Experiencing depersonalization and derealization undoubtedly has been the most uncomfortable experience of my life. I am surely not alone to think that this discomfort is seemingly unbearable. Upon reflection of the past few months and even the present moment, I have come to believe that fear plays a prominent role in perpetuating the symptoms. I have been living completely in the clouds so to speak with my excessive rumination about reality, what I am, and autonomy. Thinking about these concepts has both fed my symptoms of DP/DR while strengthening the fear inside of me that prevents my efforts towards healing. Although my thoughts have produced limited answers to my existential questions, I have learned quite a bit about what makes me anxious and what hinders recovery. Fear. There are many indescribable feelings about this condition, but fear is not one of them. I am afraid to confront my feelings. I am afraid to allow the feelings to take over me. I am afraid that I may be experiencing physical health problems. I am afraid that I am going mad. I am afraid that DP/DR prevents me from experiencing life. I am afraid that I will never be able to connect with myself or my memories ever again. I am afraid that I will never feel "normal" again. I am afraid that the life I had loosely planned for myself will never come to fruition. I am afraid that I will never again appreciate the things in life that brought me joy.
Despite genuinely feeling every one of the above stated fears, I can at least recognize that they are nothing more than words in a blog post or thoughts in my head. This is not to say that these feelings don't play a major role in my life, but rather to share that I think the only obstacle to my healing is myself. There is nothing physically or even remotely tangible in my way. I do not know how I got into this mess, but I do know that there is really only one person who can get me out of this. Me. I can continue to follow my treatment plan. I can recognize and explore my feelings. I can bring my memories to life by looking at photos and talking with loved ones. I can go to the doctor if I'm not feeling well. I can create my new normal that was better than the old one. I can continue to try and live out my life's plan and if changes come I can decide how to adapt. I can take small steps to really enjoy life's blessings.
Fear is powerful. My therapist thinks more than the ruminating about life that fear is driving these DP/DR feelings. At the end of the day, the only power fear has over me is the amount of weight that I give it. I can submit to the fear or I can confront it. Or I can do something in between. But the important thing to remember is that we are in control. It does not feel like it. We may not even know what we are. But we are agents for our own happiness. Think of all of the things you are able to do that you could do before DP/DR. You can read this blog post, you can sneeze, you can control your breathing, you can cry, you can smile, you can feel miserable, and you can feel better over time.
Patience may be the single most important tool you can utilize as you recover. Given the breadth of people who claim to have experienced DP/DR for several years, I can safely say that healing takes time. Use that to your advantage. If you know healing is a process than make it a process. Once I got my anxiety in check I was then able to focus on the DP/DR. Use the time you have to improve yourself so that when you do fully heal you will be better positioned to control the outcome of your life. I don't think any of us signed up for this, but we all signed up for how we deal with it. I get quite impatient during the day and week sometimes because I just want to feel entirely normal again. I want my life back badly! However, forcing the issue will not make it come any faster. This is a road trip and we do not know the destination. But guess what? That's life. Embrace it or fight it you and I are going somewhere and we can't predict exactly where. However, we can choose the road. We can pick the music we listen to on the trip. And we can control our attitude towards going on the trip in the first place.
I am struck by how much the people in my life have noticed a change. I can recognize at times that I am feeling better than when my DP/DR was at its worst. However, I don't feel completely like me yet either. In the past month my therapist has pointed to all the work I'm dong as a sign of progress, my partner is starting to get annoyed with me again which means I have more zest for life haha, I just visited my hometown and one person said that I have a light shining from me, and my psychiatrist says that he is happy for all of the progress I've made. Rather than focusing on how nothing is working, perhaps we can imagine and examine how everything we are trying is working. Surely something is working given that you are here. But even if nothing is working try to imagine what "working" looks like. Even the attitude towards our recovery makes a big difference in its success. We can't heal if we don't believe in ourselves. Remember there isn't a surgeon or scientist in the world who can un-DP/DR you. You are the agent for your change as I am for mine. If you can get out of bed every day after a day of DP/DR than you are ahead of the game because DP/DR sucks the life out of many people.
Remember to keep calm and recognize your fear. Have patience in the process because it takes time to heal. And look for even the smallest examples of your progress.
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