Journal Entries May 30-June 10

Thursday May 30, 2013
1:50 pm
I have felt pretty good today. I haven't been caught up in negative thoughts. I have been able to function and exist fairly comfortably. I will admit that the symptoms or persistent discomfort is stressful and I do think that it makes me constantly on edge or at least stimulated. Being effortless and just existing has been hard. The thing is that no matter how I feel about what is going on in my life everything is what it is. There is no way around it. In fact fear is the only thing I have to work around. Not discovering myself. Not being depersonalized. Not being detached. But this persistent fear of something. It's like my friend says, "something just doesn't feel right."  One of the overwhelming things about consciousness is that the clock is constantly moving.
10:57 pm
Overall I had many good feelings about today. I felt connected at times. I still have the persistent discomfort but I found myself noticing it a little less today. I am grateful for the whole day and the opportunities I've had to live my life.

Friday May 31, 2013Today has gone pretty well. I've felt good at times. I think I get a little mentally blocked up by the whole concept of being. Particularly the whole notion of how we got here. I mean really?  It's an important question even if there's no clear answer. How can one think of anything else?  Also, given this question how can people concern themselves with seemingly trivial topics and questions?  What gets me is this sense of agency. Do I have agency?  Not from the free will v. fate point of view, but in actuality. Am I an agent of anything?  How marvelous and miraculous it is that this body that writes this journal entry can do so. Why is it that we naturally come to this conclusion that we have agency and identity?  Even the most oppressed people have identity. Why is that the default?  Other animals don't seem to have identity beyond the roles and functions they have in their respective environments. If I do have agency and there is such thing as an I than what should the role be of that agency?  If I am in fact an I, truly something unto myself if there is a myself, than what is the significance of that self-hood?  Buddhists or humanitarian types might say to end suffering. Egocentrists might say to seek and experience pleasure. Religious people will say to glorify and serve God. Artists might say to create beauty. Teachers might say to spread knowledge. Are any of those right?  Are any wrong?  Is there something no human has figured out yet?  Does it matter?  Why does any of it matter?  Is suffering really that bad?  Why?  It's temporary anyway. If we don't have agency or identity what is suffering?  Who is suffering?  What is suffering?  I ask these questions but can't even understand how my thoughts form or where they go. I admit that I enjoy asking these questions more than I had in the past months. I am afraid that my life path is leading me to explore these questions further. I am fearful because I don't want it to lead me to this Camus apathetic type character. Perhaps I don't want to be a giddy school girl, but I don't want to be an old detached grump either. Why am I struggling with this issue of identity?  In some senses identity is socially constructed. An alien might come to earth and say humans are eating, breathing, moving, sweating beings. To an alien who cares if you're a stockbroker or unemployed, Christian or atheist, baseball or hockey fan, Ghandi or Stalin?  Even peacemaker vs. warmonger makes no difference outside of earth. I am grateful to live in the United States of America, but identity is all about how you look at it. I can be an American or just a piece of matter that exists in the Milky Way. It all depends on perception.  So perhaps identity is irrelevant, but it seems that most normal healthy people have some sense of self or identity. Even Ricard who challenges the notion of identity to a certain extent claims to be a former cellular biologist, photographer, monk, and writer. Perhaps these are social constructs but guess what we live in society. So what is bothering me than?  Is it that I'm going through a transition right now in life?  I mean my identity is literally forming every day, even if it is just socially constructed. But doesn't it seem that my reaction to this identity crisis and/or formation is a bit extreme?  Perhaps I'm subconsciously starting from scratch and asking hey what am I. I'm doing this before I can ask who am I. I do think I've fallen into some negative thinking patterns ie. thoughts that don't serve me. What are these negative thought patterns?  Well, first it comes when I have a moment of silence thinking or otherwise. My mind settles a bit and I start to wonder what am I. Now I do have the capacity to ask this question which should answer it but the answer is  unsatisfying.  I listed some ways people identify themselves and any, all, or none of them could be accurate. So given that identity is malleable why am I unsatisfied with the answers?  Why do I go even further inward?  There's either an essence to our being or there isn't or there is some combination of the both. But why do I spend so much time thinking about it?  And why do none of my answers or non answers not satisfy me and allow me to move on with my life. How is this serving me?  Why do I feel that whatever it is I am is something to be served or serviced?  If why questions are unproductive what causes me to ask them?  How did I fall into this habit of asking questions that bother me. Perhaps I was formally unhappy and didn't recognize it but I wasn't being bothered all day. Maybe subconsciously I was dying but I didn't think it was that bad. But then again it was. I was quick to anger, often unkind, impatient, anxious, negative, too competitive, and not a good partner all the time. I wasn't a bad person, but I had a lot of work to do. Undoubtedly, I needed something to galvanize my self improvement. In this sense I am grateful. Do these thoughts serve me anymore though? I've been sick of them since day one, but can I honestly call this a wasted time in my life when other people can speak to how I've improved. I do want to have emotions. I do want to feel.


Saturday June 1, 2013
10:40 amFirst day of June!  Feeling pretty good today. I'm excited to get back to my hometown. One solution for not feeling bad: don't think bad thoughts. Easier said than done haha. I'm looking forward to the day and my journey.


Sunday June 2, 2013
11:39 pmIt feels amazing to be back. There is something spiritual about this experience. I can connect with the people I know and love. I can just be here. Home is spiritually familiar and I'm finally in a place where I can recognize myself while here. I want to drink every last drop of home. I do enjoy where I live now and need to find ways to recreate this feeling out there. Part of my identity struggle comes in the fact that so much of my identity is tied up in my hometown. Undoubtedly today was a success. It's a challenging process but I am learning about myself. It's not easy but given that I don't have a choice in the matter I need to accept.

Wednesday June 5, 2013
10:54 amWe're leaving today but I think I'm heading back.  I am in a better place than when I came out here. Perhaps the most fascinating thing about what I've dealt with over the past few months is the depths and variety of the human mind. I feel better but can't point to some objective point of improvement or shift of focus. I guess the symptoms haven't changed but more that I don't focus on them as much. I still get a bit confused about my existence at times but I haven't been as troubled by it the last couple of days. It's certainly interesting. I think I will be able to live normally again.

Thursday June 6, 2013
10:19 pmToday went really well. I felt uncomfortable at times but I also felt cheerful and talkative. My comfort level was fairly steady. I didn't really think about existence that much. I really think that I'm making progress. It's still impressive to think what a miracle this all is. But it's a blessing whether or not I understand it.

Friday June 7, 2013
11:20 amI cant say that I feel like good old Chuck again but I am feeling better.

:19 pm
Although I can't necessarily say I'm back to normal I'm not fearful all the time. I'm not struggling with existence as much anymore. It is what it is. I'm able to think and reflect from a position of relative power. I haven't been getting that sensation recently of whoa I'm actually here. I'm doing a much better job of just being. I don't feel as overwhelmed. I am more eager to live my days and even have taken to getting up early again. I feel like I have more purpose. My direction is positive. Last week I said I am 80% recovered. I feel closer to 85-90% now. Almost there!

Saturday June 8, 2013
9:53 pmOverall today went pretty well. More than anything I experienced anxiety rather than existential rumination. This is a good thing in that anxiety is far less confusing. I'm encouraged by my progress. I'm encouraged by how I felt today. It hasn't been an easy thing to go through but I'm still here. This isn't to say that I want anxiety and its related symptoms to be an everlasting part of my life, but I am proud to have made it this far. More relevantly, I've made it this far with steady improvement. I suppose life, living, consciousness, and reality may seem odd but they are here to stay. If the rules of the universe changed I'd have bigger fish to fry. I suppose I'm even more concerned about my own death than anything right now. Where do we go?  How can I rationalize something to nothing?  If the laws of the universe state that matter can't be destroyed than where does ones life force go when we "die?"  I can understand what happens to the body but what about the life of the body that isn't the body?  If we do go somewhere or there is something else who experiences it?  Is identity impermanent?  Am I reincarnated?  Am I who I have always been and always will be?  In any case I had a good day today as far as my examination of self and universe goes. I'm proud. I'm happy. And I'm confident I can live in peace as me as an entity as a human.

Monday June 10, 2013
12:57 pmReally starting to feel normal again. I'm starting to feel integrated and not consumed with destructive thoughts. What a relief!