Thurs April 4, 2013
157 pmI'd say overall my symptoms seem to have improved. My anxiety has been fairly low today though I'm starting to feel a bit anxious now. I still don't feel organic as I once did. I have that robotic or mechanized feeling again. Physical space and mass has been troubling a bit today. Having some trouble just being. I do feel good about my future though and did actually get some work done today. Pretty good so far. Meditated in the morning and twice yesterday. Eager to experience the positive benefits.
1200 am (April 5)Some good things and not some good things about today. Anxiety level was comparatively low but still struggling with what am I. Living organically again has yet to happen but it will. Recovering takes time, but boy am I thankful to at least witness some improvement.
Friday April 5, 2013
7:54 amWoke up in a decidedly better place than I have been in the past. Haven't spent much time thinking about my existence. Anxiety seems fairly low though I have a bit of shortness of breath. My attitude and disposition seem better as well.
1:52 pmI feel hopeful right now about the ability to live organically again. My mood was pretty good on the way to work. I was able to listen to classic rock for the first time in a while. I mediated and had a great yoga session earlier. I don't seem to be as bothered by this amazement by self. Though I don't feel entirely organic and integrated right now. I still have somewhat of the feeling or sensation of being an observer of myself. My anxiety has been fairly low today. Perhaps meditation? My outlook seems better. Definitely a step in the right direction. I'm excited about my future. That St. Francis prayer is really powerful by the way.
8:58 pmStarted to feel tight around the time I got out of work at six. This made my partner anxious when I picked her up and caused tension and hostility between us. This in turn made me more anxious. We went to the dog park though I was fairly anxious and looking around a lot...fidgety. Came home and meditated and felt a bit better anxiety wise. Starting to ruminate and worry about my consciousness and autonomy. I find it so weird this whole notion of life. One thing I can recognize is the fact that I'm surrounded mostly by a world of people who live their lives not thinking about this stuff or at least not letting it ruin their time on earth. This says to me that this is a solvable problem and not an unchangeable truth and reality. My thoughts and thought processes have gotten messed up a bit and I will do my due diligence to solve the problems I'm facing. Remember many people who share my symptoms are miserable throughout the entire day and while I have a certain level of discomfort throughout the day it's not all encompassing as of late and certainly not today. So if there were a scale of my symptoms I'm probably not all the way on the really bad end of it even if I am uncomfortable and the symptoms are quite confusing. One things I hope to address or work towards improving is this disconnect I feel to myself prior to feeling these symptoms. I feel like I'm waking up into my life several times throughout the day and its disconcerting. I have had these feelings before in the past but I would snap out of it. I just need some proof somewhere somehow that there is a link between the person I was in September and the person I am now. Because I truly feel, and feel being the operative word, such a disconnect from myself or at least the self I thought I was. And if not the person I thought I was than the person who made it to December of last year without these symptoms and who didn't worry about feeling integrated and real etc. I do feel hopeful though. Perhaps a bit impatient at this very moment though I think I've been very patient throughout this whole process despite the discomfort and despite forgetting at times who I am and what I am looking to return to. Remember I am very proud of the fact that my will to leave is so strong that I've put the effort I have into feeling good, feeling connected to myself and my environment, feeling grounded, and being able to enjoy life like I once did and hopefully enjoy it in a way that I have never before. I wish there was someone who could explain his or her recovery and how they came to feel integrated again. Earlier today felt so much better though and it really helped with my mood and symptoms.
Saturday April 6, 2013
12:42 pmI have had an ok day. I felt best during yoga, during meditation, a little after meditation and a little at the dog park. My anxiety is more noticeable than it was during the day yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night partly due to temperature and partly due to anxiety. I haven't taken an Ativan since 8:00 pm on Thursday which is encouraging. I suppose I could take one because it would give me comfort but I want to see if I can relax without it. I'm still having difficulty feeling organic and natural without these thoughts of what am I. And the thoughts about me just being a big mass of carbon etc. who eats, sleeps, etc. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what drives my actions which causes me to feel a bit automated. I will try to not resist these feelings and allow them to happen. These feelings are necessary for me to become who I am and will be. Sometimes difficult times and discomfort provide rewarding results. Ultimately I'm better off and more hopeful than I was in January. This is a blessing because it could be worse and I am feeling better.
3:48 pmThe last hour has been the high point of the day. My positive feelings started when I went to the dog park for the second time. Negative thoughts have mostly ceased. Still feel a disconnect from my memories and my past but I'm less bothered by them right now.
Sunday April 7, 2013
11:15 pmToday actually went pretty well anxiety wise. I had some peeks and some pits but overall I think I managed the pits when they came up. I had thoughts throughout the day about my existence but not as much as in past days. I had the feelings of observing myself today but I found myself better able to manage it. Overall a successful weekend and better than last weekend. Had some moments of enjoyment and felt rally good after dinner last night. I made jokes, laughed, found myself engaged. I've made it three whole days without taking Ativan. I felt excited about the future. I felt a bit more integrated at times and even found myself enjoying more things.
Monday April 8, 2013
1:50 pmToday has been a really awesome day thus far. My anxiety level has been lower. The best way to describe it is I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Even my symptoms of DP/DR have been less noticeable and bothersome. I almost feel organic today and certainly more hopeful and excited for the future. Living isn't confusing and painful like it was before. I'm so very grateful for this relief.
7:48 pmToday has overall been a really awesome day. My mood has been excellent. I haven't really been fearful or uncomfortable. I'm still wondering about my existence and my autonomy and what am I but its less bothersome. I would still live to feel more organic but am incredibly grateful for the marked improvement I feel.
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