Monday May 13, 2013
10:34 am
There have been many good things about today this far. I am have to have added another element to my recovery process by going to a meeting. I found that hearing about other people's suffering, particularly after they stopped drinking makes me feel less alone. It's good to know that my symptoms are likely a result of not drinking anymore and having to accept life on life's terms. Going to the meeting also helped me connect with others on a human level because people there are very open and honest about what got them to this point. Hearing the woman talk about spending so much energy trying to please her husband made me feel connected to my partner. It must be a difficult burden trying to please others and focusing so much on the other person that you forget about yourself. This gave me a greater appreciation for my partner and what she has done for me. I also felt for the guy who drank to fit in when he didn't belong anywhere. Part of my journey has been trying to accept myself on my terms and not on someone else's. One of my biggest fears of not drinking was feeling like I wouldn't belong anymore. But belonging isn't the point, living healthily is. And while stopping drinking may have onset a difficult experience for me, I can objectively say the net result has been good. The discomfort sucks but its necessary. Most things in life we earn or bring on ourselves. Even if we were naive or didn't know what we were doing, our crisis begins within. No one made me cope the way I chose to cope, or not cope for that matter. No one is free from suffering. So while I have had to live with my own suffering ultimately no one can escape it at some point in there lives. This is important because the type of suffering is only a name: depersonalization, a broken leg, cancer, losing a loved one, disappointment, failed dreams. The list goes on, but we all experience it at one time or another. What we can control is how we respond. So while this experience has been tough I have controlled my response and have been better off for it. There is something to learn here even if I don't recognize it.
4:35 pm
Today has mostly gone well. I haven't really felt that fearful or anxious. My thoughts are a bit odd at times though but my rational mind tells me that these are maladaptive responses and not a truth or reality. Just like any disease, problem, or disorder that doesn't lead to death I will fully heal and not worry about these things anymore. I suppose my impatience comes more from the not knowing than some timeframe I have in my mind to be fully healed. I mean what is the timeframe? Does it matter? Isn't it more important to focus on all of the positive changes I have made and continue to make? Shouldn't I get excited about the new life I'm leading? About the new knowledge I'm acquiring? About the health I'm enjoying? About the connections I'm forming with my partner? About my desire to help and make the world a better place? About my future? About the opportunity to do something that I want to do with my life? Shouldn't all of that be the focus of my attention? I can think about those things in lieu of the negative unhelpful thoughts that don't serve me. I cannot argue with the fact that I'm here. And even if I don't know what I means or what I am there is something that is going on. I have lived a while thinking about other things for a whole day. One can logically conclude that if you can think negative things all day than you can think less and less every day. I have evidence of this being true.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
7:17 pm
Today has gone pretty well. I'm definitely functioning really well and not getting too caught up in negativity. One thing I would like to improve is being comfortable being human. When I think about the miracle of it all I get overwhelmed just thinking about existence. We take for granted that thoughts happen and that we formulate ideas and have desires and needs. It's the most natural thing in the world that we don't think anything of it. While I know I'm not the first to think of these things is it possible that I am having unique thoughts? Also, how unique it is that we experience so much through our eyes. Why does it make me uncomfortable to think about existence and consciousness? I am incredibly grateful for my improvement today and I really liked the meeting and what I learned from other people. From time to time I've had this sensation of being conscious for the first time and detachment from myself or what I used to believe my self to be. When I say detached I feel like I'm just something and that is all. I'm not in control like I used to think I was. I'm not even sure what I means. If I'm just matter than maybe I'm just matter. How can I go back to feeling completely human again? How can I start to feel and experience again without wondering about my existence. I'm starting to recognize the negative thoughts better and find myself dismissing them instead of hiding from them. I can see them coming better and have found ways to deal with them more productively. I have felt excited at many points today about my future. Perhaps the scariest thing I experience is that I have always been who I am (whatever that means) but I'm not sure I have ever been aware of myself. I don't think I've allowed myself to feel and get to know myself that much in the past. Is that what this is about? Me finally getting to know myself a bit better? What prevented me from looking within? What prevented me from not having a relationship with myself? Perhaps I don't feel connected to myself because I've never known exactly and entirely what I am. Perhaps I have never been able to answer the question of what am I. How can I continue to learn who and what I am?
Wednesday May 15, 2013
1:46 pm
Symptoms wise today has gone pretty well. I haven't focused much of my energy on my symptoms or thinking about existence. I've had periods of time where I've felt totally comfortable. I think it's helps to accept these symptoms as a process of getting to know myself.
Thursday May 16, 2013
1:53 pm
Today has been a pretty good day. I'm starting to blend the new qualities of my efforts in with my old feelings of relative comfort. I've had many periods of the day in which I've gotten lost in the moment ie feeling organic. Definite step in the right direction today.
Friday May 17, 2013
1:57 pm
Today has been a really good day. Part of my problems have been learning how to live in the moment, how to be present without fear of being present. I'm finding myself more able to do this now. I'm so grateful to feel relief. Relative to my discomfort in past months, relief is a blessing. A true blessing.
7:58 pm
Mostly positive reviews for today. Feeling comfortable being me. Starting to realize that I am me. My feelings have changed. Not the world.
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