I have been fortunate enough to have experienced some progress in the past weeks as it concerns my symptoms of anxiety, depersonalization, and derealization. A great deal of this progress has come from the combined efforts of my therapists, my psychiatrist and the help of friends. Mostly though, I do want to take much of the credit for the progress as I am the one who actually has to do the work. This is important for others to consider as well as it gives us a great deal of power in our own recovery. There's no magic pill (that I know of) that can change the way we've come to see the world, and more importantly how we feel about those perceptions. However, I continue to believe that I can live a happy and fulfilled life again despite the obstacles that I have faced in the past months.
As I stated above I have been lucky enough to have felt some progress over the past couple of weeks. Mostly my relief has come in my anxiety, particularly as it pertains my symptoms of DP/DR. The relief of anxiety really does make a difference as to how I've come to view my symptoms and has helped ground me in the sense that I can see my symptoms for what they are and not some unchangeable truth that will forever make me miserable. I can honestly say that at the outset of my symptoms of DP/DR they made me miserable and incredibly uncomfortable. Now, I'd say that my symptoms make me uncomfortable, but that I'm able to manage this discomfort a lot better than before. They don't debilitate me or cause panic. I just take the discomfort for what it is and try to manage the feelings rather than fight them. Having said that I am happy to share that I have had moments and perhaps even points in the day where I feel more organic and have even been able to engage with other people without fear and rumination about what I am. In a sense, I feel like I have my foot in the world I lived in for most of my life and a foot in my DP/DR world.
Now for what I believe what we can look for. Ironically, I have found that when I stop looking for some feeling of "normality" and stop thinking about my discomfort I feel the best. When I'm not looking for relief it comes. Usually this comes when I'm engaged in a thought provoking activity or when I'm engaged in a deep conversation or when I'm thinking about one of my interests. I only know that this is my "feeling normal" periods because when I come out of my activity or thought I think, "damn, that is the way I used to interact with the world." My therapist compares my symptoms to trying to row against the current. The more we try to fight the feelings and symptoms the harder we have to work and the more tired and overwhelmed we feel. This metaphor has literal meaning for me because I really do feel tired of having these persistent thoughts about the nature of my existence. She also says though that if we let go of the oars the only direction we can go is downstream, which is where we want to be going. We cannot fight our symptoms forever. It's like trying to fight anything else having to do with the brain and the body. At some point we need to let things run their respective courses. This doesn't mean that we can't advocate for ourselves, but that we don't have to fight what we're going through either. Our symptoms are what they are. But we can't change the fact that we got them. However, we have tremendous amount of power in the way we deal with them. So I'm going to try to keeping my mind active, engaging with other people, and thinking about things that intrigue me and make me happy.
So to sum up what to look for, I would actually say stop looking for the turning point or the light at the end of the tunnel. We put so much pressure on ourselves to solve this and feel better and understand the discomfort and confusion. But let's all give ourselves a break and start living normally again. I totally understand how hard this is and when I'm feeling most alienated from myself and my environment this becomes even harder. But I would definitely recommend at the best part of your day try to give yourself some relief and try less hard. To give examples of what I have done, the first thing I did was I refuse to research what I have. I will not look for a definition, a medical perspective, or even an article about treatment plans. I have chosen to minimize my trips to the forums because it just causes me to focus more on the symptoms. I have also begun to try to allow my feelings of discomfort to just happen. What I mean by that is when I'm feeling odd or strange when I'm out of the house instead of panicking I just try to breathe deeply and think happy thoughts. "I love chocolate. I love basketball. Going to sporting events is fun. I really love working out and going to yoga etc." I also try to spark as many deep conversations as possible or at least conversations that will allow for dialogue. This keeps my mind focused on a topic other than my symptoms as we can't have simultaneous thoughts. Racing thoughts, yes, but not all that the same time. I really believe that we can all recover and a part of the process may be to try a little less hard. I hope this helps and please comment if you feel compelled to share your experience.
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