Although I am continuing to experience discomfort as it relates to depersonalization and derealization, I wanted to take some time to focus on the positive. Part of the symptoms associated with this experience have to do with ruminating about existential questions as well concerning ourselves with worst case scenarios. The condition is inherently negative in that everything that we once considered normal and natural don't seem as such any more. Even the most difficult times of my life pale in comparison to the confusion, dread, hopelessness, discomfort and fear that I have felt during these past couple of months. I feel like I lack power and that my true self resides somewhere I am not able to find at the present moment. My most intense desire is to be able to exist without any thoughts or anxiety associated with existence. Despite my feelings and despite the continued daily struggle, it could not be any more clear to me that there are many things to celebrate about me at this very moment as it pertains to depersonalization and derealization.
As stated above this is undoubtedly the most difficult part of my life to this point. Even when I have had heartbreak, loss, disappointment, and anxiety in the past, it all still felt real and more importantly the thought of whether or not it was real never crossed my mind. However, I am here today to write about it. Let's put aside these existential questions of what "today" is or what "I" am and realize how powerful it is to make it through each day with these feelings. Many of my ruminations have had to do with the nature of things and a search for some evidence that lends credence to even the most basic assumptions. But as it pertains to the struggle I face daily along with many others we can not ignore the fact that no matter what has happened or how bad it has felt at times, I am here to write about it. Maybe I don't know what "I" am, but on some level I am confident that I have made it through yet another day. What's funny is in the mornings I often think to myself "how in the heck am I going to make it through today?" Yet here I am on a Friday night having completed another one. Every day is an accomplishment and in some sense one step closer to recovery.
This leads me to my next point, which is that there isn't a single form of discomfort that lasts forever. Just as a cut heals, or an organ can recover with surgery, or person can eventually live with the grief of losing a loved one, so too can and will people with depersonalization/derealization heal. Now this isn't to say that all will be perfect one day. Nor is it to say things will be as they once were (ask anyone who has had ACL surgery about this). But what it does mean is that everything in our realm of consciousness is always changing, particularly as it pertains to the human mind and body. If you would've asked me when I was 17 years old if I would ever get over the heartbreak of being dumped, I would say "no way." But as we all know time, perspective, and life heals many wounds. There's no way that the person I was with when I was 17 could possibly work with me now. The same could be said for my sense of reality. It wasn't working for me as I was and if it was working than wouldn't I be ok with it? The point is that we can reframe depersonalization and derealization in a more positive light. We can allow the old way we saw the world and reality to move and we have the power and tremendous opportunity to recreate a better self. Undoubtedly, something has chance (ie. the way we used to feel didn't last forever). Great! Now is a chance to get better. Just think of the worst you have felt as it pertains to anxiety, DP or DR. There were times when it was worse than others. Even if you feel bad all of the time some times are worse than others. Just as the worst of the worst feelings don't last forever, the feelings of DP/DR don't have to last forever. Healing takes time, healing takes patience, and healing takes the help of people who know how to help you recover. As we aim toward recovery we should keep in mind that given the intensity and prevalence of our discomfort that we need to look for examples of the discomfort lessening or quieting so that we have proof that life and our feelings do get better.
Furthermore, we can use this concept of celebrating the small victories to help us set goals for recovery. Overcoming DP/DR is a large task, so start with small goals. If you feel awful every moment of the day set the goal to smile a certain number of times. Perhaps you can write a schedule of things you would like to do (just write it out, you wouldn't have to do anything). Start to journal your thoughts or text message yourself things you're feeling during the day. Then use these small goals as opportunities to celebrate yourself. Congratulate yourself for accomplishing a task. Say out loud how amazing you are for getting the task done despite every feeling in your body telling you that you couldn't. We spend so much time focusing on the negative aspects of DP/DR, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to think of some of the positive things.
I couldn't possibly write a novel in a few days. Nor could the pyramids have been built in a few months. Beethoven didn't just sit at the piano and bang out chords and all of a sudden there's beautiful music. In any task or any accomplishment of note we must take small steps. Some days we will make great progress. And other days we will witness setbacks. But the point is that whatever this is that we're going through (as I'm still struggling with reality myself) it will not last forever and we have small victories every single day. The only thing we need to do is recognize them.
No comments:
Post a Comment