This post will focus on comparing how I feel and experience the world now versus a few months ago when I first started noticing the effects of severe anxiety, depersonalization, and derealization in my life. Everyone has a unique story and set of circumstances that caused, formed, or exacerbated their symptoms. My circumstances revolved around going through many transitions, worrying about health, dreading failure, and not addressing the loss of my mother and subsequent shift in family dynamic. One thing I do have in common with everyone who suffers though is that I did suffer the pain of feeling detached from my environment and myself, rumination about existence, fear of existence and my environment, and an overall discomfort in being alive. The pain is real and the discomfort is real. Fortunately for us the maladaptive thought patterns and ways to heal are equally real. No one has to live forever in pain and I believe that many of the strategies I have employed have gotten me to the point where I can live fairly normally again. I still feel a bit odd at times, but these occurrences are fewer and the severity less than ever.
When I first started this blog I was deep in the thought patterns and sense of hopelessness of DP/DR and in the months leading up to that point I experienced extreme pain on a day to day basis. I wanted to rush through my day so that I could pass out and not have to experience reality. This was my life with "was" being the operative word. Perhaps no one can understand what it feels like to experience DP/DR unless they have lived with it on a daily basis. More than anything it consumes every thought and action in a person's life. However, I do think that therapy, journal entries, yoga, meditation, seeking out self-help books that had nothing to do with DP/DR, making a conscious effort to stop researching DP/DR, seeing a psychiatrist, and remaining patient all allowed me to return to a more "normal" me and to begin enjoying life. To offer a sense of where I was versus where I am today I will include in this post an entry from my journal dated January 28, 2013:
"Sense of powerlessness/fear about the magnitude of the universe and the world. I became fearful of my mind.body relationship or disconnect. Are people real even when we're not touching them? What makes someone real and alive?"
January 29
"I have a tremendous sense of fear and powerlessness. I feel like everything is real for the first time. The world feels scary and unfamiliar. I feel like I'm not a part of the environment. I feel fearful of the sky and the vastness and feeling of my head not being covered. I am depressed. How do I fix this?"
These feelings do not even occur to me anymore. This person's thoughts and experiences are no longer my reality. If anything still troubles me it is still anxiety, but this is much more manageable now that I am not thinking about the things that bothered me in the posts from January. Healing or recovering from DP/DR is not a clean process in that it does not flow logically or linearly. Much of my progress was made without my even knowing or noticing it. Many times I felt as if nothing was working and that I would not heal. However, at each point in my reflections I can point to growth, improvement, and a general trend of enjoying life more. The world and life are amazing things to experience and I am grateful for the chance to have these obstacles and overcome them because I appreciate the good things in life even more.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Noticeable Changes and Unnoticeable Changes
I can gratefully share that I continue to experience incremental progress in healing from DP/DR. Every day I find myself fascinated by the depth, scope, and complexities of the experience. From the beginning of my writing blog posts and journal entries I held the position that more than anything DP/DR is an ailment of perception. This is not to invalidate the physical manifestations of DP/DR or the very real lived experience of the symptoms. The pain is real. The experience is real. And the feelings are important and real. However, I believe our time can be more efficiently utilized by focusing on what we can control and the perceptions of our experience. Every day I experience more clarity and every day I feel more integrated into my life both physically and mentally. When I first began to feel noticeably better I would do so with reservation. I would avoid existential thoughts and do everything I could to avoid triggers for my thoughts and feelings that did not serve me. Now I can entertain some of these existential thoughts without fear and I do not have to be as mindful of my triggers. Although this bit of information may not be useful from a practical application standpoint, I did want to share this to demonstrate the small steps one must take in recovery and to show people that life does get better and the feelings and experience more manageable. This improvement has allowed me the space to understand that nothing in my world has changed, in many ways I have not changed, but rather the way I am seeing it all has changed. I can be fascinated by my mind, my body, the physical world, and the universe without completely devolving into negative thought patterns. The intrigue remains the same, but the way I feel about it has changed.
Not to contradict myself or confuse anyone, but I do also want to say that something has changed in my. When I say this I mean that my recent improvement has been more noticeable. It has been the DP/DR version of my "A-ha!" moment. I can point to certain points in time when I can clearly distinguish between DP/DR me and "normal" me. Something has changed, but in a good way. If my experience of healing is typical than there is a feeling or a change to look forward to. We can certainly point to times in our lives when we did not have DP/DR for most or all of the day, but it can be kind of hard to notice the intricacies of the transition from "normal life" to DP/DR. I am sharing this reflection because I want people to further understand that healing is multifaceted but not necessarily linear. In short, there are changes that have come which are noticeable and there are some that result from my commitment to the healing process. Be well and stay hopeful because life is much more enjoyable the more you heal.
Not to contradict myself or confuse anyone, but I do also want to say that something has changed in my. When I say this I mean that my recent improvement has been more noticeable. It has been the DP/DR version of my "A-ha!" moment. I can point to certain points in time when I can clearly distinguish between DP/DR me and "normal" me. Something has changed, but in a good way. If my experience of healing is typical than there is a feeling or a change to look forward to. We can certainly point to times in our lives when we did not have DP/DR for most or all of the day, but it can be kind of hard to notice the intricacies of the transition from "normal life" to DP/DR. I am sharing this reflection because I want people to further understand that healing is multifaceted but not necessarily linear. In short, there are changes that have come which are noticeable and there are some that result from my commitment to the healing process. Be well and stay hopeful because life is much more enjoyable the more you heal.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Some Recent Perspective on My Healing
The last two days have been my best as far as feeling "normal" again. When I say best I mean that I have felt normal, comfortable, and have been able to enjoy life. In the past months I felt as if life was happening to me (if there was in fact a me) and in the past couple of days I felt that there is a me and that I have some control over the direction and arc of my day and life. Although there remains a residual disconnect from the world as I once experienced it, I have gained a new hope for the new normal that I will one day experience. The past two days have convinced me even further that lifestyle and attitude can play as much of a role in healing as any physical manifestations of DP/DR that we may experience.
One of the things that I noticed recently is that I was getting complacent with my healing. I believe that I was happy with feeling much better and as a result got a bit lazy with my healing process and with the steps that helped me arrive at where I am at today. In particular, I noticed that I was allowing myself to contemplate these existential questions that were not serving me. I would take silent and lonely moments in the day as opportunities to think about the things that have clearly not served me. I have found strategies for either avoiding or dismissing these thoughts, but in recent weeks I slowly stopped using these strategies as I began to feel better. While feeling better is certainly the goal, it is important to respect what got me to that point and see the program that I established for myself all the way through. Some of the strategies I have used to negate thoughts that do not serve me include: dismissing the thoughts as ridiculous, talking the away ("go away little thought that doesn't serve me), making fun of myself for caring about the thought, reminding myself that the thought does not own me, and reminding myself that my thoughts can be destructive. Even though I think that avoiding the thoughts has helped me, I have found that I can think about some of the existential questions that have plagued me without being debilitated by the thought.
Another thing that has helped me has been my imagination. Many of us have had at least two experiences of life: life with DP/DR and life without it. I have used the past few days as a time to pretend that I am completely "normal" again and I am giving myself advice from that perspective. I encourage you to think about the advice you would give someone with DP/DR from the perspective of someone who doesn't have it. Picture the day when you are completely back to "normal" and think about how you will send the elevator of healing and recovery back down to a person who is in pain. From this exercise I have developed a few bits of advice (please remember that this is my opinion and not the thoughts of a trained doctor or therapist). First, DP/DR is as much of a disorder of thought patterns as anything. We can not dislike our thoughts if we are not thinking them. I know for a fact that the more anxious I am the more destructive my thought patterns are. This is likely true for anyone from people who have eating disorders to people with an inclination toward depression. Anxious feelings lead to destructive thoughts. While we can not control the onset of anxiety every moment of the day we can step back and acknowledge its existence and try to do something about it. That something in the case of people with DP/DR can be ceasing or muffling the thoughts that plague us. Be more conscious of how you are feeling during the day. Even if you are anxious all day surely there are points in the day when you are more or less anxious than others (I get really anxious around dusk). What are your thoughts during those times and how can you respond to them in a manner that won't harm you?
In addition, I have come to the conclusion that people who say that recovery is a slow and leveled process are completely correct in their assessment. Try to think of healing as whittling a block or even building a castle out of small Legos Recovering and healing from DP/DR is not an overnight process. It takes time, patience, and an ability to recognize what is working and what is not and making changes accordingly. However, in light of the past couple of days I can completely relate to the people who say you notice DP/DR less and less and when you do notice it you are not as bothered by it. Let me say again that this is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! It is a bit hard to describe the nuances of noticing it less and less, but I will say it is somewhat like a scar you get from a sizable cut. At first the scar is glaring, then with treatment it gets less noticeable, and finally it becomes almost not noticeable at all. This is what DP/DR seems to be like to me. Just like with a scar some treatment will work and some will not. Sometimes you aggravate the injury and make it worse for a while. But ultimately with the appropriate care it completely heals. I do not think that DP/DR necessarily goes away like clipping your fingernails, but I do think that it goes from extremely painful, to manageable, to no longer a problem in our lives. The only reason that I describe it in this way is because I think it is important to respect the maladaptive thought processes and lifestyle choices that uphold and contribute to DP/DR. If we do not commit to treating our anxiety and other destructive emotional experiences than I think DP/DR has a good chance of coming back. My treatment plan is to make it completely a thing of the past and something that will never return. This is why respecting the recovery process at all times is important. I do think that we can all heal and that some scars are worse than others. But there are powerful healers in the world, there are great tools for recovery and there is hope for everyone with this ailment.
One of the things that I noticed recently is that I was getting complacent with my healing. I believe that I was happy with feeling much better and as a result got a bit lazy with my healing process and with the steps that helped me arrive at where I am at today. In particular, I noticed that I was allowing myself to contemplate these existential questions that were not serving me. I would take silent and lonely moments in the day as opportunities to think about the things that have clearly not served me. I have found strategies for either avoiding or dismissing these thoughts, but in recent weeks I slowly stopped using these strategies as I began to feel better. While feeling better is certainly the goal, it is important to respect what got me to that point and see the program that I established for myself all the way through. Some of the strategies I have used to negate thoughts that do not serve me include: dismissing the thoughts as ridiculous, talking the away ("go away little thought that doesn't serve me), making fun of myself for caring about the thought, reminding myself that the thought does not own me, and reminding myself that my thoughts can be destructive. Even though I think that avoiding the thoughts has helped me, I have found that I can think about some of the existential questions that have plagued me without being debilitated by the thought.
Another thing that has helped me has been my imagination. Many of us have had at least two experiences of life: life with DP/DR and life without it. I have used the past few days as a time to pretend that I am completely "normal" again and I am giving myself advice from that perspective. I encourage you to think about the advice you would give someone with DP/DR from the perspective of someone who doesn't have it. Picture the day when you are completely back to "normal" and think about how you will send the elevator of healing and recovery back down to a person who is in pain. From this exercise I have developed a few bits of advice (please remember that this is my opinion and not the thoughts of a trained doctor or therapist). First, DP/DR is as much of a disorder of thought patterns as anything. We can not dislike our thoughts if we are not thinking them. I know for a fact that the more anxious I am the more destructive my thought patterns are. This is likely true for anyone from people who have eating disorders to people with an inclination toward depression. Anxious feelings lead to destructive thoughts. While we can not control the onset of anxiety every moment of the day we can step back and acknowledge its existence and try to do something about it. That something in the case of people with DP/DR can be ceasing or muffling the thoughts that plague us. Be more conscious of how you are feeling during the day. Even if you are anxious all day surely there are points in the day when you are more or less anxious than others (I get really anxious around dusk). What are your thoughts during those times and how can you respond to them in a manner that won't harm you?
In addition, I have come to the conclusion that people who say that recovery is a slow and leveled process are completely correct in their assessment. Try to think of healing as whittling a block or even building a castle out of small Legos Recovering and healing from DP/DR is not an overnight process. It takes time, patience, and an ability to recognize what is working and what is not and making changes accordingly. However, in light of the past couple of days I can completely relate to the people who say you notice DP/DR less and less and when you do notice it you are not as bothered by it. Let me say again that this is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! It is a bit hard to describe the nuances of noticing it less and less, but I will say it is somewhat like a scar you get from a sizable cut. At first the scar is glaring, then with treatment it gets less noticeable, and finally it becomes almost not noticeable at all. This is what DP/DR seems to be like to me. Just like with a scar some treatment will work and some will not. Sometimes you aggravate the injury and make it worse for a while. But ultimately with the appropriate care it completely heals. I do not think that DP/DR necessarily goes away like clipping your fingernails, but I do think that it goes from extremely painful, to manageable, to no longer a problem in our lives. The only reason that I describe it in this way is because I think it is important to respect the maladaptive thought processes and lifestyle choices that uphold and contribute to DP/DR. If we do not commit to treating our anxiety and other destructive emotional experiences than I think DP/DR has a good chance of coming back. My treatment plan is to make it completely a thing of the past and something that will never return. This is why respecting the recovery process at all times is important. I do think that we can all heal and that some scars are worse than others. But there are powerful healers in the world, there are great tools for recovery and there is hope for everyone with this ailment.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Focusing Energy on Positive Thinking and Hope
I continue to witness progress in my healing process. One thing I have learned is that recovery or healing is not necessarily linear. There has been peaks and valleys and there have been plateaus as well. However, the general trend since I began a concerted and directed effort toward recovery has been growth and progress. In many ways I am as confused about the experience as I was the first day I noticed the symptoms, but my odd feelings fail to control my life and ruin my days. As a result, I am convinced that we must maintain a commitment to positive thinking and to continue holding ourselves accountable for our actions and healing. One thing that I have learned is that negative thinking begets more negative thinking and that obsession with my thoughts and symptoms only exacerbate the problems. On the other hand, positive thinking and a commitment to hope has greatly aided my feeling better. I implore you to remain hopeful. Hope can be a crutch, a band aid, and a cure. Hope can carry you. Hope does not have to be based on just knowledge either. We do not always need immediate proof that all will be fine. Sure, reflecting on our progress and the steps we take to get where we are can validate feelings of hope, but even saying to yourself every single day that "I will be happy and ok" makes a difference. Positive and hopeful affirmations make a huge difference. Many successful people do them and if you have no reason to be hopeful than affirmations may be a place to start. Keep the faith and good things will come.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Journal Entry July 2, 2013
I haven't written a journal post about my symptoms in quite some time now. According to my records the last time I wrote about my symptoms from a reflection journal point of view was on June 12. Although I have kept up with my blog posts, I believe that the cessation of journal entries specifically about my symptoms of DP/DR has been another major point of success in my process of recovery. In the spirit of fairness and honesty about my symptoms I have elected to write about them for the first time in nearly a month in order to further demonstrate that recovery or healing is in fact a process.
My day-to-day experience of the world has dramatically improved. I find myself getting lost in the moment in the same manner that I did before the onset of my symptoms. I am more cheery and I am genuinely enjoying my life more than I was at the end of December when my DP/DR first became a problem in my life. Previously I dreaded going outside because I feared the sky and the magnitude of the universe. Now I get up extra early just so I can stand barefoot in the backyard and feed the birds. I am happy to take the dog for walks because being outside does not make me anxious anymore. Social situations are much easier to be a part of. Where I previously found myself overwhelmed and confused by the concept of other beings, now I am able to enjoy conversations and the company of others significantly more. Additionally, work formerly represented the highest experience of my anxiety and feelings of alienation from myself and my environment. People at work seemed alien to me and I struggled quite a bit just to get through a short work day. Now I am able to enjoy the boring times at work and I am able to enjoy just being there and doing my job. Six months ago just sitting in my living room was a major source of alienation and anxiety for me. Especially during the day I found no refuge at home. Now I am comfortable most of the time and have a fairly calm disposition and experience of life at home. Even certain times of day were difficult for me. Dusk was a high time of anxiety and DP/DR, but now I think nothing of this time of day. It is safe to say that my life has improved in a number of different areas that pertain to my symptoms.
Although everything that I have blogged about (particularly lately) indicates that I am making marked and sustained improvement, I do not want to create the impression that everything is "perfect," "fine," and "normal." While I do believe that full recovery is possible for us all, I do think it's important to understand that healing takes time and it is not necessarily a straightforward process. I have had some problems as it pertains to my experience of the world and myself. Some of the issues that I have had revolve around my concept of autonomy and what I am. Being able to conceptualize myself as one whole being rather than I brain and eyes and body parts has been a bit of a struggle for me. The improvement has come in that these thoughts do not bother me as much or dominate my life. My environment can still be difficult to be completely and organically a part of. The physical world is still a bit confusing to me and I continue to have some difficulty understanding and accepting the world as it is. I have also been thinking about the whole idea of where we all came from and how something can derive from nothing. Fortunately, these existential questions are not as scary or troubling. Thinking about the physical sensations of the body and my bodily functions confuses me a bit. I wonder as to how I should or can comfortably conceive of myself. I still wonder if I am merely going through the motions or if there is some rhyme or reason to the way I go through my day.
So in some ways my symptoms still exist, but it is clear to me that they do not dictate the quality and experience of my life. I think that it is perfectly acceptable that healing is a process. I do not worry about being "normal" anymore. Ultimately, I either will or I won't. While I want to be happy and comfortable I can only control so much. Embracing this attitude has been an enormous step for me and greatly helpful to my feeling better.
The state of me is far and away better than I was even a few weeks ago. Every day is still a struggle at times, I am not entirely comfortable, I do not feel entirely normal again, but I do get up every day and want to live the day all the way through. Discomfort, fear, panic, and doubt no longer drive the actions and thoughts of my day. I continue to improve and believe that I have much to look forward to.
My day-to-day experience of the world has dramatically improved. I find myself getting lost in the moment in the same manner that I did before the onset of my symptoms. I am more cheery and I am genuinely enjoying my life more than I was at the end of December when my DP/DR first became a problem in my life. Previously I dreaded going outside because I feared the sky and the magnitude of the universe. Now I get up extra early just so I can stand barefoot in the backyard and feed the birds. I am happy to take the dog for walks because being outside does not make me anxious anymore. Social situations are much easier to be a part of. Where I previously found myself overwhelmed and confused by the concept of other beings, now I am able to enjoy conversations and the company of others significantly more. Additionally, work formerly represented the highest experience of my anxiety and feelings of alienation from myself and my environment. People at work seemed alien to me and I struggled quite a bit just to get through a short work day. Now I am able to enjoy the boring times at work and I am able to enjoy just being there and doing my job. Six months ago just sitting in my living room was a major source of alienation and anxiety for me. Especially during the day I found no refuge at home. Now I am comfortable most of the time and have a fairly calm disposition and experience of life at home. Even certain times of day were difficult for me. Dusk was a high time of anxiety and DP/DR, but now I think nothing of this time of day. It is safe to say that my life has improved in a number of different areas that pertain to my symptoms.
Although everything that I have blogged about (particularly lately) indicates that I am making marked and sustained improvement, I do not want to create the impression that everything is "perfect," "fine," and "normal." While I do believe that full recovery is possible for us all, I do think it's important to understand that healing takes time and it is not necessarily a straightforward process. I have had some problems as it pertains to my experience of the world and myself. Some of the issues that I have had revolve around my concept of autonomy and what I am. Being able to conceptualize myself as one whole being rather than I brain and eyes and body parts has been a bit of a struggle for me. The improvement has come in that these thoughts do not bother me as much or dominate my life. My environment can still be difficult to be completely and organically a part of. The physical world is still a bit confusing to me and I continue to have some difficulty understanding and accepting the world as it is. I have also been thinking about the whole idea of where we all came from and how something can derive from nothing. Fortunately, these existential questions are not as scary or troubling. Thinking about the physical sensations of the body and my bodily functions confuses me a bit. I wonder as to how I should or can comfortably conceive of myself. I still wonder if I am merely going through the motions or if there is some rhyme or reason to the way I go through my day.
So in some ways my symptoms still exist, but it is clear to me that they do not dictate the quality and experience of my life. I think that it is perfectly acceptable that healing is a process. I do not worry about being "normal" anymore. Ultimately, I either will or I won't. While I want to be happy and comfortable I can only control so much. Embracing this attitude has been an enormous step for me and greatly helpful to my feeling better.
The state of me is far and away better than I was even a few weeks ago. Every day is still a struggle at times, I am not entirely comfortable, I do not feel entirely normal again, but I do get up every day and want to live the day all the way through. Discomfort, fear, panic, and doubt no longer drive the actions and thoughts of my day. I continue to improve and believe that I have much to look forward to.
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