Saturday May 18, 2013Feeling more integrated today than in a while. The best part is that I'm also able to appreciate the moment while being integrated. Today has been my best day since I started feeling bad. I've been able to appreciate life and remain free of worry. I've been able to have sustained deep thought and conversation. I'm more convinced than ever that the net result of these odd feelings is good or positive. Some of my symptoms remain. I still have a dual sense of self. I'm still not sure what drives my experience or what I am. But I'm proud of where I am and I'm grateful for the chance to discover a life of meaning. It is much easier to give thanks when feeling better but I can only control the here and now. Slowly I am working toward a positive outcome and I am witnessing further success. The human mind is powerful and that power works in both directions. The thing is that in all this thought about what I am and in what existence is comes the fact that I have always been me. These thoughts about what I am come from me. I may not be able to identify my essence but I can identify plenty of other things. I can converse with others. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel good and loved. I may not know what I is but I can write this journal entry. I can deliberately stop and count to five and start writing again. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy cake and watching sports. I may not know what I am but I can enjoy how cute kids and animals are. The power of appreciation is profound. Love does not conquer. Love does not endure. Love infuses itself into every aspect of existence and being. There is no pain or hate, only the inability or unwillingness to recognize the love that is all around us. The most comfort I've felt in months of feeling detached from reality and myself came from thinking of love in this way. I have such little control of what comes into my life, but is that really true? I can devote myself to others. I can recognize not only the love I'm giving but what I'm receiving. I can allow myself to love and find opportunities to be loved. Recognize it. Immerse yourself in it. There are good stories abound we just have to live them and recognize them.
Sunday May 19, 2013I'm really excited about how good I felt today. It's really amazing the variety of experiences the human mind and humans can go through. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could experience what I did during the last few months. I am so grateful for what I've learned and the position I'm now in to grow even further.
Monday May 20, 2013Today has gone pretty well thus far. I'm feeling much more natural and integrated. I'm comfortable with thinking about my existence, at least more so than in the past. I've learned to allow myself to experience life as a human. Whatever human means. I'm allowing myself to appreciate all of my senses. Today looks to be a positive one. What a journey its been. What a journey it continues to be. Lets try to enjoy it!
I continue to enjoy the day. I'm more reflective and conscious of my thoughts and actions but this is a good thing. I have some fear and discomfort surrounding my existence and realizing who and what I am but it isn't as bothersome. I find myself more at ease and able to enjoy the day.
I have felt pretty good today. I've had many periods of comfort and normalcy. I would like to get to a point where I feel like my mind and body are as one. Or at least to the point where I think of myself as one and to be able to just live and think and react without detrimental thoughts. I commit myself to the experience though. There is something to be learned and gained. I look forward to growing from this and being able to take this experience and help other people.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
Today has been pretty good. Those thoughts about what I am and my autonomy are creeping in on me. I think I'm handling them ok though. This inward look at my emotions and thoughts does force me to have to have both comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I'm grateful to be productive and the ability to help others. I'm happy to have gotten up and gone to a meeting today. The sunshine is nice and helps my mood. I'm proud of how far I've come and my commitment to move on and go further.
Today continues to go pretty well. There is some mild discomfort around what I am but I'm mostly getting by just fine. It's so nice to be better off than I was. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy life again.
I'm not doing that bad today. I've mostly felt comfortable. At times throughout the day I've felt detached from myself and my environment but it isn't as bothersome. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I need to also remember how many years I lived without these thoughts and perspective. History is on my side. My steady improvement is on my side. I felt just awful a couple months ago and now I get through my days without seeing it as such. I get up early. I go to meetings. I go out in public. I don't get anxious at work. I'm feeling more comfortable when alone. My environment doesn't seem as strange, foreign, or separate. I'm eating healthily and maintaining a routine and schedule. I'm reading and internalizing more information. I'm enjoying be out doors more. I'm not as uncomfortable when walking the dog. I'm finding small joys in my day. I've found better ways or more productive ways to handle discomfort. I'm introspective. I'm still capable and willing to go off for hours on end about things I'm passionate about. I'm now a better partner. I know myself better, or at least think about myself more. I know how little I know about myself now. I'm forming a true and clear identity about which I can be entirely proud. I accept myself. I am getting better at judging myself less harshly. I'm eating more mindfully. I'm trying to do many more things mindfully. I'm thinking about the concept of mindfulness. I get excited and eager about new knowledge. I'm trying to appreciate more of my senses. I'm living life with more equanimity. I'm becoming closer to God. I am more calm. I am thinking about being more kind. I care about easing other's pain. I want to learn as much as possible about spreading love. I want to validate my partner. I'm learning things that make my partner happy and I'm trying to do them. I'm learning things that make my partner unhappy and stopping myself before I do them. I'm excited to start a graduate program at a place I want to be. I'm excited to have some roots. I'm excited that I get to marry someone who loves me. I'm excited and unspeakably grateful to be given such a clean bill of health. I care more about being a better friend and family member. I want to commit as strongly to my family and friends as strongly as I have to improving my relationship with my partner. I'm excited that thinking about existential questions isn't as uncomfortable. Every day, every moment is a blessing. I'm finally starting to get a glimpse as to what this means.
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