. In one of the self help books I read it says that attitude follows action, meaning that the more you do to try to improve the better you will feel. I can assure you that this has been the case for me. Please do not mistake my optimism as my not feeling bad at times or still feeling the DP/DR for most of the day. This is not the case. However, the more I have done as far as reaching out for help the less my symptoms have bothered me.
I have felt hopeless. I have felt defeated. I have felt so incredibly overwhelmed with my symptoms that I did not know what to do. But please remember that these are symptoms. They do not have to last forever and we can all live fulfilled and enriched lives. I still have doubts at times, but we can get better and we can overcome any obstacle. Even the smallest little form of self advocacy can go a long way. I have never been a "scheduled person," but what I have found is that when I started writing out what I will do every minute of the day I can hold myself accountable for recovery. It prevents me from sitting around worrying about my symptoms all of the time. This is not to say that I feel completely integrated when I share my feelings with friends, or when I go to therapy or the dog park. However, I do know that in order to live the life I want to live I can not retreat within myself. It does not help. It is important to remember, what is the worst that could happen? Really, what is the worst thing? No matter how uncomfortable we feel we can still live and breathe and advocate for ourselves. It has worked for me and if you notice the journal entries I have been posting, my symptoms are improving and if not that I am certainly less bothered by them. Stay strong. Be hopeful. Advocate for yourself. We are all worth it and we can all make ourselves and the world a better than ever.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Journal Thoughts (through April 3)
Thursday March 28 2013130 pm Feeling ok today. Shortness off breath but my anxiety hasn't been terrible. Have felt brief surges of relief which is opposed to the big boulder of anxiety I've been carrying for the past few months. Also I have this sense that everything is one and there's no distinction between me and the rest of existence. This is disturbing to me.
406 pm Starting to feel like I'm coming out of the funk and by funk I mean this detachment from self and the feelings of DPAFU. It's not a complete or even a notable change, however I think I'm noticing something is better. Still grappling with existence, being, reality, consciousness etc. but I think I'm feeling a little better off than I was.
600 pm Been feeling pretty good I think. It feels like a surge of positive energy. It's been so long since I've felt positive energy I think I confused it for anxiety. Still ruminating about my existence though. I also want to note that due to the nature of my confusion and recent experiences I do fear that I may lose control of myself? Is this justified? How do I know I won't? How do I prevent this? I suppose I've also thought this during normal times as well.
Friday March 29, 2013
936 am Having a decent morning. I felt a little anxious when I woke up but it has subsided a little when I did yoga and became preoccupied with duties at work. Still feel disconnect between mind, body, and a discomfort with existence. I'm slightly bothered by the fact that we don't have a choice in existence. Not that I'm complaining but it's something to think about. I want to feel natural and integrated into myself and my environment again. I know it seems rather egotistical or arrogant, but I wonder if my experience is unique and more importantly I wonder if its something I will get through and feel better or at least as good as I once did. I suppose in this recreation of self or finding of self I'm afraid of what I might become or what I am. I'm afraid that what's in store for me will be uncomfortable or Ill be dissatisfied with the results. Is this all there is to life? Feeding the body, sleeping, stretching, exercise, bodily functions? Is there an integrated self or are we just brains with bodies?
802 pm It's funny what a subtle little sh*t this condition or whatever you want to call what I'm going through is. As I think I'm starting to come out of it or overcome it a bit I'm starting to realize that part of the obstacle in my way is/was all or nothing thinking. What I mean is that I have this idea of what life used to be like for me and mind you I use the word idea and my whole goal since starting to feel this way has been to overcome it or to not feel this way anymore. And while the "learning experience" perspective is relevant, usefully, and likely imperative for success and growth I think what gets lost in that viewpoint is the fact that maybe this is a perspective issue or even maybe there's some benefit to being in this circumstance and not just getting past it but learning while living with it. Granted I want to feel comfortable just being again but that doesn't mean that this isn't completely awful. I want to learn what there is to be learned from all of this but it's just so darn uncomfortable for so much of the time. As I'm writing right now I either feel really anxious or better. Or both? I'm not sure but I want to know if there's a way to feel my mind my body and my experience to be integrated again?
Saturday March 30,20131:09 pm I have had the feeling of detachment from myself and my surroundings for much of the day.
11:49 pmI'd say overall today was a pretty good day. I feel good about the fact that I was able to offer some insight to other people who are struggling with what I'm struggling with. I'd say there was a level of anxiety for much of the day particularly as it relates to wondering what I am. I'm having a difficult time feeling organic again but I'm grateful for having a pretty good day.
Sunday March 31, 20132:49 pm Today has been a pretty good day as far as anxiety goes. I woke up feeling very anxious. I tried breathing and thinking of positive memories. I went to church and felt slightly integrated with the surroundings but still have feelings of wonderment about my reality and consciousness. I feel disconnected from my memory and my memories. It's almost like I feel like I'm experiencing consciousness for the first time several times throughout the day. It's odd and counterintuitive but its how I feel. There's also a disconnection from my environment almost as if everything before my eyes is a movie. This is an opportunity to learn though and an opportunity to work on being calm and just feeling.
10:42 pm I think I can say I'm feeling better in a lot of ways. It's odd because I still feel a certain unease about my whole existence but not in the same way that I used to. I think I might even feel hopeful that I can live a "normal" life again. Mostly, I'm exhausted from this incessant thinking about what am I. Consciousness is exhausting. Is that true for other people? Even though I'm starting to think I might come out on the other end of this thing ok I think I'm still going to have to have some resolution about this topic of death ie my own death ie the opposite of consciousness. This is an age old problem for me but I think somehow is tied into this. Making it through today has been easier by thinking of my feelings as symptoms. It doesn't change my awe of consciousness or questioning about what I am or what is the true nature of humans. But I think I'm doing a little better than I was. I'm certainly here now whatever now is but I do have this disconnect from time. It feels like I will be older before I know it and my past and memories feel like they didn't happen to me. My schema feels a little messed up even though my memory is pretty solid about a lot of things. I often get this sensation of being conscious for the first time. Overall I can count today as a success. Anxiety lessened at many points of the day. I felt a little more comfortable just being. I have been anxious about timeliness and have been feeling anger at times. I think it's an anxiety thing for me because stillness causes me some unease. Thankful to make it through another day alive and seemingly a little better.
Monday April 1, 2013
11:50 amI am actually feeling pretty good today. I still feel a certain detachment today but its not as intense or worrisome. Granted the weather is gorgeous but I feel reminded of what it feels to be human again. This is a tricky little condition because so much of it is tied up in perception and thought processes in addition to anxiety. Anxiety is an unbelievably powerful tool of the human brain and woe be the person who doesn't address it. I should have been doing a lot of this stuff years ago. One thing I'm wondering is how do I transition from recovery me to recovered me? I have hope today and even the sense that I may come out of this better. I'm so proud of the fact that I didn't back down that I haven't given up and that I have taken an approach that will make me a better person. I think I may not have had a concept of happiness or enlightenment but I have to admit this is a somewhat spiritual journey and that happiness is attainable and way different than anything I ever conceived it to be.
153 pmMy feelings of relative calm have maintained to this point in the day. I've been a bit more integrated as I once was. My general outlook feels a bit better.
Tuesday April 2, 2013
2:22 pmI have felt less anxious today. I'm still having some discomfort around my own existence but a little less than before. Felt pretty tight/anxious between 230 and 3. One thing I've noticed in my improvements is the ability to be comfortably uncomfortable.
Wednesday April 3, 2013
8:28 amBeen feeling a certain disconnect the last day or so. When I say disconnect I mean I wonder who am I and what controls my actions. I certainly feel less organic than I once did. I long to just be without the added stress of wondering what I am.
9:56 amBeen feeling pretty anxious for past twenty minutes. Don't know if its nerves (excitement) about therapy or that negative anxiety I've been feeling.
1049 pmIt's the end of yet another day. It had its ups and its downs. I felt really anxious at certain points but did make it through the day. Honestly though I feel like the anxiety can be managed as its a familiar for so to speak. But the wondering about what am I and the ruminations about autonomy and my not feeling organic is quite puzzling. I suspect, and this would be an educated guess, that returning to that organic feeling again will be so subtle that I won't even notice it. Undoubtedly, these feelings and symptoms won't last forever as we all die some day (which I think is part of my problem). What's more scary than consciousness you ask? Oh yea, perpetual lack thereof. Given that everyone deals with the whole their own death thing I think I can get over it even though my own death has been a source of anxiety for me for as long as I can remember. I can't help but think that there is a link between my feelings about my death and my feelings about my life. In some ways am I saying to myself what's all the fuss about, this whole life thing? What is it anyway? I also suspect that my inner self, my true self, is saying I don't know but it's worth fighting for. That's why I put all this effort into this. It's a truly complex problem, with what I would bet a simple answer. I will continue to go through each day doing what I can to improve. We should all live as such actually. Honestly I don't care about the why I am experiencing what I am. Let someone else worry about that. I just want a shovel and a blueprint and ill dig myself out. I want to get on with my life. I want to enjoy things again. I want my internal dialogue to not worry about what I am. I want my internal dialogue to focus outward in the sense of helping others. The oddest thing about these feelings is that I have a sense of dual self...not dual personalities or different voices but a dual existence so to speak. I have the me that feels like he's shuffling through the day and then I have the person who has lived the whole rest of his life. That guy doesn't feel present all that much anymore. When people say they feel like a robot I want them to mean it in as close to a literal sense as possible. Overall I can attest to improvement. Certainly I am light years ahead of where I was in January. I still want to reach my goals though. I will be patient and I will learn from this and I have a great life to look forward to.
406 pm Starting to feel like I'm coming out of the funk and by funk I mean this detachment from self and the feelings of DPAFU. It's not a complete or even a notable change, however I think I'm noticing something is better. Still grappling with existence, being, reality, consciousness etc. but I think I'm feeling a little better off than I was.
600 pm Been feeling pretty good I think. It feels like a surge of positive energy. It's been so long since I've felt positive energy I think I confused it for anxiety. Still ruminating about my existence though. I also want to note that due to the nature of my confusion and recent experiences I do fear that I may lose control of myself? Is this justified? How do I know I won't? How do I prevent this? I suppose I've also thought this during normal times as well.
Friday March 29, 2013
936 am Having a decent morning. I felt a little anxious when I woke up but it has subsided a little when I did yoga and became preoccupied with duties at work. Still feel disconnect between mind, body, and a discomfort with existence. I'm slightly bothered by the fact that we don't have a choice in existence. Not that I'm complaining but it's something to think about. I want to feel natural and integrated into myself and my environment again. I know it seems rather egotistical or arrogant, but I wonder if my experience is unique and more importantly I wonder if its something I will get through and feel better or at least as good as I once did. I suppose in this recreation of self or finding of self I'm afraid of what I might become or what I am. I'm afraid that what's in store for me will be uncomfortable or Ill be dissatisfied with the results. Is this all there is to life? Feeding the body, sleeping, stretching, exercise, bodily functions? Is there an integrated self or are we just brains with bodies?
802 pm It's funny what a subtle little sh*t this condition or whatever you want to call what I'm going through is. As I think I'm starting to come out of it or overcome it a bit I'm starting to realize that part of the obstacle in my way is/was all or nothing thinking. What I mean is that I have this idea of what life used to be like for me and mind you I use the word idea and my whole goal since starting to feel this way has been to overcome it or to not feel this way anymore. And while the "learning experience" perspective is relevant, usefully, and likely imperative for success and growth I think what gets lost in that viewpoint is the fact that maybe this is a perspective issue or even maybe there's some benefit to being in this circumstance and not just getting past it but learning while living with it. Granted I want to feel comfortable just being again but that doesn't mean that this isn't completely awful. I want to learn what there is to be learned from all of this but it's just so darn uncomfortable for so much of the time. As I'm writing right now I either feel really anxious or better. Or both? I'm not sure but I want to know if there's a way to feel my mind my body and my experience to be integrated again?
Saturday March 30,20131:09 pm I have had the feeling of detachment from myself and my surroundings for much of the day.
11:49 pmI'd say overall today was a pretty good day. I feel good about the fact that I was able to offer some insight to other people who are struggling with what I'm struggling with. I'd say there was a level of anxiety for much of the day particularly as it relates to wondering what I am. I'm having a difficult time feeling organic again but I'm grateful for having a pretty good day.
Sunday March 31, 20132:49 pm Today has been a pretty good day as far as anxiety goes. I woke up feeling very anxious. I tried breathing and thinking of positive memories. I went to church and felt slightly integrated with the surroundings but still have feelings of wonderment about my reality and consciousness. I feel disconnected from my memory and my memories. It's almost like I feel like I'm experiencing consciousness for the first time several times throughout the day. It's odd and counterintuitive but its how I feel. There's also a disconnection from my environment almost as if everything before my eyes is a movie. This is an opportunity to learn though and an opportunity to work on being calm and just feeling.
10:42 pm I think I can say I'm feeling better in a lot of ways. It's odd because I still feel a certain unease about my whole existence but not in the same way that I used to. I think I might even feel hopeful that I can live a "normal" life again. Mostly, I'm exhausted from this incessant thinking about what am I. Consciousness is exhausting. Is that true for other people? Even though I'm starting to think I might come out on the other end of this thing ok I think I'm still going to have to have some resolution about this topic of death ie my own death ie the opposite of consciousness. This is an age old problem for me but I think somehow is tied into this. Making it through today has been easier by thinking of my feelings as symptoms. It doesn't change my awe of consciousness or questioning about what I am or what is the true nature of humans. But I think I'm doing a little better than I was. I'm certainly here now whatever now is but I do have this disconnect from time. It feels like I will be older before I know it and my past and memories feel like they didn't happen to me. My schema feels a little messed up even though my memory is pretty solid about a lot of things. I often get this sensation of being conscious for the first time. Overall I can count today as a success. Anxiety lessened at many points of the day. I felt a little more comfortable just being. I have been anxious about timeliness and have been feeling anger at times. I think it's an anxiety thing for me because stillness causes me some unease. Thankful to make it through another day alive and seemingly a little better.
Monday April 1, 2013
11:50 amI am actually feeling pretty good today. I still feel a certain detachment today but its not as intense or worrisome. Granted the weather is gorgeous but I feel reminded of what it feels to be human again. This is a tricky little condition because so much of it is tied up in perception and thought processes in addition to anxiety. Anxiety is an unbelievably powerful tool of the human brain and woe be the person who doesn't address it. I should have been doing a lot of this stuff years ago. One thing I'm wondering is how do I transition from recovery me to recovered me? I have hope today and even the sense that I may come out of this better. I'm so proud of the fact that I didn't back down that I haven't given up and that I have taken an approach that will make me a better person. I think I may not have had a concept of happiness or enlightenment but I have to admit this is a somewhat spiritual journey and that happiness is attainable and way different than anything I ever conceived it to be.
153 pmMy feelings of relative calm have maintained to this point in the day. I've been a bit more integrated as I once was. My general outlook feels a bit better.
Tuesday April 2, 2013
2:22 pmI have felt less anxious today. I'm still having some discomfort around my own existence but a little less than before. Felt pretty tight/anxious between 230 and 3. One thing I've noticed in my improvements is the ability to be comfortably uncomfortable.
Wednesday April 3, 2013
8:28 amBeen feeling a certain disconnect the last day or so. When I say disconnect I mean I wonder who am I and what controls my actions. I certainly feel less organic than I once did. I long to just be without the added stress of wondering what I am.
9:56 amBeen feeling pretty anxious for past twenty minutes. Don't know if its nerves (excitement) about therapy or that negative anxiety I've been feeling.
1049 pmIt's the end of yet another day. It had its ups and its downs. I felt really anxious at certain points but did make it through the day. Honestly though I feel like the anxiety can be managed as its a familiar for so to speak. But the wondering about what am I and the ruminations about autonomy and my not feeling organic is quite puzzling. I suspect, and this would be an educated guess, that returning to that organic feeling again will be so subtle that I won't even notice it. Undoubtedly, these feelings and symptoms won't last forever as we all die some day (which I think is part of my problem). What's more scary than consciousness you ask? Oh yea, perpetual lack thereof. Given that everyone deals with the whole their own death thing I think I can get over it even though my own death has been a source of anxiety for me for as long as I can remember. I can't help but think that there is a link between my feelings about my death and my feelings about my life. In some ways am I saying to myself what's all the fuss about, this whole life thing? What is it anyway? I also suspect that my inner self, my true self, is saying I don't know but it's worth fighting for. That's why I put all this effort into this. It's a truly complex problem, with what I would bet a simple answer. I will continue to go through each day doing what I can to improve. We should all live as such actually. Honestly I don't care about the why I am experiencing what I am. Let someone else worry about that. I just want a shovel and a blueprint and ill dig myself out. I want to get on with my life. I want to enjoy things again. I want my internal dialogue to not worry about what I am. I want my internal dialogue to focus outward in the sense of helping others. The oddest thing about these feelings is that I have a sense of dual self...not dual personalities or different voices but a dual existence so to speak. I have the me that feels like he's shuffling through the day and then I have the person who has lived the whole rest of his life. That guy doesn't feel present all that much anymore. When people say they feel like a robot I want them to mean it in as close to a literal sense as possible. Overall I can attest to improvement. Certainly I am light years ahead of where I was in January. I still want to reach my goals though. I will be patient and I will learn from this and I have a great life to look forward to.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Trying to Make Connections With Other People
My thoughts for this post derive from a conversation I had with my therapist on Monday. We were discussing many of the strategies and plans I have been using to treat my symptoms and he complimented me on putting myself out there and seeking help and being proactive in my recovery. He pointed out that it would be incredibly easy (given the pain and discomfort of the symptoms) to retreat inside myself, and justifiably so. Although I do not always appreciate what I am doing day in and day out I think it's important to put myself out there in the world. I truly do not think that there is a panacea for the symptoms of DP/DR or even my anxiety symptoms. However, I do think that we can either allow the symptoms to force us to retreat even further into ourselves and our thoughts or we can try to make connections. Remember, I do not think that all can be solved at once, but we can set small goals to put ourselves out there and try to connect with the world.
My therapist uses this term called "grounding," which to me means strategies and actions I can or do take to make myself feel more connected to myself and my environment. For example, I notice that my symptoms of DP/DR are not as bad or noticeable when I'm talking sports with my coworkers. Now I may still return to the state of DP/DR immediately after or even during the conversation, but the point is that there are times when I do not feel as bad. This does two things for me: one it offers evidence that what I am experiencing is not an unchangeable truth, but rather symptoms of a condition that I am working through. The second thing it does is it gives me ways to temporarily relieve my seemingly ever present symptoms.
Unfortunately, anyone who has experienced symptoms of DP/DR day in and day out for a period of time knows that this is easier, much easier said than done. This is not to say that we are a community of recluses who never come in contact with other humans, but I think it's fair to say that people with DP/DR likely feel more inclined to retreat within. But I think there are little things we can all do to reintegrate ourselves with our environments and the people in our lives. One thing I have been doing at work has been asking people about their weekends (I would never think to do this before). I've been trying to make better eye contact with the cashiers at grocery stores and coffee shops. I try to text message friends once a day with banter about fantasy baseball. These are all little, seemingly unimportant parts of my day, but I think they are important for my recovery.
I went to a session today with another therapist that I see and she had some interesting insight about the condition and its role in the grand scheme of my life. She said, "you need to go through this time and these symptoms in order to become the person that you're going to be." As tough as this is to accept her point is not only valid, but actually irrefutable. Whoever I end up becoming will undoubtedly result in some part to my experiences with DP/DR. Not only that I am the person I am today as a result of the DP/DR I've been experiencing for the past three months or so. And one thing that I will have improved about myself when I do make it through this difficult time is that I will connect with other people more than I did before. My recovery will not happen over night. My ability to make connections will not always be easy or even happen every day. But I believe that even the smallest connection can start to make a difference along the road to recovering from our symptoms.
My therapist uses this term called "grounding," which to me means strategies and actions I can or do take to make myself feel more connected to myself and my environment. For example, I notice that my symptoms of DP/DR are not as bad or noticeable when I'm talking sports with my coworkers. Now I may still return to the state of DP/DR immediately after or even during the conversation, but the point is that there are times when I do not feel as bad. This does two things for me: one it offers evidence that what I am experiencing is not an unchangeable truth, but rather symptoms of a condition that I am working through. The second thing it does is it gives me ways to temporarily relieve my seemingly ever present symptoms.
Unfortunately, anyone who has experienced symptoms of DP/DR day in and day out for a period of time knows that this is easier, much easier said than done. This is not to say that we are a community of recluses who never come in contact with other humans, but I think it's fair to say that people with DP/DR likely feel more inclined to retreat within. But I think there are little things we can all do to reintegrate ourselves with our environments and the people in our lives. One thing I have been doing at work has been asking people about their weekends (I would never think to do this before). I've been trying to make better eye contact with the cashiers at grocery stores and coffee shops. I try to text message friends once a day with banter about fantasy baseball. These are all little, seemingly unimportant parts of my day, but I think they are important for my recovery.
I went to a session today with another therapist that I see and she had some interesting insight about the condition and its role in the grand scheme of my life. She said, "you need to go through this time and these symptoms in order to become the person that you're going to be." As tough as this is to accept her point is not only valid, but actually irrefutable. Whoever I end up becoming will undoubtedly result in some part to my experiences with DP/DR. Not only that I am the person I am today as a result of the DP/DR I've been experiencing for the past three months or so. And one thing that I will have improved about myself when I do make it through this difficult time is that I will connect with other people more than I did before. My recovery will not happen over night. My ability to make connections will not always be easy or even happen every day. But I believe that even the smallest connection can start to make a difference along the road to recovering from our symptoms.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Recent Journal Insight (through March 26)
Thurs March 21I woke up feeling pretty good. Didn't have that life as a movie feeling as much. When I started doing things though I started to feel a bit light headed and anxious. It was/is hard to feel good about anything. I feel tight so to speak. I still feel a disconnectedness from my self, my body and my environment.
900pm Its so odd these feelings or thoughts that I have. It's like simultaneously being here and not. I'm here in that I can recognize that there's a criteria if "hereness" but I feel detached from the moment and environment. I recognize that I am what I am but I feel confused as to what I am. I honestly don't know how I get through the day feeling so detached from my environment. My most difficult times are when I'm not doing anything that requires good thought. I will concede this positive perspective though that my problem seems to be one of perception in that seeing, reacting, interacting no longer seem natural to me though I've been doing all the things that now cause me concern my whole life. To set a goal it would be to think about these things less, react and respond more, find some way to feel entirely integrated. How do I feel grounded all the time as I once did?
Another form of solace ironically is my persistent feeling of a need to escape from these thoughts and my new perspective. The irony is that when I think about it there is no respite or place to hide. I literally have no where to hide from these feelings, which if followed logically means that there is no apparent threat. The threat is the new way I'm perceiving the universe. When I start growing concerned about my me-ness and reality etc there's no real logical solution or approach that can help me. Even if I'm uncomfortable with my new perspective on reality there is no escaping it. I'm doing and being exactly what I am. All this leads me to believe that my problems are really stemming from one or many of a few things: anxiety or depression veil my ability to judge reality or its realness, some physical ailment (though unlikely), circumstances of this period in my life, homesickness, isolation, LACK OF CONSISTENT INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION AND CONVERSATION. If I've lived in this body with this mind my whole life and the rest of the world for arguments sake is real than clearly the problem is the way I now view things and my constant rumination and inability at this point to just be. Though confusing it appears treatable with time and people who know what the hay is going on with me, which I'm not entirely sure anyone really does. I only say this because I've yet to hear a point by point explanation rather than speculation.
Sat March 22I have felt notably better yesterday and today. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel awful for a majority of the day in a while. I felt pretty integrated and natural at my friend's place. I still had periods of unease about consciousness, but my mood has improved. I noticed that I was more social at work. I even asked people about themselves and their lives. I felt a little groggy after work but did have a surge of hope after visiting my therapist. I did feel anxious when I got home and got into bed. When I say anxious I mean that I got caught up in the thoughts about consciousness again. Today has been better than yesterday. I woke up in a good mood. I made jokes and didn't feel anxious on my way to yoga. I felt more social before class. I did have a feeling of alienation from my classmates after though. Almost if they weren't real or at least to me. I took my dog to the dog park and had a good 20 minutes where I was completely a part of the environment and not thinking about conscious, reality, etc. Consciousness is simultaneously fascinating and disconcerting to me. It makes me wonder about autonomy and what it means to be. Granted I'm not as disturbed by these thoughts as I have been in past weeks.
Sat March 24 2013Felt ok for most of the day. I feel ok usually when I'm "in my mind having thought". But when I start to acknowledge the external that's when I start to ponder about my consciousness and the nature of nothingness and reality. I think it's somewhat natural to wonder how we came to be and to wonder about the nothingness and somethingness dichotomy. My difficulty often comes in me just simply feeling human in the way that I'm mentally and physically a part of the moment. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are suspended in time and then I return to my environment and become fearful in a way. The fear or discomfort comes in thinking about what makes me me.
Monday March 251052 am Today feels like a one step back day after my good feelings from Friday and Saturday. I'm fed up with this feeling of disconnectedness from myself. I feel like my internal dialogue is different from what it once was and certainly more anxiety ridden. I forget what it feels like to just be. To go a bit further its hard for me to accept existence and mine in particular. It's like what makes me real? What makes me essentially human? I still have this going through the motions feeling. The only feeling I've been able to have recently is anxiety and fear. And hopelessness to an extent, though Friday did give me hope. I want to feel integrated with the environment without thinking about it. I'll admit that on some level though I'm not acknowledging it this whole what will I be doing next year thing is really weighing on me. It's incredibly stressful in that I don't know how I'll earn a living or even have an idea of what I'll be doing. I know life in general has an unpredictability but things can go in many directions. Been having a hard time feeling grounded. Praying helps. Fantasy sports a little. Texting friends. Hard to relax right now. I really want to be able to accept this and live in peace.
1014pm I tried to connect at work by being friendly with a coworker and asking her about her weekend and chatting with her. I had the chance to get out and do errands today. It occurred to me while I was there that if my mom were here and could physically comfort me and tell me everything will be ok I would feel so much better and would likely be over or through this. I could say at the time I felt a bit more grounded. I didn't have as strong of an alienation from environment feeling while at work.
Therapy went pretty well today in a lot of ways. I shared my insight about my mother and my therapist felt it is important to this narrative of what I'm going through. And I agree in a lot of ways my mothers absence may be the crux of the whole story. Granted my feelings and beliefs on reality and consciousness are more a response to stimuli than a pathology. However that doesn't change what I have to go through on a daily basis. All of this is covered in paradox and irony and incongruity. I'm uncomfortable with my very own being, feelings which could not exist without being. I mean I'm not going anywhere in the sense that I'm going to disappear, but I still don't feel entirely here. I get anxious and fearful about what I am and my authenticity as opposed to being a part of a script or story. How do I live again? Most importantly how do I locate or heal or reconnect with the self that is not readily manifest? I feel like a large part of my day is spent feeding the needs of the body: eating, using the bathroom, sleeping, scratching, stretching, yawning, sneezing, etc. But is that all there is? Man cannot live on bread alone. How do I feed my soul and what is my soul? What is the point of living outside of tending to bodily needs? The strangest of all these feelings is when I realize the world outside of my mind and have to come to grips with the fact that I've been here all along. It's akin to being startled every time a loud noise is made even if you live in a big city. I've been grappling with this problem for three long months and have witnessed some improvement in mood, but my questions remain unanswered and my ruminations have delved even deeper into obscure or difficult to comprehend thoughts and topics. What a privilege it is to just be. Also, a great line from my therapist's grandma, "you know how much God loves you by the weight of the cross you bear on your back." I think this can apply in my situation and can certainly be helpful in reframing all of this into a positive.
Tues March 26152 pm As far as anxiety goes it seems that today is going better. I took the dog to the dog park this morning, mailed a letter and I also did a yoga session. I also began my blog today. So productivity wise I'm doing ok. However, I'm still uncomfortable with my own consciousness and reality. I don't feel as I once did as far as just being. Every moment (or most of them) is a struggle to understand my own existence. It's both draining and exhausting to have these thoughts and feelings so frequently. This is such an odd experience and I really hope that I can successfully move past this. I've lived three months with the symptoms and I'm ready to find myself or the person I was before.
Wed March 26
Met with a different therapist today for the first time. She said that I can change my attitude towards my feelings which will in turn help change the feelings. She says its possible to feel integrated again though not likely to feel as I once did in that it wasn't working for me. She says I have indeed lost myself, but that that is a good thing in that I have the opportunity to reconstruct myself and my sense of self to become a happier and more enriched human. She keyed in on the fact that patience is important in that this is all a process. She also said that meditation is the magic bullet so to speak. I'm not skeptical however I am reserved or perhaps cautious because these feelings or so odd and seemingly unnatural ie. I'm uncomfortable with my own consciousnesses, a feeling I could not have without consciousness. She also said that we are the creators of our reality which results or ties in with our consciousness. In order to be able to live with the world outside of ourselves we need to get right internally. I felt less anxious after leaving though I did feel uncomfortable when she went into the conversation of consciousness/reality. I felt detached from myself and had the sense of being in a dream. Also in woke up this morning again with the discomfort of being a real live conscious being. There doesn't seem to be any choice in being conscious and while it is quite the luxury to question this and ruminate while others lie in a coma or die very young it doesn't necessarily take away from the discomfort. Indeed this is a journey whether or not I like the trip and I do believe somehow that I will like the destination. The new therapist was correct to say that the way I experienced reality and consciousness wasn't working. Now I'm not sure what was wrong or not working, but she's probably right that something was awry.
900pm Its so odd these feelings or thoughts that I have. It's like simultaneously being here and not. I'm here in that I can recognize that there's a criteria if "hereness" but I feel detached from the moment and environment. I recognize that I am what I am but I feel confused as to what I am. I honestly don't know how I get through the day feeling so detached from my environment. My most difficult times are when I'm not doing anything that requires good thought. I will concede this positive perspective though that my problem seems to be one of perception in that seeing, reacting, interacting no longer seem natural to me though I've been doing all the things that now cause me concern my whole life. To set a goal it would be to think about these things less, react and respond more, find some way to feel entirely integrated. How do I feel grounded all the time as I once did?
Another form of solace ironically is my persistent feeling of a need to escape from these thoughts and my new perspective. The irony is that when I think about it there is no respite or place to hide. I literally have no where to hide from these feelings, which if followed logically means that there is no apparent threat. The threat is the new way I'm perceiving the universe. When I start growing concerned about my me-ness and reality etc there's no real logical solution or approach that can help me. Even if I'm uncomfortable with my new perspective on reality there is no escaping it. I'm doing and being exactly what I am. All this leads me to believe that my problems are really stemming from one or many of a few things: anxiety or depression veil my ability to judge reality or its realness, some physical ailment (though unlikely), circumstances of this period in my life, homesickness, isolation, LACK OF CONSISTENT INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION AND CONVERSATION. If I've lived in this body with this mind my whole life and the rest of the world for arguments sake is real than clearly the problem is the way I now view things and my constant rumination and inability at this point to just be. Though confusing it appears treatable with time and people who know what the hay is going on with me, which I'm not entirely sure anyone really does. I only say this because I've yet to hear a point by point explanation rather than speculation.
Sat March 22I have felt notably better yesterday and today. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel awful for a majority of the day in a while. I felt pretty integrated and natural at my friend's place. I still had periods of unease about consciousness, but my mood has improved. I noticed that I was more social at work. I even asked people about themselves and their lives. I felt a little groggy after work but did have a surge of hope after visiting my therapist. I did feel anxious when I got home and got into bed. When I say anxious I mean that I got caught up in the thoughts about consciousness again. Today has been better than yesterday. I woke up in a good mood. I made jokes and didn't feel anxious on my way to yoga. I felt more social before class. I did have a feeling of alienation from my classmates after though. Almost if they weren't real or at least to me. I took my dog to the dog park and had a good 20 minutes where I was completely a part of the environment and not thinking about conscious, reality, etc. Consciousness is simultaneously fascinating and disconcerting to me. It makes me wonder about autonomy and what it means to be. Granted I'm not as disturbed by these thoughts as I have been in past weeks.
Sat March 24 2013Felt ok for most of the day. I feel ok usually when I'm "in my mind having thought". But when I start to acknowledge the external that's when I start to ponder about my consciousness and the nature of nothingness and reality. I think it's somewhat natural to wonder how we came to be and to wonder about the nothingness and somethingness dichotomy. My difficulty often comes in me just simply feeling human in the way that I'm mentally and physically a part of the moment. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are suspended in time and then I return to my environment and become fearful in a way. The fear or discomfort comes in thinking about what makes me me.
Monday March 251052 am Today feels like a one step back day after my good feelings from Friday and Saturday. I'm fed up with this feeling of disconnectedness from myself. I feel like my internal dialogue is different from what it once was and certainly more anxiety ridden. I forget what it feels like to just be. To go a bit further its hard for me to accept existence and mine in particular. It's like what makes me real? What makes me essentially human? I still have this going through the motions feeling. The only feeling I've been able to have recently is anxiety and fear. And hopelessness to an extent, though Friday did give me hope. I want to feel integrated with the environment without thinking about it. I'll admit that on some level though I'm not acknowledging it this whole what will I be doing next year thing is really weighing on me. It's incredibly stressful in that I don't know how I'll earn a living or even have an idea of what I'll be doing. I know life in general has an unpredictability but things can go in many directions. Been having a hard time feeling grounded. Praying helps. Fantasy sports a little. Texting friends. Hard to relax right now. I really want to be able to accept this and live in peace.
1014pm I tried to connect at work by being friendly with a coworker and asking her about her weekend and chatting with her. I had the chance to get out and do errands today. It occurred to me while I was there that if my mom were here and could physically comfort me and tell me everything will be ok I would feel so much better and would likely be over or through this. I could say at the time I felt a bit more grounded. I didn't have as strong of an alienation from environment feeling while at work.
Therapy went pretty well today in a lot of ways. I shared my insight about my mother and my therapist felt it is important to this narrative of what I'm going through. And I agree in a lot of ways my mothers absence may be the crux of the whole story. Granted my feelings and beliefs on reality and consciousness are more a response to stimuli than a pathology. However that doesn't change what I have to go through on a daily basis. All of this is covered in paradox and irony and incongruity. I'm uncomfortable with my very own being, feelings which could not exist without being. I mean I'm not going anywhere in the sense that I'm going to disappear, but I still don't feel entirely here. I get anxious and fearful about what I am and my authenticity as opposed to being a part of a script or story. How do I live again? Most importantly how do I locate or heal or reconnect with the self that is not readily manifest? I feel like a large part of my day is spent feeding the needs of the body: eating, using the bathroom, sleeping, scratching, stretching, yawning, sneezing, etc. But is that all there is? Man cannot live on bread alone. How do I feed my soul and what is my soul? What is the point of living outside of tending to bodily needs? The strangest of all these feelings is when I realize the world outside of my mind and have to come to grips with the fact that I've been here all along. It's akin to being startled every time a loud noise is made even if you live in a big city. I've been grappling with this problem for three long months and have witnessed some improvement in mood, but my questions remain unanswered and my ruminations have delved even deeper into obscure or difficult to comprehend thoughts and topics. What a privilege it is to just be. Also, a great line from my therapist's grandma, "you know how much God loves you by the weight of the cross you bear on your back." I think this can apply in my situation and can certainly be helpful in reframing all of this into a positive.
Tues March 26152 pm As far as anxiety goes it seems that today is going better. I took the dog to the dog park this morning, mailed a letter and I also did a yoga session. I also began my blog today. So productivity wise I'm doing ok. However, I'm still uncomfortable with my own consciousness and reality. I don't feel as I once did as far as just being. Every moment (or most of them) is a struggle to understand my own existence. It's both draining and exhausting to have these thoughts and feelings so frequently. This is such an odd experience and I really hope that I can successfully move past this. I've lived three months with the symptoms and I'm ready to find myself or the person I was before.
Wed March 26
Met with a different therapist today for the first time. She said that I can change my attitude towards my feelings which will in turn help change the feelings. She says its possible to feel integrated again though not likely to feel as I once did in that it wasn't working for me. She says I have indeed lost myself, but that that is a good thing in that I have the opportunity to reconstruct myself and my sense of self to become a happier and more enriched human. She keyed in on the fact that patience is important in that this is all a process. She also said that meditation is the magic bullet so to speak. I'm not skeptical however I am reserved or perhaps cautious because these feelings or so odd and seemingly unnatural ie. I'm uncomfortable with my own consciousnesses, a feeling I could not have without consciousness. She also said that we are the creators of our reality which results or ties in with our consciousness. In order to be able to live with the world outside of ourselves we need to get right internally. I felt less anxious after leaving though I did feel uncomfortable when she went into the conversation of consciousness/reality. I felt detached from myself and had the sense of being in a dream. Also in woke up this morning again with the discomfort of being a real live conscious being. There doesn't seem to be any choice in being conscious and while it is quite the luxury to question this and ruminate while others lie in a coma or die very young it doesn't necessarily take away from the discomfort. Indeed this is a journey whether or not I like the trip and I do believe somehow that I will like the destination. The new therapist was correct to say that the way I experienced reality and consciousness wasn't working. Now I'm not sure what was wrong or not working, but she's probably right that something was awry.
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