I haven't written a journal post about my symptoms in quite some time now. According to my records the last time I wrote about my symptoms from a reflection journal point of view was on June 12. Although I have kept up with my blog posts, I believe that the cessation of journal entries specifically about my symptoms of DP/DR has been another major point of success in my process of recovery. In the spirit of fairness and honesty about my symptoms I have elected to write about them for the first time in nearly a month in order to further demonstrate that recovery or healing is in fact a process.
My day-to-day experience of the world has dramatically improved. I find myself getting lost in the moment in the same manner that I did before the onset of my symptoms. I am more cheery and I am genuinely enjoying my life more than I was at the end of December when my DP/DR first became a problem in my life. Previously I dreaded going outside because I feared the sky and the magnitude of the universe. Now I get up extra early just so I can stand barefoot in the backyard and feed the birds. I am happy to take the dog for walks because being outside does not make me anxious anymore. Social situations are much easier to be a part of. Where I previously found myself overwhelmed and confused by the concept of other beings, now I am able to enjoy conversations and the company of others significantly more. Additionally, work formerly represented the highest experience of my anxiety and feelings of alienation from myself and my environment. People at work seemed alien to me and I struggled quite a bit just to get through a short work day. Now I am able to enjoy the boring times at work and I am able to enjoy just being there and doing my job. Six months ago just sitting in my living room was a major source of alienation and anxiety for me. Especially during the day I found no refuge at home. Now I am comfortable most of the time and have a fairly calm disposition and experience of life at home. Even certain times of day were difficult for me. Dusk was a high time of anxiety and DP/DR, but now I think nothing of this time of day. It is safe to say that my life has improved in a number of different areas that pertain to my symptoms.
Although everything that I have blogged about (particularly lately) indicates that I am making marked and sustained improvement, I do not want to create the impression that everything is "perfect," "fine," and "normal." While I do believe that full recovery is possible for us all, I do think it's important to understand that healing takes time and it is not necessarily a straightforward process. I have had some problems as it pertains to my experience of the world and myself. Some of the issues that I have had revolve around my concept of autonomy and what I am. Being able to conceptualize myself as one whole being rather than I brain and eyes and body parts has been a bit of a struggle for me. The improvement has come in that these thoughts do not bother me as much or dominate my life. My environment can still be difficult to be completely and organically a part of. The physical world is still a bit confusing to me and I continue to have some difficulty understanding and accepting the world as it is. I have also been thinking about the whole idea of where we all came from and how something can derive from nothing. Fortunately, these existential questions are not as scary or troubling. Thinking about the physical sensations of the body and my bodily functions confuses me a bit. I wonder as to how I should or can comfortably conceive of myself. I still wonder if I am merely going through the motions or if there is some rhyme or reason to the way I go through my day.
So in some ways my symptoms still exist, but it is clear to me that they do not dictate the quality and experience of my life. I think that it is perfectly acceptable that healing is a process. I do not worry about being "normal" anymore. Ultimately, I either will or I won't. While I want to be happy and comfortable I can only control so much. Embracing this attitude has been an enormous step for me and greatly helpful to my feeling better.
The state of me is far and away better than I was even a few weeks ago. Every day is still a struggle at times, I am not entirely comfortable, I do not feel entirely normal again, but I do get up every day and want to live the day all the way through. Discomfort, fear, panic, and doubt no longer drive the actions and thoughts of my day. I continue to improve and believe that I have much to look forward to.
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