Thursday March 28 2013130 pm Feeling ok today. Shortness off breath but my anxiety hasn't been terrible. Have felt brief surges of relief which is opposed to the big boulder of anxiety I've been carrying for the past few months. Also I have this sense that everything is one and there's no distinction between me and the rest of existence. This is disturbing to me.
406 pm Starting to feel like I'm coming out of the funk and by funk I mean this detachment from self and the feelings of DPAFU. It's not a complete or even a notable change, however I think I'm noticing something is better. Still grappling with existence, being, reality, consciousness etc. but I think I'm feeling a little better off than I was.
600 pm Been feeling pretty good I think. It feels like a surge of positive energy. It's been so long since I've felt positive energy I think I confused it for anxiety. Still ruminating about my existence though. I also want to note that due to the nature of my confusion and recent experiences I do fear that I may lose control of myself? Is this justified? How do I know I won't? How do I prevent this? I suppose I've also thought this during normal times as well.
Friday March 29, 2013
936 am Having a decent morning. I felt a little anxious when I woke up but it has subsided a little when I did yoga and became preoccupied with duties at work. Still feel disconnect between mind, body, and a discomfort with existence. I'm slightly bothered by the fact that we don't have a choice in existence. Not that I'm complaining but it's something to think about. I want to feel natural and integrated into myself and my environment again. I know it seems rather egotistical or arrogant, but I wonder if my experience is unique and more importantly I wonder if its something I will get through and feel better or at least as good as I once did. I suppose in this recreation of self or finding of self I'm afraid of what I might become or what I am. I'm afraid that what's in store for me will be uncomfortable or Ill be dissatisfied with the results. Is this all there is to life? Feeding the body, sleeping, stretching, exercise, bodily functions? Is there an integrated self or are we just brains with bodies?
802 pm It's funny what a subtle little sh*t this condition or whatever you want to call what I'm going through is. As I think I'm starting to come out of it or overcome it a bit I'm starting to realize that part of the obstacle in my way is/was all or nothing thinking. What I mean is that I have this idea of what life used to be like for me and mind you I use the word idea and my whole goal since starting to feel this way has been to overcome it or to not feel this way anymore. And while the "learning experience" perspective is relevant, usefully, and likely imperative for success and growth I think what gets lost in that viewpoint is the fact that maybe this is a perspective issue or even maybe there's some benefit to being in this circumstance and not just getting past it but learning while living with it. Granted I want to feel comfortable just being again but that doesn't mean that this isn't completely awful. I want to learn what there is to be learned from all of this but it's just so darn uncomfortable for so much of the time. As I'm writing right now I either feel really anxious or better. Or both? I'm not sure but I want to know if there's a way to feel my mind my body and my experience to be integrated again?
Saturday March 30,20131:09 pm I have had the feeling of detachment from myself and my surroundings for much of the day.
11:49 pmI'd say overall today was a pretty good day. I feel good about the fact that I was able to offer some insight to other people who are struggling with what I'm struggling with. I'd say there was a level of anxiety for much of the day particularly as it relates to wondering what I am. I'm having a difficult time feeling organic again but I'm grateful for having a pretty good day.
Sunday March 31, 20132:49 pm Today has been a pretty good day as far as anxiety goes. I woke up feeling very anxious. I tried breathing and thinking of positive memories. I went to church and felt slightly integrated with the surroundings but still have feelings of wonderment about my reality and consciousness. I feel disconnected from my memory and my memories. It's almost like I feel like I'm experiencing consciousness for the first time several times throughout the day. It's odd and counterintuitive but its how I feel. There's also a disconnection from my environment almost as if everything before my eyes is a movie. This is an opportunity to learn though and an opportunity to work on being calm and just feeling.
10:42 pm I think I can say I'm feeling better in a lot of ways. It's odd because I still feel a certain unease about my whole existence but not in the same way that I used to. I think I might even feel hopeful that I can live a "normal" life again. Mostly, I'm exhausted from this incessant thinking about what am I. Consciousness is exhausting. Is that true for other people? Even though I'm starting to think I might come out on the other end of this thing ok I think I'm still going to have to have some resolution about this topic of death ie my own death ie the opposite of consciousness. This is an age old problem for me but I think somehow is tied into this. Making it through today has been easier by thinking of my feelings as symptoms. It doesn't change my awe of consciousness or questioning about what I am or what is the true nature of humans. But I think I'm doing a little better than I was. I'm certainly here now whatever now is but I do have this disconnect from time. It feels like I will be older before I know it and my past and memories feel like they didn't happen to me. My schema feels a little messed up even though my memory is pretty solid about a lot of things. I often get this sensation of being conscious for the first time. Overall I can count today as a success. Anxiety lessened at many points of the day. I felt a little more comfortable just being. I have been anxious about timeliness and have been feeling anger at times. I think it's an anxiety thing for me because stillness causes me some unease. Thankful to make it through another day alive and seemingly a little better.
Monday April 1, 2013
11:50 amI am actually feeling pretty good today. I still feel a certain detachment today but its not as intense or worrisome. Granted the weather is gorgeous but I feel reminded of what it feels to be human again. This is a tricky little condition because so much of it is tied up in perception and thought processes in addition to anxiety. Anxiety is an unbelievably powerful tool of the human brain and woe be the person who doesn't address it. I should have been doing a lot of this stuff years ago. One thing I'm wondering is how do I transition from recovery me to recovered me? I have hope today and even the sense that I may come out of this better. I'm so proud of the fact that I didn't back down that I haven't given up and that I have taken an approach that will make me a better person. I think I may not have had a concept of happiness or enlightenment but I have to admit this is a somewhat spiritual journey and that happiness is attainable and way different than anything I ever conceived it to be.
153 pmMy feelings of relative calm have maintained to this point in the day. I've been a bit more integrated as I once was. My general outlook feels a bit better.
Tuesday April 2, 2013
2:22 pmI have felt less anxious today. I'm still having some discomfort around my own existence but a little less than before. Felt pretty tight/anxious between 230 and 3. One thing I've noticed in my improvements is the ability to be comfortably uncomfortable.
Wednesday April 3, 2013
8:28 amBeen feeling a certain disconnect the last day or so. When I say disconnect I mean I wonder who am I and what controls my actions. I certainly feel less organic than I once did. I long to just be without the added stress of wondering what I am.
9:56 amBeen feeling pretty anxious for past twenty minutes. Don't know if its nerves (excitement) about therapy or that negative anxiety I've been feeling.
1049 pmIt's the end of yet another day. It had its ups and its downs. I felt really anxious at certain points but did make it through the day. Honestly though I feel like the anxiety can be managed as its a familiar for so to speak. But the wondering about what am I and the ruminations about autonomy and my not feeling organic is quite puzzling. I suspect, and this would be an educated guess, that returning to that organic feeling again will be so subtle that I won't even notice it. Undoubtedly, these feelings and symptoms won't last forever as we all die some day (which I think is part of my problem). What's more scary than consciousness you ask? Oh yea, perpetual lack thereof. Given that everyone deals with the whole their own death thing I think I can get over it even though my own death has been a source of anxiety for me for as long as I can remember. I can't help but think that there is a link between my feelings about my death and my feelings about my life. In some ways am I saying to myself what's all the fuss about, this whole life thing? What is it anyway? I also suspect that my inner self, my true self, is saying I don't know but it's worth fighting for. That's why I put all this effort into this. It's a truly complex problem, with what I would bet a simple answer. I will continue to go through each day doing what I can to improve. We should all live as such actually. Honestly I don't care about the why I am experiencing what I am. Let someone else worry about that. I just want a shovel and a blueprint and ill dig myself out. I want to get on with my life. I want to enjoy things again. I want my internal dialogue to not worry about what I am. I want my internal dialogue to focus outward in the sense of helping others. The oddest thing about these feelings is that I have a sense of dual self...not dual personalities or different voices but a dual existence so to speak. I have the me that feels like he's shuffling through the day and then I have the person who has lived the whole rest of his life. That guy doesn't feel present all that much anymore. When people say they feel like a robot I want them to mean it in as close to a literal sense as possible. Overall I can attest to improvement. Certainly I am light years ahead of where I was in January. I still want to reach my goals though. I will be patient and I will learn from this and I have a great life to look forward to.
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