Tuesday April 9, 2013
11:29 amToday has actually gone pretty well anxiety wise. I've had some thoughts about the nature of my existence but it has been comparatively less bothersome.
7:55 pmAs of right now I can't complain too much about my mental and emotional status today. My anxiety has been fairly low if non existent. I haven't spent that much time (at least comparatively) thinking about my existence. I've been at a pretty even keel all day. Nothing super happy like yesterday but I haven't felt awful either. Perhaps the most difficult thing for me right now is grappling with my existence. I feel like I've taken for granted what I am my whole life and never marveled at the whole miracle of it all. These feelings aren't overwhelming as they once were. I still don't feel entirely at ease with my existence or reality but its not a deterrent to my comfort either. I made connections with people today. I talked with an older lady while walking the dog and felt organic and grounded while talking with her. I'm making connections at work by talking sports and starting a pool for the Masters. I made connections with my friend by making weekend plans. It's amazing how much my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness have decreased. I still feel detached from my former self and memories but will thank the high heavens for my improvement. Things are improving though and if this was as good as it got it would certainly be more manageable. One question I've been trying to wrap my mind around is that I could be anything or even nothing. What am I other than the matter that I'm made of? What is the difference between me and other matter in the universe? Other life forms? How do I reconcile with these questions and feelings? How do I feel even more integrated and at peace? How do I be without thinking about being?
9:44 pmFeeling some disconnect from self and memories. Getting that sensation of dual self again. My mind felt like it was racing on my way home. Been having thoughts about existence, autonomy, sense of self.
Wednesday April 10, 2013
7:58 amWoke up feeling a bit detached from self and experience. This isn't as bothersome as it has been in the past but its different from my happy go lucky attitude of Monday. I feel a disconnect from the person I was or thought I was before these symptoms arrived.
1:51 pmToday has remained fairly low anxiety wise. I'm still having those thoughts about what I am and what is the nature of humanity. I'm working on positive thinking today and think its going fairly well. Feeling a little mentally exhausted with reality/consciousness but my prognosis is good and I'm way better off than I was.
11:19 pmOverall today went pretty well. I still feel this disconnect from "my old self." And while I can reconcile with change I still want to feel like my old organic self again. This can happen with some work and changing my thought patterns. I go in and out of my sense of self and consciousness and sense of reality. I have my deeper thoughts where I'm engaged in an activity and then I return to my immediate environment which reminds me of the discomfort.
Thursday April 11, 2013
9:42 amToday continues my trend of lower anxiety days. I'm still feeling discomfort at the thought of my own existence but I've also found a way to manage these feelings. Although I'm confused by these odd thoughts and my notion and concept of time is different my outlook is good right now. I think my therapy is working and my medication is working. I'm proud of myself for not backing down from what has been the most difficult time of my life so far. It reveals my true self in that I have a love for living and a hope for the future.
1:52 pmToday has gone pretty well thus far. Ruminating and anxiety has been low. Talking with coworkers made me feel grounded. Haven't been very concerned with the nature of my being. Have had a little bit of a dream like feeling when I think about my existence. Overall a good day so far though. When I felt anxiety building I allowed it to happen and it passed.
9:08 pmBeen feeling a bit disconnected from myself and my reality for portions of the day. It is particularly noticeable now. It's a lot like whoa I'm really here. This is me. I feel a disconnect from my memories and past experiences. Thinking of myself as more than the matter of which I'm composed is a challenge or uncomfortable. I'm certainly feeling better than in past weeks and these thoughts are less troublesome for me. I'm hoping to not have them anymore though and live organically. Thinking about the day and my actions does feel a bit like a dream.
Friday April 12, 2013
7:37 amWoke up feeling pretty good. I still haven't gotten over the thinking about existence thing but I'm in a pretty good place right now.
12:37 am (Saturday April 13)Overall today was a great day. My concern with reality and existence etc was not as bothersome. Felt more organic and natural. Had periods of DP/DR but found ways through it without panic.
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