Wednesday May 8, 2013
Symptoms wise today has actually been ok. I think the ceremony at the river for my mom was really special and meaningful. I appreciated hearing those words from my partner and I enjoyed the opportunity to share those feelings and connect with her in that way. I haven't spent really anytime ruminating or thinking about existence. I've felt a bit odd at times but overall today has been manageable and productive. I don't feel as bad about my history with the symptoms. I'm going to be ok! I'm going to be better than ok, I'm going to be happy!
Thursday May 9, 2013
Feeling pretty good today. I have not felt anxious and I have been able to accomplish many of my tasks without thinking about my existence. I have still thought about it some though. I wonder how I can stop thinking about my existence and just be all the time. I'm encouraged by my progress though and will remain committed to the process and have faith that this is an opportunity to learn about myself and how to help in the world.
Felt pretty good for most of the day. I'm still having a persistent fear or amazement about what I am. What is the essence of me? Body? Mind? Something else? Why don't many other people worry about this? How do others successfully conceive of themselves? What will my comfort look like? Peace is on the horizon. I have much to be grateful for. I have been much more adept at enjoying my time and my days. I've done quite a bit to improve my life and my existence. One thing I want to address or improve is the feeling I get from time to time that I'm alive or conscious or aware for the first time. It's kind of like whoa I'm here. What is all this? I have lived a whole life without considering these things so it is not unreasonable to think I can again. I know this is true because I have had destructive and obsessive thoughts my whole life that I haven't effectively managed or addressed. I am at a great advantage these days as I now have the tools to succeed.
Friday May 10, 2013
Today has gone well. Little anxiety. Very little ruminations about what I am. I had a peaceful and effective yoga and meditation practice. Overall I've been productive and I think productivity definitely eases my discomfort.
Today has been mostly manageable. At times I feel a disconnect or the what am I feeling but mostly I'm feeling ok. There is still a duality I feel of being lost in thought then being in the outer world or the world outside of myself and my mind. I'd like them both to flow and exist as one.
Saturday May 11, 20139:58 pm
Today was actually a really good day. No anxiety to speak of. I didn't spend much time thinking about my existence and when I was at the talk the speaker's thoughts on reality and humanity didn't bother me. I get a bit confused by what I am but mostly I'm comfortable today. That meditation during the talk was very powerful.
Sunday May 12, 20137:40 am
Woke up thinking about the nature of my existence. I'm wondering if I am an entity unto myself or if I am just a part of nature, just more matter in the universe. Usually it seems that getting in to the day distracts me from these thoughts and more importantly the impact they have on me. Today will be another day of improvement!
I had some ups and downs today anxiety wise and comfort wise. It was really nice to talk with my brother and see how good he is doing. Its quite inspiring to see how much his experience is helping him grow and how much good he is doing. It was a terrific opportunity to see him. At times during church today I felt very inspired and full of love and life. Although there may have been some disconnect I felt good. The service ran a bit long though and I started to feel anxious and antsy. I felt a bit better after meditation. I felt a bit better at lunch but still a bit uneasy. I didn't really feel relaxed today until yoga and my second meditation. Time really seems to be going faster than normal and I feel a disconnect from myself in the past. The past seems like it is comprised of separate entities that didn't happen to me. I still what it means to be me. I realize that these thoughts reflect an ability to think and experience and grow, but something is making me uncomfortable with my being. What is my road block? Is there an ETA? There are many benefits to going through this experience, and I look forward to what I can continue to learn and benefit from all of this. I am grateful for my mental and physical health.
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