Thursday April 18, 2013
10:01 pm
I will preface everything by saying that I didn't meditate until 6:45 today so this may contextualize the way I felt today. I will say though that today has probably been building a little bit during this week. So overall I will mark today as another success. My anxiety was managed with little fanfare. The anxiety built and it was relieved. Nothing huge. However, I am bothered by this back and forth of consciousness I've been having. I will go about my day accomplishing my tasks and then boom I'm like wow I'm human. What allows me to do all this? What am I? To be more results oriented I want to know how other people think about these things but aren't bothered by them. I mean really who isn't weirded out by our ability to think? Where do thoughts come from and do our thoughts make us real? I don't even care about the real versus not real thing anymore. What I care about is living in peace and being able to enjoy life. What is holding me back? What is my obstacle? My therapists all say stay with the program, but are my thoughts and symptoms special? Likely not but I feel like I haven't completely relayed my feelings or perceptions. And I don't want to think of myself as a spirit contained in a body. I just want to feel one again. I want to be integrated. How do I do this? I don't want this to be a cerebral thing. All of this often feels like a dream and I don't feel as autonomous as I once did. Comfort please come. But, however, this is God's will. This is supposed to happen. I am a part of something bigger than myself. People enjoy their lives, even people who have had these symptoms. All I can do is my best and have faith, hope, and patience. When these symptoms started I felt so much worse and now have made it two full weeks without Ativan. I have things to look forward to including: better weather, traveling, NBA playoffs, deepening my meditation and yoga practice, studying things I'm interested in, eating well, sunshine, ice cream, working on my book.
Saturday April 20, 2013
10:07 am
I've been feeling fairly anxious all morning. The last couple of days I've spent too much energy concerning myself with what I am. It's been difficult to stop thinking of myself as merely a body with organs and bones etc. Thinking of myself like this makes me feel less autonomous, less in control of my actions, and the going through the motions and dreamlike feeling. I know that I have control of my actions but what drives this control? My concept of self has been concerning me or making me uncomfortable.
Sunday April 21, 2013
5:49 pm
Today has mostly been low anxiety. Felt surge of anxiety around 5 pm. My best feeling times anxiety wise were in the woods, during and after yoga, and just after the dog park. I felt the most detached from self around five and during certain points of the walk. When I say detached I mean I'm confused by my existence and exactly what makes me autonomous and human. I feel like my organs and body are separate from my thoughts and mind. As I try to think of why this is distressing I can't really pinpoint it other than to say it causes me discomfort to think about. This is encouraging however because it says to me that there really isn't anything wrong, but rather an indication of my obsessing over these thoughts. I would like to feel integrated and not think about these things. I would like to go through my day just experiencing things and not having to ruminate about existence. I want to feel like my mind and body are one. What will it take to feel this way? What are baby steps I can start taking? Another good thing is I didn't bring Ativan out of the house today which means if I felt anxious I would have to manage it without medication. My anxiety has improved overall, particularly as it pertains to when it gets really bad. I've also managed to better accept the detachment rather than resisting it. How can I start to feel good all of the time? It can be done as the mind is quite powerful and capable!
7:34 pm
Took a walk at dusk. Felt pretty odd the whole walk. Sort of a dream like sensation. Notably disconnected from my body. Mind and thoughts seem separate entities and this bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. How can I return to feeling connected again?
Monday April 22, 2013
9:15 am
Feeling ok today. My anxiety doesn't feel high or even really there. I'm having some discomfort with my own existence but perhaps not as great as yesterday. I'm still having that sensation of being here for the first time. It's an odd sensation but makes me feel not quite human or a part of the moment. The concept of time passing has been uncomfortable for me and has also given me the sense that everything is happening very quickly and slowly at the same time. I have the sense that everything is happening at once. Overall I'm doing pretty good today though.
1:33 pm
Still feeling just ok. My anxiety has been fairly low today however I still feel this disconnect from my body and my self. It was particularly noticeable as I was talking with coworkers. I am a bit impatient as I am trying everything I've been given. However if I step back and look objectively I am able to get through my days much better. I am not as cranky. I am more kind and less anxious. I've started doing things that are good for long term mental health. So in the end I can't complain too much as I think that my efforts will likely allow me to have a more fulfilling life. And even though I'm about four months in to a difficult time I am still here and continue to persevere. Everyone has hardships and this is clearly mine. I can't complain about this as anxiety, depression, and worry didn't push me over the edge to make changes in my life and my outlook. So it seems that this is my impetus to start becoming a better version of me. What else would have compelled me to change? Now I do still have to find a way to feel organic and comfortable. I want my program to work for the goals that I have.
Tuesday April 23, 2013
11:56 am
Thus far today has gone fairly well as far as anxiety. No real spikes of anxiety or low points. I'm have been having some thoughts about my own consciousness and experience. I want to try to be as accurate as possible in my description. Here's what bothers me: there are points during the day where I have the sensation that I am here for the first time. More specifically, it feels as if my memories are just that but not actually things that I experienced. This bothers me because I feel a disconnect from a point of reference to who I am today. I understand that I live in the now and only the now but you can't get here without your past experiences. I am also uncomfortable with how I have taken consciousness for granted, meaning consciousness has always been the most natural feeling ie I don't think about it I just experience it. However now I feel like my actions and my mind take on different entities. Perhaps this is true but how can I feel as one again? Even as I write this I wonder about my autonomy and my humanity. I have a sense that maybe I'm experiencing something profound but logically I think this experience is the result of anxiety or something of that nature. Something seems to be out of whack even if I am not describing it well. Mostly I feel as if my day just happens to me. I feel somewhat like I'm in a dream and that I'm floating through my day in a sense. My internal dialogue suggests that I'm meeting a new me throughout the day and not the person I've always been. I suppose this doesn't bother me as it has before, but it still bothers me.
9:44 pm
Today has been successful anxiety wise. I didn't feel anything that debilitated me or even really made me feel that bad. Room for improvement: feeling connected again, feeling totally human as opposed to automated or robotic, ceasing the thoughts about my self concept, feeling like a whole/one entity, ceasing to feel like I'm in a dream. I say room for improvement because I haven't really felt these things recently. I would like to regain my feelings of autonomy. I would like to experience what the world has to offer without these existential questions. I don't want to think these profound thoughts. I want to just be. Healthy adjusted people aren't bothered by these thoughts.
Wednesday April 24, 2013
12:03 pm
Today has been successful as far as anxiety goes and my therapist's thoughts during therapy seem to resonate with me. I'm eager to feel comfort again and I'm eager to learn from this experience.
Thursday April 25, 2013
8:03 am
A little recap from yesterday: I actually felt pretty good for most of the day. I think the things that my therapist said about my affirmations resonated with me. It also helped to get some concrete steps I can take to start seeing some results. My anxiety level was low if not nonexistent all day. I felt a bit odd at the meditation center but part of it has to do with it being dusk, it was a little hot in the room, and the topics being discussed were inherently not grounding. I mean talking about finding your inner self and light aren't exactly a familiar topic to me. However I did feel pretty good and excited even when I got home. I think I fell pretty deeply into meditation and slept pretty deeply as well. I dreamt vividly. This morning my anxiety is low however I've flowed back and forth between my normal consciousness and the one where I wonder about existence etc. I am excited to have a day where I have thoughts about things that interest me and make me happy.
11:23am
Pretty good day this far. Feeling fairly natural and organic if not than worrying about discomfort less.
Saturday April 27, 2013
11:20 pm
Overall today went very well. Anxiety was basically nonexistent and my thoughts about reality and being were less pervasive. I handled situations that would normally unnerve me with calm. I enjoyed my time mainly in an organic fashion. Definite and noticeable improvement for today. Yay for me! Also just to recap the progression of my symptoms. Initially I felt mostly disconnected and obsessive over existence and being. This in turn made me more anxious and shed light on my previous anxiety that I had likely been living with for a while. When the anxiety lessened so too did my obsessive worrying about reality. My focus than turned to what makes me human and what makes me any different from any other matter in the universe. I still felt disconnected from my environment and in a dream almost. I would often feel automated. Slowly these feelings would bother me less. I still felt them but they bothered me less. Last night I felt completely normal at times and more so today. When the thoughts of the universe and my reality come up I just let them float by. I can say that today marks another point of reference in looking at my growth and recovery. Things that bothered me today: certain disconnect from former self, at times I felt like in a scene when at restaurant, certain thoughts about what am I.
Some good things: felt good at dog park and grocery store, good yoga classes and meditation meeting, cleaned up, helped my aunt and didn't lose my cool, enjoyed myself at the restaurant and bar, had a good workshop,
Sunday April 28, 2013
12:56 pm
Really starting to feel like I'm coming out of the haze that has been the past few months. The most exciting thing is that I feel more compelled to help others and promote good in the world. I also feel more inspired to take better care of myself. Yay for me!
10:03 pm
Overall today was a really good day. I felt organic at many points of the day. I'm feeling more like my old self and than some. By than some I mean I feel like I'm going to get to improve on the things I always wanted to add to my life. I've had an opportunity to think about my feelings and to find ways to manage them. I didn't become overwhelmed at all today and felt much less detached than in the past. I think that today points toward a bright future.
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