Recent Journal Insight (through March 26)

Thurs March 21I woke up feeling pretty good. Didn't have that life as a movie feeling as much. When I started doing things though I started to feel a bit light headed and anxious. It was/is hard to feel good about anything. I feel tight so to speak. I still feel a disconnectedness from my self, my body and my environment.  

900pm Its so odd these feelings or thoughts that I have. It's like simultaneously being here and not. I'm here in that I can recognize that there's a criteria if "hereness" but I feel detached from the moment and environment. I recognize that I am what I am but I feel confused as to what I am. I honestly don't know how I get through the day feeling so detached from my environment. My most difficult times are when I'm not doing anything that requires good thought. I will concede this positive perspective though that my problem seems to be one of perception in that seeing, reacting, interacting no longer seem natural to me though I've been doing all the things that now cause me concern my whole life. To set a goal it would be to think about these things less, react and respond more, find some way to feel entirely integrated. How do I feel grounded all the time as I once did?  

Another form of solace ironically is my persistent feeling of a need to escape from these thoughts and my new perspective. The irony is that when I think about it there is no respite or place to hide. I literally have no where to hide from these feelings, which if followed logically means that there is no apparent threat. The threat is the new way I'm perceiving the universe. When I start growing concerned about my me-ness and reality etc there's no real logical solution or approach that can help me. Even if I'm uncomfortable with my new perspective on reality there is no escaping it. I'm doing and being exactly what I am. All this leads me to believe that my problems are really stemming from one or many of a few things: anxiety or depression veil my ability to judge reality or its realness, some physical ailment (though unlikely), circumstances of this period in my life, homesickness, isolation, LACK OF CONSISTENT INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION AND CONVERSATION. If I've lived in this body with this mind my whole life and the rest of the world for arguments sake is real than clearly the problem is the way I now view things and my constant rumination and inability at this point to just be. Though confusing it appears treatable with time and people who know what the hay is going on with me, which I'm not entirely sure anyone really does. I only say this because I've yet to hear a point by point explanation rather than speculation.


Sat March 22I have felt notably better yesterday and today. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel awful for a majority of the day in a while. I felt pretty integrated and natural at my friend's place. I still had periods of unease about consciousness, but my mood has improved. I noticed that I was more social at work. I even asked people about themselves and their lives.  I felt a little groggy after work but did have a surge of hope after visiting my therapist. I did feel anxious when I got home and got into bed.  When I say anxious I mean that I got caught up in the thoughts about consciousness again.  Today has been better than yesterday. I woke up in a good mood. I made jokes and didn't feel anxious on my way to yoga. I felt more social before class. I did have a feeling of alienation from my classmates after though. Almost if they weren't real or at least to me. I took my dog to the dog park and had a good 20 minutes where I was completely a part of the environment and not thinking about conscious, reality, etc. Consciousness is simultaneously fascinating and disconcerting to me. It makes me wonder about autonomy and what it means to be. Granted I'm not as disturbed by these thoughts as I have been in past weeks. 

Sat March 24 2013Felt ok for most of the day.  I feel ok usually when I'm "in my mind having thought". But when I start to acknowledge the external that's when I start to ponder about my consciousness and the nature of nothingness and reality. I think it's somewhat natural to wonder how we came to be and to wonder about the nothingness and somethingness dichotomy. My difficulty often comes in me just simply feeling human in the way that I'm mentally and physically a part of the moment. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are suspended in time and then I return to my environment and become fearful in a way. The fear or discomfort comes in thinking about what makes me me.

Monday March 251052 am  Today feels like a one step back day after my good feelings from Friday and Saturday. I'm fed up with this feeling of disconnectedness from myself. I feel like my internal dialogue is different from what it once was and certainly more anxiety ridden. I forget what it feels like to just be. To go a bit further its hard for me to accept existence and mine in particular. It's like what makes me real?  What makes me essentially human?  I still have this going through the motions feeling. The only feeling I've been able to have recently is anxiety and fear. And hopelessness to an extent, though Friday did give me hope. I want to feel integrated with the environment without thinking about it. I'll admit that on some level though I'm not acknowledging it this whole what will I be doing next year thing is really weighing on me. It's incredibly stressful in that I don't know how I'll earn a living or even have an idea of what I'll be doing. I know life in general has an unpredictability but things can go in many directions. Been having a hard time feeling grounded. Praying helps. Fantasy sports a little. Texting friends. Hard to relax right now. I really want to be able to accept this and live in peace.      

1014pm I tried to connect at work by being friendly with a coworker and asking her about her weekend and chatting with her. I had the chance to get out and do errands today.  It occurred to me while I was there that if my mom were here and could physically comfort me and tell me everything will be ok I would feel so much better and would likely be over or through this.  I could say at the time I felt a bit more grounded.  I didn't have as strong of an alienation from environment feeling while at work. 
Therapy went pretty well today in a lot of ways.   I shared my insight about my mother and my therapist felt it is important to this narrative of what I'm going through. And I agree in a lot of ways my mothers absence may be the crux of the whole story. Granted my feelings and beliefs on reality and consciousness are more a response to stimuli than a pathology. However that doesn't change what I have to go through on a daily basis. All of this is covered in paradox and irony and incongruity. I'm uncomfortable with my very own being, feelings which could not exist without being. I mean I'm not going anywhere in the sense that I'm going to disappear, but I still don't feel entirely here. I get anxious and fearful about what I am and my authenticity as opposed to being a part of a script or story.  How do I live again?  Most importantly how do I locate or heal or reconnect with the self that is not readily manifest?  I feel like a large part of my day is spent feeding the needs of the body: eating, using the bathroom, sleeping, scratching, stretching, yawning, sneezing, etc.  But is that all there is?  Man cannot live on bread alone. How do I feed my soul and what is my soul?  What is the point of living outside of tending to bodily needs?  The strangest of all these feelings is when I realize the world outside of my mind and have to come to grips with the fact that I've been here all along. It's akin to being startled every time a loud noise is made even if you live in a big city. I've been grappling with this problem for three long months and have witnessed some improvement in mood, but my questions remain unanswered and my ruminations have delved even deeper into obscure or difficult to comprehend thoughts and topics. What a privilege it is to just be. Also, a great line from my therapist's grandma, "you know how much God loves you by the weight of the cross you bear on your back."  I think this can apply in my situation and can certainly be helpful in reframing all of this into a positive.

Tues March 26152 pm As far as anxiety goes it seems that today is going better. I took the dog to the dog park this morning, mailed a letter and I also did a yoga session. I also began my blog today. So productivity wise I'm doing ok. However, I'm still uncomfortable with my own consciousness and reality. I don't feel as I once did as far as just being. Every moment (or most of them) is a struggle to understand my own existence. It's both draining and exhausting to have these thoughts and feelings so frequently. This is such an odd experience and I really hope that I can successfully move past this. I've lived three months with the symptoms and I'm ready to find myself or the person I was before.

Wed March 26
Met with a different therapist today for the first time.  She said that I can change my attitude towards my feelings which will in turn help change the feelings. She says its possible to feel integrated again though not likely to feel as I once did in that it wasn't working for me. She says I have indeed lost myself, but that that is a good thing in that I have the opportunity to reconstruct myself and my sense of self to become a happier and more enriched human. She keyed in on the fact that patience is important in that this is all a process. She also said that meditation is the magic bullet so to speak. I'm not skeptical however I am reserved or perhaps cautious because these feelings or so odd and seemingly unnatural ie. I'm uncomfortable with my own consciousnesses, a feeling I could not have without consciousness. She also said that we are the creators of our reality which results or ties in with our consciousness. In order to be able to live with the world outside of ourselves we need to get right internally. I felt less anxious after leaving though I did feel uncomfortable when she went into the conversation of consciousness/reality. I felt detached from myself and had the sense of being in a dream. Also in woke up this morning again with the discomfort of being a real live conscious being. There doesn't seem to be any choice in being conscious and while it is quite the luxury to question this and ruminate while others lie in a coma or die very young it doesn't necessarily take away from the discomfort. Indeed this is a journey whether or not I like the trip and I do believe somehow that I will like the destination. The new therapist was correct to say that the way I experienced reality and consciousness wasn't working. Now I'm not sure what was wrong or not working, but she's probably right that something was awry.