Saturday April 13, 2013
2:51 pm
I'm going to emerge from this. No doubt anymore. I will rise from the ashes with strength and confidence and lead a life of purpose.
6:00 pmToday had been pretty good this far. I think I'm feeling more integrated throughout the day. I felt anxiety starting to build and used focusing on positive thoughts and this reduced anxiety within minutes. Still some residual anxiety but its manageable and will pass. I am still feeling a disconnect from my body and experience at times but it helps to know that this is a result of my brain putting up a defense shield. Perhaps I don't have to think of the brain as I did before and can still be happy. The disconnect will pass with time and effort. Patience is important though I'm eager to go on living without these considerations every day. I have immense gratitude for my improvement and understanding of what I'm going through. I can absolutely get to a point where I feel like my old self and more importantly where I can appreciate joy at a different level. It's important to trust the fact that the discomfort is just a byproduct of my anxiety and won't last forever. My treatment plan is working and of there are bumps on the road we will adjust. People recover and I will too.
Sunday April 14, 2013
11:04 amFelt a bit anxious a little earlier but feeling a bit better now. I think I'm starting to feel a little more integrated in the last couple days.
10:39 pmToday was overall a really good day. I'm really starting to feel organic again. I've had some anxiety off and on throughout the day but my thoughts about my existence have been at a minimum. I am cautiously humble about my progress in that I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I take a step back. However I am so grateful for feeling better and the relief of being able to live again. I will still try to take this one moment at a time in that I still have some residual questions about the nature of my being and I don't always feel integrated. But honestly I feel a lot better. Time has been really flying as far as the weeks go but my days seem very long. I'm excited about another week and the learning opportunities and chances to progress. It's such a blessing to feel better.
Monday April 15, 2013
5:00 pmOverall today my feelings of anxiety have been managed effectively. I think I have has more anxiety today than in past days, but overall today coincides with my trend of improvement. Haven't really ruminated about existence much and have felt somewhat organic at times. Even when I started to contemplate existence I find myself more comfortable with the ponderings. I'd say the anxiety was more harmful to my mood than my thoughts about what I am and how I got here. I do have somewhat of a dream like feeling in that there's some disconnect between my experiences and what I'm doing now.
Tuesday April 16, 2013
8:22 pmOverall I felt pretty good today. I had a good meditation session early in the morning and it set me up pretty nice and calm for my trip to work. At work I was talkative and confident and friendly. I quite enjoyed being outdoors today. I even felt peace at certain points while outside. The good takeaway from the day is that my anxiety was fairly low if not even really there. Something I'm not thrilled about is my thinking about my existence. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around thoughts about how thoughts come to be, what is the nature of humanity, how did we come to be, how do I get through my day? I've still got a sensation of being in a dream at times particularly as I reflect back on the day. I also have this discomfort of feeling like I'm conscious for the first time at different points in the day. I'll get deep in thought or into something and then I'll return to these thoughts of what am I. How do I feel comfortable just being again? How do I stop feeling detached from my experience? How do I live presumably the way most people do in that they don't have these dream sensations? I have felt organic at certain points of the day and I am proud that I still get through my days particularly with less anxiety. Having the weight of anxiety lifted is such a relief. Now I want to make heads or tails of these issues of detachment and my persistent thoughts of my existence. And my feelings of being in a dream or automated can leave too of they want. To be more specific I might use the example of looking at a landscape and not really seeing the difference between it and me. I know we exist as different entities but if we're both just matter in the universe than in the big picture aren't we all just the same? What makes us different than? Another example might be my thoughts about where and how my inner dialogue comes to be and to go a bit further how do my actions come to be without being drawn out and deliberate? I mean when I'm thirsty I get up and get water but I don't have a conversation with myself where I say ok I'm thirsty time to go get water. I just go get it. I wonder about this and the nature and origins of my thoughts and actions. As I've taken the model of positive thinking and committing to my treatment plans I will continue to regard these thoughts merely as symptoms of a condition that is being treated by my team and I. My only concern and I want to share this in therapy is that by accepting these feelings as symptoms and commuting to having patience I feel like I may be pushing the painful and tough feelings aside figuring that by going with the program these feelings will organically dissipate and I will eventually feel better.
Wednesday April 17, 2013
9:43 pmI won't say today was a bad day because my anxiety was manageable and also hey I'm here at the end of another day and nothing bad has happened to me. I went to work and managed a trip. I went to therapy. I meditated twice. I finished a chapter of my book and I wrote a blog post. These are all indicators of a perfectly functional human being. It's amazing how big of a difference lowered anxiety can make on ones outlook. Now, to focus a bit on things I want to improve. I'm still thinking too much about how I came to be and what I am. I've taken for granted that I am human and all of the miracles or miraculous way that we've all come to be. It would be really nice if these thoughts I'm having didn't feel like one me and my body another. I'm ok with having a soul even though I don't have choice on the matter anyway but I don't want to think of myself as a soul in a body. I want to feel like my thoughts and body operate as one. I'm not really sure how I got on this train of thought but I'd like to take a different route. I did spend more time today being worried and concerned about my existence than I did last Friday for example. How do I feel integrated again? Is there a tip or a program to do this? Am I doing the program and it just takes time? Sometimes I feel absent of emotion and connection to my environment and by sometimes its probably closer to all of the time or most of the time. How do I feel things other than fear, anxiety, discomfort, and confusion? To return to positive thoughts though I smiled when I saw how cute the little baby was yesterday and how cute the little girl was today. This gave me a certain feeling of peace. I felt pretty good in the sunshine at points today and enjoyed connecting with a coworker a bit about his family, culture, and background. I got excited to think about my new job for next year and I enjoyed thinking about taking a Memorial Day trip. I felt pretty good after morning meditation. I was very engaged in my novel and my blog post. I did not fight my feelings of DP/DR but tried to just let then float away and not bother me. Is it possible to feel them, acknowledge them, and not let them bother you? Is this a positive step toward full recovery?
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