The last two days have been my best as far as feeling "normal" again. When I say best I mean that I have felt normal, comfortable, and have been able to enjoy life. In the past months I felt as if life was happening to me (if there was in fact a me) and in the past couple of days I felt that there is a me and that I have some control over the direction and arc of my day and life. Although there remains a residual disconnect from the world as I once experienced it, I have gained a new hope for the new normal that I will one day experience. The past two days have convinced me even further that lifestyle and attitude can play as much of a role in healing as any physical manifestations of DP/DR that we may experience.
One of the things that I noticed recently is that I was getting complacent with my healing. I believe that I was happy with feeling much better and as a result got a bit lazy with my healing process and with the steps that helped me arrive at where I am at today. In particular, I noticed that I was allowing myself to contemplate these existential questions that were not serving me. I would take silent and lonely moments in the day as opportunities to think about the things that have clearly not served me. I have found strategies for either avoiding or dismissing these thoughts, but in recent weeks I slowly stopped using these strategies as I began to feel better. While feeling better is certainly the goal, it is important to respect what got me to that point and see the program that I established for myself all the way through. Some of the strategies I have used to negate thoughts that do not serve me include: dismissing the thoughts as ridiculous, talking the away ("go away little thought that doesn't serve me), making fun of myself for caring about the thought, reminding myself that the thought does not own me, and reminding myself that my thoughts can be destructive. Even though I think that avoiding the thoughts has helped me, I have found that I can think about some of the existential questions that have plagued me without being debilitated by the thought.
Another thing that has helped me has been my imagination. Many of us have had at least two experiences of life: life with DP/DR and life without it. I have used the past few days as a time to pretend that I am completely "normal" again and I am giving myself advice from that perspective. I encourage you to think about the advice you would give someone with DP/DR from the perspective of someone who doesn't have it. Picture the day when you are completely back to "normal" and think about how you will send the elevator of healing and recovery back down to a person who is in pain. From this exercise I have developed a few bits of advice (please remember that this is my opinion and not the thoughts of a trained doctor or therapist). First, DP/DR is as much of a disorder of thought patterns as anything. We can not dislike our thoughts if we are not thinking them. I know for a fact that the more anxious I am the more destructive my thought patterns are. This is likely true for anyone from people who have eating disorders to people with an inclination toward depression. Anxious feelings lead to destructive thoughts. While we can not control the onset of anxiety every moment of the day we can step back and acknowledge its existence and try to do something about it. That something in the case of people with DP/DR can be ceasing or muffling the thoughts that plague us. Be more conscious of how you are feeling during the day. Even if you are anxious all day surely there are points in the day when you are more or less anxious than others (I get really anxious around dusk). What are your thoughts during those times and how can you respond to them in a manner that won't harm you?
In addition, I have come to the conclusion that people who say that recovery is a slow and leveled process are completely correct in their assessment. Try to think of healing as whittling a block or even building a castle out of small Legos Recovering and healing from DP/DR is not an overnight process. It takes time, patience, and an ability to recognize what is working and what is not and making changes accordingly. However, in light of the past couple of days I can completely relate to the people who say you notice DP/DR less and less and when you do notice it you are not as bothered by it. Let me say again that this is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! It is a bit hard to describe the nuances of noticing it less and less, but I will say it is somewhat like a scar you get from a sizable cut. At first the scar is glaring, then with treatment it gets less noticeable, and finally it becomes almost not noticeable at all. This is what DP/DR seems to be like to me. Just like with a scar some treatment will work and some will not. Sometimes you aggravate the injury and make it worse for a while. But ultimately with the appropriate care it completely heals. I do not think that DP/DR necessarily goes away like clipping your fingernails, but I do think that it goes from extremely painful, to manageable, to no longer a problem in our lives. The only reason that I describe it in this way is because I think it is important to respect the maladaptive thought processes and lifestyle choices that uphold and contribute to DP/DR. If we do not commit to treating our anxiety and other destructive emotional experiences than I think DP/DR has a good chance of coming back. My treatment plan is to make it completely a thing of the past and something that will never return. This is why respecting the recovery process at all times is important. I do think that we can all heal and that some scars are worse than others. But there are powerful healers in the world, there are great tools for recovery and there is hope for everyone with this ailment.
No comments:
Post a Comment